How many times?

How many times does one have to hear "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" ?

I want to run.... run.... far far away!!

If I hold strong in admitting my hurt-- I'm met with more anger and total upset for the whole family. Am I in the wrong for feeling he doesn't care?? If he cared.... would he use such very hurtful words time and time again? Would he throw things and break things........ if he cared??

I want to run this time! Run far far away!!

I fear it will NEVER stop if I don't make a stand for myself. .................. but no one will understand....... as I have been my own worse enemy!!! I have held all the signs of my pain deep inside, so no one would ever suspect-- no one from either families has any idea how it is between us behind closed doors. They won't believe or understand...... it will be just like when I was a little girl all over again!!! I hate this all so much!!

So many times I've heard... "It will be different from now on"..... but then it's not long and things are right back where they started!! I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if he is REALLY sincere this time.

I talked him into going with me to T. on Friday--- (my T. has been trying to show me that I don't deserve to live this way)..... I don't know if my T. is right...... I'm so scared...... I don't know what my husband is going to do there. Will I be the bad one??? Will he get even more angry with me??

In case I'm not around for a bit...... not to worry..... I may be out looking for a place to live.

Thanks to all of you that have supported me in the past........ Sorry I've not been on lately..... my computer is broken and I'm on a very slow and ancient machine---
not to mention when I'm going through emotional turmoil I tend to isolate.

bye,
mandy

Your T is right!! I am PMing you (((((((((((( Mandy ))))))))))))

My sweet friend,

You already know that I do understand what you are saying. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's so very difficult.

I think it's a good idea you are looking for another place to stay, in case you decide to leave. It will be less scary for you. If you also talk to your T, he/she might guide you towards places or organisations that can help you make a new start. You don't have to decide right now but you can phone them to know what they have to offer. Whatever you decide, I will support you!

I'm so sorry that you are hurting!

(((((((((((((((((mandy))))))))))))))))))

dear one, you don't deserve ANYTHING but the best. i'm so glad he's agreed to go to t. this will help you regardless.

you offer so much to so many. please know that right now we're rallying in your corner.

so many thoughts to you right now. don't hesitate to PM.

much love, respect and many wishes.

kd

abusers love to play games with our minds. You know you don't deserve to be hurt and I know that making change, any kind of change is scarey. Please take care of your soul and your body.

My ex-husband abused me physically, emotionally and mentally. I cried oceans while wishing his apologies were sincere. I totally understand "it will be different from now on". Words I would hang on to with so much hope.

It hurts so much - I feel for you! I know it is so hard. You are special and worthwile. I am sorry for the pain and fear you are feeling.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Please... at T's... don't sit too close to hubby, as you might not feel safe? Allow the T to direct the session... let T see how hubby really is (and T won't rely upon empty promises, believe me..but will see "halo" data...) If you wish to stay pretty quiet in session, that would be ok.

Take care of you, 2b... you are appreciated here.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((2b1better)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope this works.

((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((2b1better)))))))))))) You don't deserve to be treated poorly. I am glad you are seeing your T together as your t will be able to help you sort through some of what is going on with you. Just know there are options out there should you decide that you would like a change. I know you will make the best decision for you and I will support you whatever that is.

Gee, I sure didn't expect so many replies. You are all so kind to reply.

Fuzzy-- thank you for your support, you've always been here for me-- for that I am very thankful.

Time0-- Yes, I do know that you understand.
Thank you so much for your support. To be able to have my own voice would be a dream- I'm thinking. To not have to feel bad about having an opinion.....
I see I really need some time away...... to strengthen my inner self that never had a chance to grow.

Kimmy- thanks for the "rallying" in my corner. I'm quite scared to make such a stand..... but I believe I will cease to exist if I don't do this. This last event with him has left me so squashed Thank you so much for your support.

ww--- change is very scary indeed..... and standing up for myself has been unthinkable!!! I hope I don't chicken out

Sabrina--- I'm sorry you have experienced similar-- it does hurt so much to be hurt by the one that is supposed to be the kindest. Yes, I have hung on to his words as if it was the only branch on the cliff side of which I dangle.

