[asylumgardens]

My life is complete crap right now. I don't know what to do. I came home from school because my mother basically forced me to. I wanted to stay at school and take summer classes, but she wouldn't let me and threatened to have me withdrawn from school if I tried to stay, which she can do because I am/was suicidal. I at least thought people would be kind and understanding to me when I got home, since my suicide attempt at this point was only a month and a half ago. It seems like no one is even interested in helping me now.

I don't get it, everyone was so caring and kind before, and now I'm treated like a burden. It just makes me feel worse, and I've gone back to other self destructive coping methods because of it, and it's obvious but no one notices those things either. I can't afford my medications, but no one is willing to help me. Money is tight in our house, therefore food is tight, but if I pay for my own food everyone else will eat it without caring, but if it's food bought with our joint money and food stamps, I get yelled at for having a glass of milk. I am trying to get the job that I go back to every summer, but even they are being unresponsive, so there's no way I can afford anything.

This isn't a "I want to kill myself right now" post, but in some ways I wish I had succeeded and not sought help when I made the suicide attempt before. My life just seems a million times worse than it did the day of my attempt, and I can't handle it and I don't know what to do. I never sleep more than 2 hours a night, and I'm scared that the lack of sleep is hurting me, I always have a headache, feel nauseous, panicky, depressed, etc. and no one cares. I feel like to get anyone to even look in my direction and realize how bad things are for me is to do something drastic to myself again, but I don't want to take it that far. I should be able to deal with this in a more appropriate way, but I don't know what to do.

My mom lost her medicare, and she has more important medications than me that she can't afford, so I feel like I'm being selfish in wanting help too but at the same time she doesn't even try to see if I'm okay or just have a casual conversation with me. I spend 98% of my time sitting alone in my room and no one even cares. I have no friends here, no one to talk to, and my loneliness is just becoming so overwhelming. My brother and his girlfriend live here too, and I thought I was close with them, but now even if they go swimming or to the movies, they don't even ask me if I want to join them or anything.

This is long, but I just sort of had to get it off my chest. Usually I feel better after writing, but I still don't feel too much better now. I have so much emotional pain built up from my past, and all of this recent stuff from just since I've been home is only adding to it and increasing my pain. I don't know how I can take it.

[Direction]

I'm glad you were able to express this. Sometimes things do get worse before they get better...

It sounds like a lot is going on there...Any friends you could stay with?

Also, you should might be able to get free samples from a pdoc. Apply for your own medical benefits...

[bipolar_bear]

You may want to talk to your prescribing doc about getting free meds from the drug company. Many of them participate when people can't afford thier meds.

I am sorry about everything else that is going on in your life right now. I can understand how lonely it can make you feel. Is there something you like to do that maybe you can meet some people with similar interests?

Please take care of yourself and stay safe.

BB

[asylumgardens]

Thanks both of you. The only thing with the free medications from companies, I can't get it mailed to my house because the doctors don't trust me because of past overdoses, and my primary doctor is 2000 miles away from me, where I go to school, so he gets the medicines but can't mail them to me because it's against school policy and he could lose his job (like if someone else got a medication and got hurt by it, the school could be responsible). I've been in constant communication with him, but he can't find any solution. The best I can do, possibly, is maybe ask him if even temporarily if I can try a new medication that is cheaper like the 4 dollar generic ones at Walmart, or something. The health care system seems like it's a losing battle for me, which only adds to my depression in the end. What a pain.

I don't have any friends I can stay here with, but I might end up staying with my grandma, where at least I wouldn't feel as much of a burden with less people living in the house. I'll see how it all works out.

[Direction]

Wishing I could drive you to him personally...

[asylumgardens]

Thanks direction. I feel like I've just been complaining so much about the medicines lol but it's just been such a focus in my life the past couple days, but things seem to be settling as I'm coming to more of a realization that most of the medical insurance world doesn't see you as a person but rather as case, sort of, and even if my own personal doctors want to help, there's only so much they can do without jeopardizing themselves. At first I saw this as a WHY ME sort of thing, but it's not "me" that the programs have it out for, they just don't want people taking advantage of the system, but unfortunately legitimate people are affected by it. I think I'll be okay for the summer, I'll get the medicines free again in September.

[(JD)]

((((asylum))))