I'm new, I feel this is a last resort.

Hi! I've been in treatment for decades and I've only gotten worse, or it seems like that to me. I'm on ssdi now (I have been for 10 yrs) and I feel like a failure. I've developed physical issues, tics or jerks or something and I have no idea if it's medical or what. I'm not doing it on purpose it just happens but there is no cause showing up medically. Every medical test I get comes back fine so I feel like a jerk for bothering doctors. I've exhausted all psych meds my insurance will cover and my psychiatrist has just thrown her hands in the air, literally.

I do make an effort to enjoy my day and explore alternatives. I know there is help beyond pysychiatry and therapy. I try everything. I fight everyday. Sometimes I've been weak. I've been in 3 comas.

I'm sober now but I've had some issues with drinking and weed. I've abused klonopin. I've done things I'm totally ashamed of and have horrible guilt. I can't believe my spouse is still with me.

I want to reach out and tell someone the way I really feel inside but Ive been in the hospital at least 15? Times? It doesn't make those thoughts go away. It's just a container. Some therapists say I have borderline personality disorder. I find that stigmatising and embarassing. I can act like a little brat though and I'm a middle aged woman. I'm a mess. Yes I've done dbt. Ive done it all. Crystals, anti psychiatry, herbs, oils, diet changes, reiki. EVERYTHING and I'm still a morose moody jerk. There's gotta be some reason my spouse is still with me. It's certainly not for money or beauty or security.

Whew.

Those tics and physical issues are called "tardive dyskenisia"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tardive_dyskinesia

(thought to be due to problems in the basal ganglia). It is very definitely something to complain very loudly about and not live with, IMHO.

My overall advice is to forget everything you've done and re-think your problem from the beginning. The first thing I would go for is "Functional Medicine" to really carefully check for underlying physical problems. You may have hypothyroidism, a vitamin deficiency, omega 3 fat deficiency, gluten allergy, infection, gut microbiome problems, heavy metal toxicity, ... Any of these can cause mental problems and you'll never know it unless you check. Here is what I think is the best plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

The tics are probably do to lithium which I am assuming you take.

Wow! Your story sounds a lot like mine. I ask my wife all the time if she's the one with psych issues because you'd have to have something wrong in the head to want to stay with me. Because of all my psychological and physical issues and because of the things I've done. The important thing to remember is that they do love us, they want to stay with us, and they want to help.
Also, it's your body. It isn't defined by any doctor and none of them, especially a psychiatrist, can tell you nothing's wrong when there obviously is. If one psychiatrist gives up on you, find a new one that won't give up and wants to help you. They are there for your sake and not the other way around. Don't ever feel you are bothering the doctors. As far as the good ones, they entered this field to help those who need help. As far as the bad ones who just do it for the big paycheck, they're still getting paid.
I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I too am on ssd and I hate that. I want to just get better and go back to work. Unfortunately, mental illness is a very real serious ailment that needs to be addressed and worked on just like a broken bone. I told my psychiatrist that I have more respect for her than I do for medical docs, who I greatly respect. Medical doctors can take an X-ray or blood sample, identify the illness, and cure it. Pretty cut and dry. But psychiatrists have to make a diagnosis based off of what the patient tells them and try different meds or combinations of meds that may work for one patient but not another. So, if one thing doesn't work, try another then another until you find something that does work for you.
These are medical conditions we have but they don't define us. We can't let them own us. Keep fighting and keep talking. There are people, out there and in here, willing to listen.

I haven't taken lithium in years. Iit's like a full body tic or jerk. It's been happening for a while and got worse, now still bad but happen less often. Feels like an electric shiver. I know people who have lithium issues and people who have td and I don't think it's any of that unless it's some super severe tardive reaction to something I was prescribed a while back. I just take topirimate and elavil now.

Thanks. I'm real low right now. Your words helpedake me feel not so hopeless. Not so alone.

You are far from alone especially in here. There are a lot of great people who understand your situation and can definitely relate. We're all in here looking for support but also giving it. While we aren't trained professionals, we do know what you're going through and want to help. Never give up the fight. You have too many people in your corner now.