How many times again?

I really wonder how much of this pain can one take before he is defeated. The bad news is that I know that many people have suffered WAY more than me, I just started. My life will be unfortunately long, since I seem to have good health and I'm still quite young (36).
I feel like this is not my planet, this is not my body, these are not my hands. Every word out of my mouth seems false, every person seems a ghost, everything seems on the verge of annihilation, everything running towards death, and me leading the pack.
But the anguish... ah damn, that is MY pain, and it's real, solid as nothing else.

I"m sorry you are feeling so bad, stefano.

It is true, everything does run toward death. That is the way of life itself, it runs toward death. The liviing, the life, is what takes place as we wait. It is in resisting that reality that can cause us trouble and interfere with fully enjoying the living while we have the chance.

Are you in therapy to help you with your feelings?

(((((((((((((((Stefano))))))))))))))

Welcome your in the right place for support and not alone.

Also con grad on your good health...you are the same age as me -1.

Pain is what other can inflict on someone to make themselves feel better.

Pain is also what we inflict on ourselves for lots of reasons.

The question how will you deal with this...?? And which pain is being inflicted on to you...?

It seems the first...if that is the case......use your 'sympathy" emotion....knowing this person is total sad and lacking self-esteem. You may be surprised how better this may make you feel. whilst taking away the angry...(I'm say this to help your deal with the emotions, not who may be right or wrong.)
Pain and angry.............bad combination....try and change you’re thinking patterns....I know this is easier said then done.

Hope this helps a little.

Good Luck
SpringStar

Sorry to reply so late, but my internet connection was down.
Yes I'm on therapy, but it doesn't make miracles. I take meds too (prescribed by a different person). Now he told me on the phone that the new meds I'm taking since december must be detrimental. I'm not naming the medicines because it makes no sense, they may work or not work on patterns that are mainly unknowm.
I'll see the pdoc in 10 days to change the antidepressant.
In the meantime I have to struggle to bring on my daily activities, and I'm cursing the day I was born every minute.

Thank you for talking to me, anyway.

Keep up the struggle and lean on us to make the next 10 days...

I'm sorry you are suffering.

Please remember that depression tells us lies. It's not the best time to think about anything enduring, as it can easily overwhelm you. Life is the journey.

Pain, itself, will not kill, not even physical pain. Our reactions or decided solutions to the pain (emotional or physical) is what kills. You still have a choice. You will always have that option, however, there's no reason to quit trying, ever.

Try to just take things one at a time. Focus on the here and now, what you need to get through right now. The ten days will pass and you will have more help then. (((hugs)))

Thank you for your support, fellows.
This was the worst wake-up mood since it started... anxiety at its best. Now it's being replaced by sleepiness. I must go to work... printing and bookbinding. It will be another day of torment. I'm going.

Bind a book for me?

OH god! This was by far the worst day in the last years, the anxiety was so strong that I had to drink (water) regularly as my mouth was dry from heavy breathing. I gathered some courage to call a friend and make good wishes on her 19th birthday. Then I started crying loud for a few minutes.
Then I have been working, trying to focus on the job and not make mistakes, with the anguish always biting me relentessly. I have to work on sunday because bookbinding requires attention, I can't do it with the shop open.
Oh God, I'll soon be sleeping, scared about tomorrow... everytime I wake up, it's like a ton of crap being dropped on me, it's a trauma everytime. That is why I never make naps during the day, na matter how sleepy. I can't afford to wake up 2 times the same day!

Tomorrow I'll call my therapist, just to update him, but he can't really help in this time of severe crisis... It's not like a dentist, he can't grind the evil off my brain.

I keep reading that depression is an illness that can be cured, on a day like this my confidence is thinning down.

Thank you all for being there.

We are you as you need us...

(((((((((((stefano)))))))))))

i hear you. anxiety is the most evil monster along with depression. please feel free to pm me.i have suffered these demons all my life, the most recent bout the worst ever. i know how you feel, you are in a good place for support and empathy. i live in englandso there may be a time difference depending on where you live, but here to listen whenever. i can relate to tryingto get through each day, the struggle unbearable at times. so sorry you feel so bad, we're all here for you and there is a support chat room should you require immediate help.

take care my friend, jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Just another awful day. Not awful as yesterday, it was the worst day since 2001. Today I woke up anxious and went to work. I have a shop of digital printing, binding and other services. Everyone comes in with a different problem, and moreover we had one copier non operating, so I had to make choices fast, and to explain to customers... It is always quite stressful, guess about doing it in my situation: I was sweating with dry mouth, heavy breath and fingers trembling at times. By lunch time I was knocked down.
I managed to eat something, then the afternoon was more quiet, so anxiety subsided in favor of a dull despair. There seem to be no third possibility.
OH %#@&#!, this bout is lasting 23 days now. It's wearing me off. I know that people have endured worse crises, but I have things to do, I'm actually doing things that were supposed to be pleasant and meaningful. Depression is wasting it all!

Stefano,
I know it seems that the darkness will never lift,but it will.Wishing you better days are ahead.