[TerriLynn]

About 13 years ago, I had a complete melt down. I was a divorced single mom with no real family support. I had a pretty good life though, great job, great daughter, nice condo, a convertible. I was cute and young. I had lots of reasons to be happy! When out of the blue, I crashed.

As a very young child, my parents were divorced, my mother an alcoholic, drug user, lots of men. I witnessed a lot of this, plus the abandonment from my mother. My father raised me and my sister, remarried when I was 9 to a woman who physically and emotionally abused me.

I witnessed domestic violence in my extended family, being put in harms way. Plus during visits with my mother, saw her abused as well.

Being from a family who absolutely refused to talk about anything. I was a child and was to speak only when spoken too. Nothing was ever resolved. I told my dad once, in a very very long letter, about everything, and he never spoke about it, I don't think he believed me. So I grew up stuffing everything, just surviving. My sister became an alcoholic as well. I married a man who became depressed, violent and abusive, emotionally and physically but have ZERO tolerance for that, so within 3 years we divorced.

Suddenly, I crashed, I was about 32 yrs old. In hind sight I can say it probably came on over about a week or two, this crazy spiral down, but ended one night with all the pain I had stuffed for my whole life coming at me. I couldn't stop it and attempted suicide. Fortunately I failed. I was able to get help but it was a really rough road for a while. The depression was horrible. I was a single mom and HAD to go to work. I would drive to work and sit in the car and gather the strength to get out and walk in. It felt like I was swimming against the current, walking against a strong wind, it was exhausting.

I was put on Prozac and that was a miracle. Within a few weeks it was like someone threw cold water on me and woke me up from a nightmare! I was in therapy, which was somewhat helpful, but sure didn't really solve anything.
I continued the meds, discontinued therapy when my insurance became a nightmare. Then eventually, probably a couple years or so later, went off the meds on my own.

I have done well since. A few bumps, but my new husband was a great support so I got through. Until a few weeks ago. I cant say how long it has been, but a few weeks ago I felt myself really sunk. I felt like that swimming upstream struggle just to get through the day, wanting to climb into bed the moment I walked in the door at home. Not wanting to do anything or go any where. When I talked to my husband about it I just cried. He is wonderful and loves me dearly and is very supportive, but has no real idea what depression is. He didn't know me when I went through the first battle. I am no where near where I was the first time, but don't want to get there!

I went to the GP doctor last week and discussed my migraines and my depression symptoms with him and was put on 20 mg of Prozac. I was a little worried about it, I was questioning my motives, wondering if I am depressed or do I just want attention. But as I brought it up with him, I began to cry uncontrollably and just wanted to curl up in a ball and kind of give up. I began to see how much I was struggling just to get through a single day at a time.

I opted for the Prozac because last time it made me lose weight, and I know some of the others can make you GAIN and I cannot afford to gain any more weight at all. I am having a bunch of funky side affects, jitteriness, jaw clenching at night, funky dreams, a little trouble falling asleep.

It has been a week, and I am beginning to see some small reliefs. I am beginning to be able to concentrate at work, actually finishing things and functioning instead or pouring myself into non-work related net surfing just to occupy my brain. I feel like life is still a big struggle, and cant focus on finances, it stresses me out even though we are financially fine. I am asking my husband to take this over. I start to think about it and then think I cant I cant I cant I cant!

So, that is where I am now. I didn't really ever think I would be back here again. Its a bit frustrating. I don't really want to go back into therapy, I don't think there is anything that can be fixed with counseling. I understand and acknowledge the abuse from my childhood. What else could it help.

[Fizzyo]

Hi, I'm very sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment. I'm glad Prozac has helped you in the past and that there is a glimmer that it may help again. The side effects will reduce over time. I find with most antidepressants that the most intense side effects reduce over 4to6 weeks and usually decrease a lot more over longer time.

