Having random bouts of despair

I'm getting ready for a trip with my bf and today I just keep feeling really sad and tearful- it started last night- I thought it was related to me feeling unhappy with being back at my old job and having to deal with stupid people that upset me again (customers) but then I'm taking a shower earlier and am just overwhelmed with sadness and start bawling- I should be excited for my trip- I was and still am but my mood is all ****ed up- I don't want to be a downer when we go visit- especially around my young niece and nephew- there's other family I haven't seen in years it's going to be a lot of fun and yet I still am feeling very sad and tearful.
My bf has also been really tired a lot lately and sleeping more - I just talked to him about it and he he says he doesn't know how to explain it- like he'd just rather be sleeping- I asked if he's depressed, but he says he's not- he has more energy for our trip than I do- he's very excited. I was too but now I'm not, only because of my mood- I don't want to be a downer.
It's like, have you ever felt that you had a different calling in life and that you messed things up and while it may not be too late to do something worthwhile with your life, it's still not what you were meant to do? IDK, I'm just overwhelmed with sadness right now and trying not to be. I hate feeling like this- I got plenty of sleep too . . . .
I got off the phone with my brother and I just feel like I wasn't very upbeat sounding- I'm sure he's not too excited now to see me- I hate to be a downer- maybe I'll sleep more on the plane and things'll be fine.
I was fine this morning - and then I was laying with my bf and then had to get up and take a shower because I had already been up for a while and didn't want to catch his sleepiness and it's like a spirit came and attacked me with sadness when I was in the shower and I can't get these thoughts and feelings to go away. lol, I know that sounds ridiculous . . .

PS, thankfully my bf is really cute and funny, he's been making me laugh here- I told him how I was feeling and yeah- I'm really lucky to have him in my life . . .

It sounds like you've a lot riding on this trip and a lot of people to see. I'm wondering if the real source of this is worry about not living or measuring up once there. Perhaps you are in a way reluctant? Instead give yourself the permission to not be perfect. Give yourself the permission to enjoy yourself.

I understand. It's usually hormonal for me but I forget to give myself a break over it.

I hope your trip goes well and you have a great time.

Yes, things are going good so far- I think it's
Being around family makes me forget about
my despair - I was thinking about how
oftentimes I'm in the shower when I become
overwhelmed with these sort of feelings.
I'm excited to see everyone ( I've only seen my
Immediate family so far) I guess my excitement
Turns into nervousness somehow when I
Haven't seen someone in a while- plus
I don't have the chemical assistance
Of being on meds like I used to-
Last time I saw everyone was over five years
Ago- I was on meds and smoked weed-
I feel like another person entirely and I'm still
getting used to that myself ( 3 years sober off weed
And I've been off Prozac for just over a year and a half
now) I feel like the same person I was as a teenager
But different than when I met them. I just hope I'm
Not too socially awkward

I've come to the realization I need
To go back on antidepressants . . . Talk more later

hmm, well I had a nice trip- greaat time exploring the city a bit and seeing family - I think I was a bit sleep deprived or something because I ended up having a nice heart to heart with my brother the last night I was there after having a break down cry .- I was afraid that might happen while I was there- I told him I thought I should go back on depressants but I've been feeling great ever since then- I think I was just really tired- and perhaps I have an emotional disorder or something- I'll feel a build up and then things like that will happen- it was already starting before I left- I wish I had had time to let it run it's course before I went there- IDK, maybe I am an aspy afterall.