What does it matter if I accomplish the goals I've set out for myself, am finally successful in my work and am able to support myself comfortably...if I don't have love, companionship, understanding, and friendship in my life?

What's the point?

Oh sure, there are things to enjoy on my own. There is life to be had out there. But we're not meant to be completely solitary, and a lack of love and understanding starts to take its toll.

I shudder to think of myself going through decades more of this--this being the cycle of being "okay," when okay means I have successfully convinced myself that people find me likeable, attractive, interesting. That it's okay when people exclude me, it's okay that no one of the opposite sex has taken notice of me in, literally, years, it's okay when coworkers smile in my face and tell me how awesome I am only to whisper behind me about how much they just "don't care for" me. It's all okay! I'm alright! I rise above! And the opposite end is the hurt and loneliness of realizing that I am not okay with this. I'm not at all. I don't want to be excluded, I want to be noticed, to be thought of as interesting, beautiful, desirable, to have people care for me. I don't want to be an island.

I don't really have a choice. I just tend to end up an effing island anyway, no matter how hard I try not to be one. Attempting to embrace it works for a minute, then I end up right back here.

I feel like literally the majority of people in every area of my life--work, school, meetup groups, and church (when I used to go) dislike me. I'm not guessing at that; it's just fact. I've tried to write it off as my natural personality; INTJ. We're rare to begin with and even more rare when we're women. I don't typically come across as a warm-fuzzy person because that isn't me (and when I try to behave that way it is perceived as fake, confusing, or irritating because of that. Or it's with someone I know really, really well.) But I do care a lot about many people. I'm an honest, loyal, and trustworthy person; it's too bad most people don't put a premium on these qualities. I'm short on whatever people do put their faith in.

No one has to respond to this, really. But I'm just sitting here thinking--how many more ups and downs can I go through? How many more times can I question who I am and where I belong? How much more can I think I belong somewhere only to find out that, really, people don't accept me there? I know, I know you don't need to be accepted to have worth but...it sure does feel better.

I honestly just don't want to do this anymore. None of it. I don't want to dream about the future because I tend to be disappointed. I don't care about my brand spanking new degree or my newly minted license; I don't want to do this anymore. I want to just pull the curtains, lie under my covers until my body doesn't function any longer. Because really...who cares if it does? People online who've never met me? Who might like the "me" I express through written word, my best form of communication? If you actually met me, you'd probably leave eventually, too.

Really. I can't think of a single person who'd care.

[Daphnelover]

I'm sorry I think you know that your worth is not determined by other people's thoughts or actions. But I don't think we were meant to be completely alone, either. How to bridge that gap when you are alone? I don't know. Just wanted to say that I care...

Originally Posted by Daphnelover

I'm sorry I think you know that your worth is not determined by other people's thoughts or actions. But I don't think we were meant to be completely alone, either. How to bridge that gap when you are alone? I don't know. Just wanted to say that I care...

I do know this in my mind, but I don't feel it in my heart, you know?

I think in my formative years I was taught that I was worthless, for the most part. And actually how I was treated (i.e. my "worth" in my little mind) was dependent upon my mother's thoughts and actions, which were incredibly unstable and unpredictable. I never knew from one day to the next how she was going to react to anything--a comment she laughed hysterically at today, she might slap me for tomorrow. So I never really got a sense of "You're alright; what you do and say is acceptable." I have a more concrete sense of who I am now, but I know it's far less concrete than normal. So the foundation is pretty easily shaken.

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[lima01]

Originally Posted by Ruari

What does it matter if I accomplish the goals I've set out for myself, am finally successful in my work and am able to support myself comfortably...if I don't have love, companionship, understanding, and friendship in my life?

What's the point?

Oh sure, there are things to enjoy on my own. There is life to be had out there. But we're not meant to be completely solitary, and a lack of love and understanding starts to take its toll.

I shudder to think of myself going through decades more of this--this being the cycle of being "okay," when okay means I have successfully convinced myself that people find me likeable, attractive, interesting. That it's okay when people exclude me, it's okay that no one of the opposite sex has taken notice of me in, literally, years, it's okay when coworkers smile in my face and tell me how awesome I am only to whisper behind me about how much they just "don't care for" me. It's all okay! I'm alright! I rise above! And the opposite end is the hurt and loneliness of realizing that I am not okay with this. I'm not at all. I don't want to be excluded, I want to be noticed, to be thought of as interesting, beautiful, desirable, to have people care for me. I don't want to be an island.

I don't really have a choice. I just tend to end up an effing island anyway, no matter how hard I try not to be one. Attempting to embrace it works for a minute, then I end up right back here.