In terms of therapy, it can't Change what happened or remove the pain, but if you find someone who works in a way that suits you, you can begin to understand yourself more, learn more coping strategies and the wounds become less raw.
If you don't feel someone is helping you, it's worth finding someone who uses a different approach. I find a more structured approach including things like transactional analysis helped me rather than a more general psychodynamic approach. Some people find CBT helps, but was better for me once I understood myself better.

Good luck, I hope you find the kind of help which will benefit you.

[vital]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

About 13 years ago, I had a complete melt down. I was a divorced single mom with no real family support. I had a pretty good life though, great job, great daughter, nice condo, a convertible. I was cute and young. I had lots of reasons to be happy! When out of the blue, I crashed.

As a very young child, my parents were divorced, my mother an alcoholic, drug user, lots of men. I witnessed a lot of this, plus the abandonment from my mother. My father raised me and my sister, remarried when I was 9 to a woman who physically and emotionally abused me.

I witnessed domestic violence in my extended family, being put in harms way. Plus during visits with my mother, saw her abused as well.

Being from a family who absolutely refused to talk about anything. I was a child and was to speak only when spoken too. Nothing was ever resolved. I told my dad once, in a very very long letter, about everything, and he never spoke about it, I don't think he believed me. So I grew up stuffing everything, just surviving. My sister became an alcoholic as well. I married a man who became depressed, violent and abusive, emotionally and physically but have ZERO tolerance for that, so within 3 years we divorced.

Suddenly, I crashed, I was about 32 yrs old. In hind sight I can say it probably came on over about a week or two, this crazy spiral down, but ended one night with all the pain I had stuffed for my whole life coming at me. I couldn't stop it and attempted suicide. Fortunately I failed. I was able to get help but it was a really rough road for a while. The depression was horrible. I was a single mom and HAD to go to work. I would drive to work and sit in the car and gather the strength to get out and walk in. It felt like I was swimming against the current, walking against a strong wind, it was exhausting.

I was put on Prozac and that was a miracle. Within a few weeks it was like someone threw cold water on me and woke me up from a nightmare! I was in therapy, which was somewhat helpful, but sure didn't really solve anything.
I continued the meds, discontinued therapy when my insurance became a nightmare. Then eventually, probably a couple years or so later, went off the meds on my own.

I have done well since. A few bumps, but my new husband was a great support so I got through. Until a few weeks ago. I cant say how long it has been, but a few weeks ago I felt myself really sunk. I felt like that swimming upstream struggle just to get through the day, wanting to climb into bed the moment I walked in the door at home. Not wanting to do anything or go any where. When I talked to my husband about it I just cried. He is wonderful and loves me dearly and is very supportive, but has no real idea what depression is. He didn't know me when I went through the first battle. I am no where near where I was the first time, but don't want to get there!

I went to the GP doctor last week and discussed my migraines and my depression symptoms with him and was put on 20 mg of Prozac. I was a little worried about it, I was questioning my motives, wondering if I am depressed or do I just want attention. But as I brought it up with him, I began to cry uncontrollably and just wanted to curl up in a ball and kind of give up. I began to see how much I was struggling just to get through a single day at a time.

I opted for the Prozac because last time it made me lose weight, and I know some of the others can make you GAIN and I cannot afford to gain any more weight at all. I am having a bunch of funky side affects, jitteriness, jaw clenching at night, funky dreams, a little trouble falling asleep.

It has been a week, and I am beginning to see some small reliefs. I am beginning to be able to concentrate at work, actually finishing things and functioning instead or pouring myself into non-work related net surfing just to occupy my brain. I feel like life is still a big struggle, and cant focus on finances, it stresses me out even though we are financially fine. I am asking my husband to take this over. I start to think about it and then think I cant I cant I cant I cant!

So, that is where I am now. I didn't really ever think I would be back here again. Its a bit frustrating. I don't really want to go back into therapy, I don't think there is anything that can be fixed with counseling. I understand and acknowledge the abuse from my childhood. What else could it help.

Hi TerriLynn,

There are lots of things that you can do that are good for depression outside of the standard "meds+therapy" that you will hear from most MDs. Especially exercise, dietary improvements, supplements and meditation can be helpful and it's great for your health anyway, so why not add them to whatever you are doing now? I think that the process of actively looking for new things to try is helpful in itself.

