[breemarie]

But keep being pushed back in. Not sure why I'm posting, I just need to vent I guess. I feel I have nobody to talk to. I have alienated everyone that has been in my life. I just stopped bothering with people. I can't hold a conversation. I have nothing to say and don't want to hear anything anyone else has to say. But I can't go to anyone for support or help now because I have pushed them all away. I feel so hopeless. Everything is falling apart still. I have been trying so hard to think positive and to take small steps to put my life back together. I am finally able to get out and interview for jobs. That was impossible a few months ago. I have thought about possibly going to school. I have at least been considering that I could actually have a normal life and maybe even be somewhat happy. But things just keep going downhill. That has been my life story. Whenever I am doing somewhat well something has to go wrong to screw it up. I can't deal with the stress anymore. I am a basket case and like I said I feel totally alone on this earth. I am ruining my bf's life and I just feel like I don't want to be here anymore, but I know that I would hurt people and that would be selfish of me I guess. I guess I have to stick around and take the crap and be miserable. Lucky me. No reason to respond, I just needed to let it out.

Bree

[sabby]

(((((((((((((breemarie))))))))))))

" I am finally able to get out and interview for jobs. That was impossible a few months ago." Wow girl, thats a wonderful accomplishment! You deserve to pat yourself on the back for working so hard to accomplish this!

I'm sorry you are not quite feeling like you are making progress, but from what you say about being able to get out to job interviews, you have definitely made some progress.

Sometimes we have to take things one step at a time to change our lives. But please, while you are on that journey, take a few moments to revel in your accomplishments and let those good feelings propel you to taking the next step. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Give yourself permission to feel good!

Little by little you tackle things in your life that you want to change...before you know it, you look around and say "Whoa, when did all this stuff happen?" "Pretty cool!"

I understand it's hard to see the positive when you are feeling so negative. Keep posting and venting it can be a tremendous help.

I wish for you peaceful thoughts and strength to continue on your journey. Take good care of YOU!



*Gentle Hugs*
Jean

[ab1018]

((((bree)))), if anyone understands, it is me. I know I won't be any help, because I could have been the one writing your post.

I'm to the point where I hardly trust anyone, am sick of struggling for every little thing, and just don't care anymore.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((breemarie))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Sometimes small steps at a time is all we can do. I think it is great you can get out and interview with jobs. And you are considering doing other things. I hope that things go well interviewing and you start to feel better. Take care.

BB

[Direction]

Just wanted to let you know I read your post...don't have anything to add that hasn't been already posted...other than I care...

I can't offer suggestions because I just don't know the answers.

I'm glad you posted here on PC. Here is different. Unlike Ts, best friends, bfs or family who try to understand the pain, sorrow, disillusionment, and despair we feel. We know first hand what you are going through.

Even when we don't respond, we listen. We do understand because we see ourselves in your mirror.

[breemarie]

Thanks everyone for your support and kindness. I just feel like I'm trying to hang in there and its all for nothing. I wonder sometimes, well all the time, why I am even here. I just don't feel there is a reason for me to be here, I don't feel I have any purpose. I am not doing anything for anyone, nobody needs me, I don't have kids to raise, I'm not close with my remaining family members and my bf is sick of me and we barely have a relationship. I am alone most of the time. Again, I wonder what I'm doing here still. It is very hard to keep going when you feel there is no reason to keep going. I don't know, I don't feel I will ever get out of this mess that is my life. I just don't.

[okiedokie]

Depression is tricky. I guess what I can tell you is that you can get better.

Don't ever give up and don't ever give in! If I had, I wouldn't have ever enjoyed this recovery I've got going right now. Of course, it's not smooth sailing, but I don't ever expect it will be. But, I'm productive, relatively happy and stable. I'll take it.
Best wishes,
Okie

[soulno7]

Bree, I feel like you're slipping. I don't even wanna give it a name, depression does it no justice. It's just a %#@&#! word really. A word simply won't do it justice. Bree, ask yourself what you want. In this world, it's the only thing worth contemplating. What do you want? Ask yourself. And Answer it. Think about it. What we want is the only thing worth living for. Anything else will just fall short. So ask yourself what you want. Don't think about how you'll get it, HOW will come later. Go crazy with answering it. A thousand bubble gum wraps? A genie in a bottle? A plane ticket to Bhutan? Make a list.

There is no reason why anyone is alive, they CREATE the reason for themselves. Create your own reason. You're not that out of control of what's happening...it's only an illusion, in the end the truth is you're always in control.

[Perna]

One thing I've found about pushing people away, usually they're sad that you've pushed them away and if you "approach" them again and ask for help they jump at the chance to help you. Some of it's just our perception. Some others are a little bit "thick" :-) and don't even realize they've been pushed away. My husband's clueless that way sometimes, keeps working to make me laugh and enjoy something with him. I bet if you ask your boyfriend he won't agree that you're "ruining his life." Hope you find a little pleasant spot in your life today.