I feel like literally the majority of people in every area of my life--work, school, meetup groups, and church (when I used to go) dislike me. I'm not guessing at that; it's just fact. I've tried to write it off as my natural personality; INTJ. We're rare to begin with and even more rare when we're women. I don't typically come across as a warm-fuzzy person because that isn't me (and when I try to behave that way it is perceived as fake, confusing, or irritating because of that. Or it's with someone I know really, really well.) But I do care a lot about many people. I'm an honest, loyal, and trustworthy person; it's too bad most people don't put a premium on these qualities. I'm short on whatever people do put their faith in.

No one has to respond to this, really. But I'm just sitting here thinking--how many more ups and downs can I go through? How many more times can I question who I am and where I belong? How much more can I think I belong somewhere only to find out that, really, people don't accept me there? I know, I know you don't need to be accepted to have worth but...it sure does feel better.

I honestly just don't want to do this anymore. None of it. I don't want to dream about the future because I tend to be disappointed. I don't care about my brand spanking new degree or my newly minted license; I don't want to do this anymore. I want to just pull the curtains, lie under my covers until my body doesn't function any longer. Because really...who cares if it does? People online who've never met me? Who might like the "me" I express through written word, my best form of communication? If you actually met me, you'd probably leave eventually, too.

Really. I can't think of a single person who'd care.

To me you sound like an interesting person , you must have to some real good talents to get your degree. But we all have to learn to change how we interact with people . Its not easy but you have to dive in an immerse yourself in good folks , wow we all have to make mistakes . Sometimes it takes awhile for us to separate the flashy and the really kind generous types.
You can have a very nice journey ahead if you choose to . I envy you since I'm nearer the end of my path . Put on your toughest skin and wear your heart on the outside ,make people comfortable around you . You can be happy .

Originally Posted by lima01

wear your heart on the outside ,make people comfortable around you.

I know this sounds like a cop-out, but that just isn't my personality type, lol. Which is my problem, and I realize that. I know where my limitations are, that I have a personality which doesn't meld easily with others. And I can't change who I fundamentally am just to please other people; I've tried, and I fail miserably. I will never wear my heart on my sleeve; not only do I not want to tell people some things, but I have been burned opening up to people. And anyway...it just isn't who I am, so to do it comes off as fake and no one likes someone who isn't genuine.

I'm not a sweet person per se, but I will continue to be kind to people. That's what I have to offer.

[Fizzyo]

I agree Ruari,

Being yourself is the best policy. If you're kind to people you can't go far wrong. From your post you have some likeable qualities. My husband is INTJ too, he often comes over as a good listener and many people in uk appreciate that. He also likes to spend a lot of time alone as being sociable drains his energy.
He does, however, because of his personality brood on small interactions and can conclude that he failed socially when other people don't think that he has.
Society puts value on people putting themselves and their views forward, but some outgoing people can be brash and irritating. Many people want someone who will listen (or seem to listen) while they spill their guts and share their opinions, without having to listen too much themselves.

He is more likely to have one or two friends and not hang out with so many acquaintances, and he is a loveable person.

I do hope you find someone who can appreciate you. Ignore my ramblings if they don't ring true, but above all be yourself.

You are valued here.

[Wilderleaf]

It matters. Happiness is the most important, but success is an amazing feeling that can help you find it. It can give you confidence and show you that what you desire is attainable. I wish I could muster the determination and focus to go back to school and get a degree.

I have a gaming buddy who’s a complete a-hole, and freely admits it. But he does have some redeeming qualities, and I’ve had some good times with him. And we accept him for who he is. Of course, we meet at his house, so I guess we have to keep him around. They even tolerate me, it’s astounding. My point is that if that guy has friends, then I refuse to accept that an honest, loyal, trustworthy, and kind, but not sweet per se, person can’t as well. Those all seem like important qualities to me. Maybe the most important. If you can find comfort in being yourself, you can find people who not only accept, but appreciate and love you. There will always be disingenuous pretender people who don’t like you. That’s okay, there are also a lot of people. So many people. Of all varieties. I guarantee there are some for you just as there are some that aren’t. Don’t give up.

I’m an INTJ as well. My similar problem is more that I don’t even know how to open up. Burned or not, I’m envious that you’ve been able to. It feels like I’m behind an impassable wall that I likely built myself. The only meaningful relationships I’ve ever had are with my family, and I feel unable to open up even to them. Yes, that does mean I have a family who accepts me, and I feel fortunate for that, but lately I often think I’d rather be rid of that wall so I could feel close to someone for once in my life. So you’re not alone in, uh… being alone. That probably doesn’t help. Sorry I suck at this.

I’ve been feeling pretty down myself, but just trying to encourage you has made me feel a little better. Thanks.