Sky-- thanks for the ideas, I will keep them in mind for sure. Thank you for your kind words.

brianm-- thanks, I hope it all works too.

myself-- thanks for the hugs.

bipolar bear--- thank you for your support. I hope you're right about my T. helping me to sort through some things--- it's so hard for me to trust anyone.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your support. I wish I could take you all with me to my session-- I'm already starting to get shaky--- -- (feels like I'm being such a chicken)

mandy

((((( book-bud )))))

I'll be thinking of you.

I KNOW you can do this.

Mandy - hang in there. I am thinking of you. You are not being chicken - your fears are real.

Wishing you lots of strength!

(((( MANDY ))))) I see some posts way late ...but am always here for you..I am glad you and T are going to deal with this...you do NOT deserve this shyt at all

Mandy

Thinking of you!

Well first, I've been quite anxious about this whole post-- putting myself out there! I get so afraid that I'm going to receive the same things I've gotten in 3-D life..... invalidation-- resulting in wishing I would have never said anything.
----- But it's NOT been that way here--- Thank You all so much!!

Tunia-- thanks for believing in me--- I appreciate that.
Sabrina-- thanks for all your support, it means a lot to me.
Sleeps-- please, don't worry that you were late here-- I always welcome your support anytime. Thank you.
Time0-- thanks again for your thoughtful support.

The session Friday was draining...... not used to voicing so much of my inner-self.

My T's support was unending-- even when my husband turned things several times, to be about himself-- my T. turned the subject back around to my concerns--- it was so amazing--- how he could do that!!! -- (as, I found myself falling back into the old ways-- feeling sorry for my husband's struggles and thinking he needs support and having the urge to put myself aside).

My mind tries to tell me, my husband can't help the way he is towards me at times, as he has many struggles. My mind says, "If he just didn't have those struggles, things would be so much better", and if I deny supporting him that makes me an awful, selfish person!! ---- Yet, another part of me says it shouldn't be that way no matter what. -- it's so confusing.

After we got home my husband said what a "jerk" my T. is. That hurt--- the hard part is-- should it have hurt? Is that feeling I have valid?

As a child, my feelings were wrong---it's ridicules being upset when someone "innocently" forces themself on me again and again. I also shouldn't have been scared being held at gunpoint when I was 8, after all it was a boy of only 13-- how could I be afraid of a "boy"-- what a baby I was!!
Just what am I supposed to feel now???

yikes!--- I hope I haven't said too much! So sorry if I've offended anyone. Think I better go hibernate now!!

thanks to all of you for your support.

mandy

Hey ya...I think your being upset at hubby for putting T down is WAY normal I mean here is a NICE man T who cares for you and is helping you...kinda like a friend in a way and he gets insulted ..note he didnt say it to his face...Its also a subtle emotional abuse IMO from your hubby because he is also invalidation your T's feelings and observations..which where in your favor thus its like a slap at both of you..Heck no you havent said anything to offend anyone..You are normal on all this

Also.... the gun yes you should have been scared 13 or not you could have been killed kids have been known to kill...and on the hubby not being able to help that ..I think he can..it is just HARD to do...Also on your end as a child we want to believe only the good in people and its hard to accept duel feelings...Hubby is wrong a lot

Hi dear Mandy,

After we got home my husband said what a "jerk" my T. is.

Last summer my husband said that his T was the most stupid person he has ever met. Why he said that? Because his T wanted to work on his abusive behavior towards me. He never went back to see T.

I think you have a good T.

I love you my friend!

Thanks Sleeps and Time0-- your validation means more to me than you could ever imagine!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

mandy

I am glad the meeting went okay. Your spouse has definately taken abuse 101 and 102

Thanks wisewoman.

I find it odd how when it comes to my situation I didn't see abuse... my T. had to drill it into my mind over and over-- I was abused as a child and am still experiencing abuse presently.

--- The first time my T. referred to my past as abusive..... I couldn't believe it! I truly just thought I wasn't loveable. (not wanting any pity -- I just really thought that).
I'm now working on learning what is abusive and what isn't-- and feeling very clumsy I might add....... it may be simple for some to know such a thing..... but I don't think I got that hand out when I was growing up---

mandy

Naa, it's not simple because we constantly have had our reality denied. That's what happens when abusers paint a different clored picture. Good works you are doing my friend.

If you look deeply and carefully, you will find why you denial the abuse.

As you already know, there is different kind of abuse. You can denial one abuse for a certain reason and denial another kind of abuse for a totally different reason.

For me I don't really denial it but I hide it.

Take care of yourself sweetie! You are worth it!