I thought I was just in a little bad spot this past week/weekend and just needed to hang around PC obsessively for a few days until I felt sorted, and then I'd be alright. But I think this particular depressive episode has really taken a firm hold of me, because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I feel stuck. And, at this moment, I feel pretty precarious: I don't really know where to go. The couple of friends I do have can't do anything for me, not to mention that I don't want to hang on them with my despair. I desperately want to make others see me, to see that any happiness they perceive is fake, that I'm only putting on a front to survive. I am not well. But, as someone who has been inpatient in the past, I don't see how even that will help me right now. In fact, it'll hinder me. If I make it through this, I will come out the other side without a job prospect (since I'm in the process of trying to move into a new one), and with even less understanding from others than I have now. The only thing the hospital does for me is tweak my meds (which has been done ad nauseum--they're as good as they're gonna get) and in the meantime I'll sit through sessions learning coping skills I've been taught a million times when, really, I need to know how to be someone that people like. Which I've tried to be. And it doesn't work, apparently. On the other hand, maybe I'm not trying and maybe I'm just bitter and not so nice and have let the pain I've endured in life get to me and have no hope that I won't continue to be a bitter, lonely person.

I just want companionship. I just want people to call me, to invite me places, to follow through with me. I want people to like me. I am so so so so lonely. So lonely. I can't bear to live like this. I go through this cycle so often and every time I don't know how I will keep going. I get a little more afraid, every time, that I will be like this forever.

[annoyedgrunt84]

[Skeezyks]

Hello Ruari: I sorry to read of your struggle. Two things occur to me as a result of reading your post. First, from my perspective, seeking happiness in other people is a prescription for never-ending sadness. Somehow, my perspective would be, that you are going to have to figure out some way of being okay alone. If you can find a way to be happy alone, you may find that it will be much easier to find friends.

On a more practical level though, perhaps you might have more success at gaining companionship if you could become involved in some activities that would put you in touch with like-minded people. Such activities could include doing volunteer work, participating in some sort of support group, finding some type of club to join, etc. It is true that one of the major non-medical approaches to treating depression involves turning one's focus away from one's depression, outward toward other people & activities. I know how difficult it can be to do this when one is depressed. But it is an important aspect of recovery from depression. And the sooner one puts forth the effort to do it, the better. So my wish for you would be that you would be able to find some way to turn outward into the community. If you can, you may well find the companionship you seek...

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Ruari: I sorry to read of your struggle. Two things occur to me as a result of reading your post. First, from my perspective, seeking happiness in other people is a prescription for never-ending sadness. Somehow, my perspective would be, that you are going to have to figure out some way of being okay alone. If you can find a way to be happy alone, you may find that it will be much easier to find friends.

On a more practical level though, perhaps you might have more success at gaining companionship if you could become involved in some activities that would put you in touch with like-minded people. Such activities could include doing volunteer work, participating in some sort of support group, finding some type of club to join, etc. It is true that one of the major non-medical approaches to treating depression involves turning one's focus away from one's depression, outward toward other people & activities. I know how difficult it can be to do this when one is depressed. But it is an important aspect of recovery from depression. And the sooner one puts forth the effort to do it, the better. So my wish for you would be that you would be able to find some way to turn outward into the community. If you can, you may well find the companionship you seek...

You mistake me: I am (overall) content being alone. I've been alone, without a significant other or close family relationship for several years and I'm, for all intents and purposes, thriving. I'm successful and doing pretty well. I am just not enjoying my success as much as I could be.

Humans weren't meant to be completely alone. I don't seek happiness in other people. I seek companionship, understanding, and even love. These are basic human needs just like food, water, shelter, security... is it so wrong, unhealthy, or even dysfunctional for me to want them? And honestly, even if you were the most contented alone person ever...who doesn't feel hurt when they are rejected? Repeatedly?

And I am involved in outside activities. I have been for years: I've been involved in several meetups, yoga, book club, I was involved in church years ago (not currently...don't want to be). That doesn't mean that I have companionship or understanding from other people. Just because you get involved with people doesn't mean that they want to get involved with you. Which brings me back to my original post.

Loneliness is "isolation". Aloneness is "freedom".

Loneliness is having no one who gives a buck about you. Aloneness is you deciding what do you want to do on a Friday night.

I guess you just want people to care... without interfering with your coming and going.

But you know, you can't have it both ways.

Me? I'm not an easy person to "get to know". I live in isolation because I am not prepared to share things with people, to let them in... because I'm afraid that they are going to invade my life.

I feel lonely myself, but I don't want to risk compromising my privacy and let out stuff that I like to keep private. Call me paranoid, but I think that a lot of people have their own little agenda these days. So I push people away instead. It's my only defense.

But I think I'm happier that way. Weighing the pros and cons, I think that loneliness works better for me.

...

I hope you find what you're looking for.

[*Laurie*]

I think the word for what you're describing, Ruari, is 'lonesome'. And lonesome hurts.

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

I think the word for what you're describing, Ruari, is 'lonesome'. And lonesome hurts.

