[nowhere46]

I think my spouse has resigned himself to do whatever he can to make me feel alone and desperate and hopeless. I think he really prefers that I kill myself than to divorce me. He loves walking away from me or will spend the night away from home to punish me. He wont engage in any relationship with me. He wont talk, wont plan, wont resolve issues, forget sex entirely... He outright states that he doesnt care and has nothing to say to me.But he doesnt divorce me and he knows that Im never going to divorce him. I barely get out of bed. Divorce takes effort and even if I had the energy Im sure that I wouldnt leave anyway. Hes made me nothing but miserable for decades but I dont know how to explain it. I have just stayed. For years trying to make him happy, then trying to beg him to change, then eventually just giving up more and more until I have, and am, basically nothing. He has known for decades about my depression and how it has become significantly worse in recent years. But he is tremendously passive aggressive and on one hand tells me that he doesnt want to help me and wont help me and then on the other makes comments about how we will get through this difficult time... I think he knows that Ive barely held on for a long time now and he wants to push me over the edge.

[waterknob1234]

Hi nowhere. I am so sorry you are suffering thru all of this. Depression is bad enough by itself but when there is a difficult spouse that makes it worse. Have you seen a counselor or therapist? You deserve some help and peace in life. Don't know if marriage counseling would work.

[nowhere46]

I and we have had years of counseling with multiple therapists. I was able to work on some personal issues but nothing changed in our marriage. I really think a large part of my husband staying married is to have me around to manipulate and abuse. If not consciously, certainly in practice.

[waterknob1234]

You deserve better than to live a life of pain or abuse. My heart is with you.

[nowhere46]

Im the one who wont leave even though I know I should have decades ago. Im disgusted at myself.

[nowhere46]

I could give you all the reasons to leave, explain all the abuse, document in technical detail the progression of my codependence, the sickening dance this marriage has been. I could tell you the known costs to myself and my children and what research suggests the future costs will be... But I wont leave or tell him to leave. Maybe Ive just bought the lies for too long. I dont know. I see no way out: of depression or my marriage. I just wait for death. Its truely pathetic and disgusting.

[Pierro]

Originally Posted by nowhere46

I could give you all the reasons to leave, explain all the abuse, document in technical detail the progression of my codependence, the sickening dance this marriage has been. I could tell you the known costs to myself and my children and what research suggests the future costs will be... But I wont leave or tell him to leave. Maybe Ive just bought the lies for too long. I dont know. I see no way out: of depression or my marriage. I just wait for death. Its truely pathetic and disgusting.

It look's like hell on Earth to be honest! Depression is hard enough but when you husband is adding to this its toxic. Nobody should have to go through this abuse. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the strength do something about it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[flockpride]

if things are so bad, why would you not divorce him? if the relationship is taking a toll on your health, could time apart help you?

[Clara22]

Hi nowhere
This seems to be terrible and very painful. I bet your husband has mental health issues on his own. Perhaps if when talking here you try not to talk about him but about you as an individual that would help you a bit for the moment. Like every time you speak you mention him. It is like there is a lot of attachment and we cannot see the person, I mean, you. Now, everything seems to be tangled.
If you could, what would you do now? You do not need to answer my question if you do not want to.
I am sending you a hug

I'm not a wise person myself, but your situation seems very familiar to me, so here's my two cents:

Originally Posted by nowhere46

I have just stayed. For years trying to make him happy, then trying to beg him to change, then eventually just giving up more and more until I have, and am, basically nothing.

People are who they are, they don't "change". They may temporarily adapt to circumstances for whatever reason, if they see the need for it... which may be perceived as "change".

But in the end, when things settle, they always turn back to their own self. Such is the selfish nature of humans.

Without going into much detail, I know of plenty of women in my own extended family who are wasting their lives away, waiting for their husbands/partners to "change".

...

Anyway, you know what you need to do. And you'll need support, because you cannot do all that on your own.

First, you need help getting your mental health sorted, then after that... you will need help getting your life back on track. And if that means getting a divorce, so be it. You gotta take care of yourself first.

If you have family members around (parents/brothers/sisters/uncles/aunties/cousins/etc), it's time to call on them for help.

As for your husband, unless he is also suffering from depression himself, he is the one who should be ashamed of himself.

...

I wish you the best. Good luck!

[newday2020]

Please go and get some help. He won't. This is on you. I pray for strength to get up and get help. This is your Life!!