[Humpty Dumpty]

I really don't know what to do. I write this with tears streaming down my face.

I have been having strong suicidal thoughts for several days. On one hand I want to die but on the other I don't quite have the guts to pull it off. I have tried many times to seek professional help but because I have been burned multiple times have never been able to fully trust anyone to the point where they were able to help. I can feel myself getting worse each day. It has gotten to the point where I can't control my emotions any more. I start crying for no reason and as a man it is not ok to cry.

I have given up on therapy because I have no clue what to do. My last therapist asked something to the effect of "What do you want to accomplish from this?" And I can't answer that. I guess that means I am not really looking for help?

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. Each day it gets harder and harder to hold on. I feel like I am a constant burden to those around because of this. Maybe if I did just follow through I would no longer be a burden and they could move on. I literally feel like screaming right now, but what what would that accomplish?

[gayleggg]

You need to call the suicide hotline or go to the er. Your family would not want to lose you. I know it's hard but you need to reach out for help.

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[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

You need to call the suicide hotline or go to the er. Your family would not want to lose you. I know it's hard but you need to reach out for help.

Suicide hotline is not allowed to give advice. I use to work there. Going to an ER they would just lock me up, which does no good. In mental hospitals 80% of the time you're sitting around doing nothing. It's like a daycare for adults.

[Pierro]

Scream into a pillow. It does help. I agree with you that being locked up and sitting around for most of the day does not help. How do you mean you have been burned? I know you could not answer the T, I know how that feels. But at some point you have to consider that as you have said yourself things are getting out of control, you need help NOW. I was in the same position as you, in regards to SI and I had to back to the psych team for help. I know you don't want that, but it's gone too far and you need to talk to either a family member, your GP, or a friend. Perhaps they can lend you some support and go with you to talk to a professional at this hellish time in your life. Please trust them enough to help. Please!

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[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by Pierro

How do you mean you have been burned?

Long story short on more than one occasion I have had doctors/"medical" staff give out information they were not authorized to. On another back during the late spring/early summer I went to a mental hospital seeking help and asking about their IOP/PHP programs and they ended up locking me up for 4 days and threatened to have me court committed to a state hospital if I didn't cooperate.
I am a loaner I only have 1 friend & we aren't that close and my wife is dealing with her own issues right now. Her mom almost died last week. So I don't need to burden her with my problems as well.

[Fuzzybear]

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

Suicide hotline is not allowed to give advice. I use to work there. Going to an ER they would just lock me up, which does no good. In mental hospitals 80% of the time you're sitting around doing nothing. It's like a daycare for adults.

I disagree about impatient. I've been inpatient 3 times and found it to be helpful all 3 times. It saved my life.

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[vital]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

Long story short on more than one occasion I have had doctors/"medical" staff give out information they were not authorized to. On another back during the late spring/early summer I went to a mental hospital seeking help and asking about their IOP/PHP programs and they ended up locking me up for 4 days and threatened to have me court committed to a state hospital if I didn't cooperate.
I am a loaner I only have 1 friend & we aren't that close and my wife is dealing with her own issues right now. Her mom almost died last week. So I don't need to burden her with my problems as well.

How are you doing today Humpty?

- vital

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by vital

How are you doing today Humpty?
- vital

Ehhh not good. Each day is a struggle. I have dealt with this most of my life and each day the burden becomes harder & harder to bare.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

Ehhh not good. Each day is a struggle. I have dealt with this most of my life and each day the burden becomes harder & harder to bare.

I'm sorry to hear that Humpty. I've been there and I really know what it feels like.

I don't know if you're looking for suggestions, but have a look at this post from Freewilled:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4715237-post156.html

To try what he tried, follow these notes:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB/BA.pdf

- vital

[(JD)]

Depression has a hook that drags us down into the abyss...and for some reason it tells us we are more comfortable there than in the real world.

What to do? Well, determine that you will not make any big decisions until you are not depressed... no one should make any major decision while feeling so poorly...unless it's for brain surgery that you need to feel better!

You need support. Supportive therapy... times like these are the very times you DO need a T to get you through... often a visual is while swirling around in the dark black tornado of depression the patient sticks out his arm/hand for help...and the T grabs it and doesn't let go.

REMEMBER depression tells us lies. You cannot trust what you think imo.... feelings are not fact. The good thing is that you can begin to turn your thinking around... though you will not believe what you tell yourself, that's okay because the brain is filing the good stuff away when you do tell yourself good things.

You haven't always been depressed... you will not be depressed forever.
You are worth hanging in there... this too shall pass.
Don't make a decision you cannot change later when you are feeling better.
Keep asking for help, keep asking for help... keep asking for help...and... did I say? Keep asking for help...

You are loved and cared about even though you don't believe that...

Most people who think they want to end their life don't really, as you shared...but YOU WANT YOUR LIFE AS IT NOW to end...you want change...you want to feel good. Each day is a new start (hey, each hour can be a new start)...keep trying... find one little thing to get done and do it... and then another... reward yourself...

You can make it.