That's exactly right. I think I adapted to liking my alone time because, years ago, I had no choice. I was part of a group of people who were very conservative and by a certain age were of the mindset that the friendships of their youth were to be left by the wayside in order to focus on marriage ("leaving and cleaving.") I didn't know this was a thing, and invested a lot of time and energy into maintaining these friendships and then *poof* they were gone. Which is hard for the newly grown up kid who survived a childhood full of rejection and abandonment.

But I'm alright. Today I am. I do have people...it's not everything I want but when is it ever? Sometimes people care, they just care about themselves more so it seems like they aren't paying much attention.

[continuosly blue]

[QUOTE=Ruari;4757455]I thought I was just in a little bad spot this past week/weekend and just needed to hang around PC obsessively for a few days until I felt sorted, and then I'd be alright. But I think this particular depressive episode has really taken a firm hold of me, because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.[QUOTE]

Ruari , I could have written just about the same post recently. I've felt that extra firm grip
of depression on me. To the point where I was starting to get nervous. I also was thinking about maybe going inpatient but decided against it.

[QUOTE]I feel stuck. And, at this moment, I feel pretty precarious: I don't really know where to go. The couple of friends I do have can't do anything for me, not to mention that I don't want to hang on them with my despair. I desperately want to make others see me, to see that any happiness they perceive is fake, that I'm only putting on a front to survive. [QUOTE]

-------------I hope you don't mind me paraphrasing your post. I found some of the things you said very eluminating. You feel stuck and precarious and even if you weren't stuck you wouldn't know where to go. That's exactly how I felt. Paralyzed. Well your couple of friends are two more than I have but even if I had 100 friends I'd probably still feel the same. And I hate telling anybody except my therapist ,( who I have to pay to listen to me ), how I really feel because I will just be a "downer" then. You want to make others see you , like " look , here I am and why don't you see that I feel like **** and how come you don't really care ".

[QUOTE] I need to know how to be someone that people like. Which I've tried to be. And it doesn't work, apparently. On the other hand, maybe I'm not trying and maybe I'm just bitter and not so nice and have let the pain I've endured in life get to me and have no hope that I won't continue to be a bitter, lonely person.[quote]

-----------Why do you have to have other people like you ? Someone will like you when you meet someone who likes you ! When you say your not nice, do you punch people in the face ? Do you curse them out ? Or do you just show others how you really feel , which IS probably bitter and angry and in pain. I am a nice person , but , I can come off harsh , short tempered ( I don't suffer fools gladly ), and sarcastic. There are many factors involved. The thing is you are not a bad person you just have issues that probably shine thru to others. Your probably not a phony either.

I just want companionship. I just want people to call me, to invite me places, to follow through with me. I want people to like me. I am so so so so lonely. So lonely. I can't bear to live like this. I go through this cycle so often and every time I don't know how I will keep going. I get a little more afraid, every time, that I will be like this forever.

-------------The companionship will come , the calls will come , people will care about you. You won't be lonely forever. If you work on yourself a little everyday , at a certain time , in a certain place , circumstances will make it happen. I mean I'm saying all this to myself too ! I'm physically alone for the first time in my life. I just went through a divorce , ( almost 40 yrs. ), my two kids won't talk to me. I have no friends. I'm alone and can do anything I want to but I can't because I'm paralyzed with the fear that comes with depression , among other reasons. So I can't enjoy my freedom. And I'm lonely as hell. But you know what. It's probably about time that I find out who the heck I really am.
When that happens everything else will fall into place. I just have to stick around for it. You won't be lonely or feel like you do now forever.

I'll get to your other posts later ok ? ; )
take care,
CB

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response!

No, I don't suffer fools and I am not a phony. I think that sometimes the negativity comes out but I also (because I have pushed so many people away with my anger and negativity) work very hard to subvert it when I really feel depressed. I was told early in my life that my face is an open book--this I can't help. It's my face, lol. It takes a heck of a lot of energy to be cognizant of your expressions 24/7 and when you don't feel well, and you're an "open book," it'll be there. But I think I also just have "RBF" (Resting B Face, hahaha) and look like I'm in a mood when I'm not. I've been told to smile/stop being so grumpy when I'm in a perfectly happy mood (also, who made you king of my facial expressions?? Because it's usually a male telling me to smile. )

The feedback I've gotten from coworkers (I use them so often because I'm around them so often) is that I'm a positive person with a big heart. First time someone (whom I respect) said that I looked at them and was like, "Um, have you actually met me? But it's true, I have a big heart. I try to be positive in the work setting. I have a wry, sarcastic, sometimes morbid sense of humor but none of those things have any bearing on the former.

Anyway. Thanks again for the response. I feel alright now. I think it's because I got a few nights of normal sleep. I have a little bit of perspective, and am thinking a little more clearly. I'm not totally out of the woods, but I can at least see my way. I have made an appointment to get back with a therapist (and I think this one is going to be really good) and my goal is to work on issues which I never even really talked about in the past few decades with T's (because it was too difficult/shame inducing), namely my body image issues, history of eating disorder, shame/guilt, and obsessive thinking. It's gonna be hard. But I think it's gonna be worth it.

[*Laurie*]

Good sleep can make all the difference in the world.