I'm reading an insightful book about PTSD and adverse childhood experiences that might interest you called "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, that might interest you. There is also a free book and some materials about Trauma recovery here

SE Home - Continuing Education for Mental Health Professionals and Bodyworkers | PTSD | Trauma Resolution

- vital

[StartingFreshNow]

I think the Prozac is a good idea - if it helped you before, you know it has a good likelihood of still helping you/helping you again. One thing I've found with meds is that if I have side effects from them, this usually clues me in to the fact that the meds are working for me. There are some that I have no side effects from initially and these tend to do nothing for me. As the previous poster said, usually the side effects lessen over time, so if you can make it through the initial 4-6 weeks, hopefully they will start to go away. And the fact you are seeing a little bit of change so soon on the meds is a positive sign too. I encourage you to stick with the Prozac for a little longer.

Maybe since you caught on that you need help, the meds will be the push you need to help you through this. It sounds like your husband is willing to support you, take him up on it. If you know the things that would help you (whether it be him just listening to you talk and offering no suggestions to solve your problem, or if you want him to help distract you when you're struggling, or whatever it is), tell him what those things are and let him help you when you need it. Maybe even just make a code word that when you say it he knows that you need him to step up and help so that you don't have to go into a whole discussion of how you're feeling and what's going on.

No one ever wants to go back into such a bad state, but unfortunately we can't always control that. If you're really against therapy, do what you can on your own, but if you can't pull out of it, try to be open to the idea. Your life is different now than it was back then. Maybe there are things you need to work through at this point in your life that you haven't yet. Maybe it's not the abuse from your childhood, but other things that are triggering this round and maybe a counselor could help you deal with these new challenges.

Good luck!

[TerriLynn]

Thanks. I just downloaded "the body keeps the score" on my Nook, so we will see what I learn! I will check out the free one also.

Unfortunately exercise is against my religion. Haha, just kidding. But that is about how much I avoid it. I am not sedentary by any means, I almost never sit still. Especially on this Prozac! I cant get into yoga or meditation, my brain wont stop long enough to take a single breath!

[TerriLynn]

Originally Posted by StartingFreshNow

It sounds like your husband is willing to support you, take him up on it. If you know the things that would help you (whether it be him just listening to you talk and offering no suggestions to solve your problem, or if you want him to help distract you when you're struggling, or whatever it is), tell him what those things are and let him help you when you need it. Maybe even just make a code word that when you say it he knows that you need him to step up and help so that you don't have to go into a whole discussion of how you're feeling and what's going on.

I really like this suggestion. This sounds like something he would definitely do. I like the code word. I think that might work for us. We have 3 English bulldogs, one of them, Sarah, is really droopy and always looks sad and depressed, so we call her Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh). Maybe that will be my word. I will tell him Eeyore is visiting or something.

I am not completely closed to the idea of therapy. I guess I am just feeling defeated and a little hopeless on that matter.

[TerriLynn]

Originally Posted by vital

Hi TerriLynn,

I'm reading an insightful book about PTSD and adverse childhood experiences that might interest you called "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, that might interest you. There is also a free book and some materials about Trauma recovery here

SE Home - Continuing Education for Mental Health Professionals and Bodyworkers | PTSD | Trauma Resolution

- vital

I want to say thank you for recommending this book. This is fantastic!

In chapter 3, the portion called Speechless Horror really nails it for me. I have had a couple situations where I should have been able to speak up, or so I tell myself, and was racked with guilt over not being able to. Now I see that it wasn't my weakness, it was my brain!

Again, thank you.

[vital]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I want to say thank you for recommending this book. This is fantastic!

In chapter 3, the portion called Speechless Horror really nails it for me. I have had a couple situations where I should have been able to speak up, or so I tell myself, and was racked with guilt over not being able to. Now I see that it wasn't my weakness, it was my brain!

Again, thank you.

You're welcome TerriLynn