Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Today was a typical Saturday for me. Lots of running around and cleaning. Nothing too exciting on the social front. I don't think that anything exciting is going to happen for the rest of the day.

I am dating a widower. It is like he has two separate departments in his heart, one for his wife who passed on and his feelings of missing her, and one for me. I have my ex in my thoughts and heart all the time and in all ways, I don't mind the widower having another love in his heart. It is just that he makes his wife in to a saint the way he talks about her, I feel like I am doing naughty stuff in a church. I guess it must be creepy to have my ex popping up at all times and places too. Perhaps I will leave my dates feelings to be his feelings and let my past life be my business. It just takes me aback sometimes how both of us can feel happy and glad to see each other and be remembering our old partners at the same time.

Here's an epic day for you. My family is insane. I am so embarrassed right now just thinking about it.

I went to a funeral today for my mom's best friend. My mom and sister do not get along. However they seemed to be fine the past 2 days. I live locally where my mom's friend was living. After mom & sister left this afternoon to drive home on a 7 hour trip, everything blew up between them. During the course of yelling at each other in the car, my sister ended up involuntarily taking her hands off the wheel for a second because she was beginning to get sick, and then she ultimately pulled over to throw up. (I suspect it's due to medication she is on + hot weather + not eating enough). My mom? She said my sister's taking her hands off the wheel frightened her along with her mood, so she took the opportunity to walk out of the car down the road to a gas station, out of sight while my sister was still retching. Then, my sister decided to drive a little way on the highway to "test" my mom to see if she would call her to come pick her up. Well, they couldn't find each other. Both of them were calling me non-stop at my home 90 minutes away and I had to go on google maps to find out exactly where my mom was. Then I had to order her to stay put inside a nearby restaurant because she is 76 years old, she has a very bad knee, and I didn't want her standing outside in the heat. Meanwhile my sister's GPS was dying and not picking up signals well. She eventually found my mom, my mom got back in the car, and they were on their way. The last time I heard from them my sister was yelling at her to get off the phone because her loud speaking voice was distracting her.

I am suffering from insomnia, and at this moment I am lying awake to hear from one of them to make sure they got home ok and have not killed each other. There went my relaxing remainder of the day.

It's so sad. We were just at a funeral, someone close to us FRIGGING DIED, and they still can't go more than a day without fighting. They are 33 and 76. Grow the hell up. I am ALWAYS put in the middle of this and always get two different versions of the same story.

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I didn't realize how deep these feelings were until a few hours ago. I still feel that heaviness in my chest. Now that my body isn't sluggish anymore, it's a lot more noticeable...how did I live with this for 9 years?

Today is awful. Why do I have to feel like this ? I feel so LONELY. I have NOONE to talk to. Everyone is living their lives while I'm just suffering so much internally. I feel so upset. I can't get off bed.

It looks like it's going to be a pretty boring day today. I have tomorrow off. Went to church. It seemed like the people there didn't want to talk to me. But they seemed to flock to my friend. They would talk to him and ignore me. I don't know why I keep going there.

I decided to do laundry today. I was going to do it tomorrow but my friend suggested I should do it today. It turned out that I thought it over and then changed my mind. After all, I don't have to think about it tomorrow when I get up. Today is a cloudy, drizzly day so it wouldn't be that great for a long bike ride.

My friend asked me what would I like to do tomorrow. I can't come up with anything. He made one suggestion on where to go, but I'd rather not go there. I'd rather not go to any place where there's going to be a crowd. He doesn't mind crowds, but I do. Also I feel kind of frustrated that, with only having just one friend, I have to tote him around since he can't drive. It would be nice for me to get toted around once in a while!

I've been feeling pretty miserable today. Started crying earlier and felt so embarrassed by it. My bf tried to comfort me but I pushed him away. I don't want comfort, I want to feel better. But now I feel worse for putting him through all of this.

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smartiesparty, Maybe try a chatroom today. That might help you feel less alone.

--Ceara1010

Well, I've gotten over my frustration with my sister (who frustrated me last night) and can now look back on the evening and say I mostly had a good time. We had Thai food then watched the rest of season one of Silicon Valley. (I love that show!)

It turned out to be a late night--I didn't get home until after 2:00am. Then I hung out here at the Coffee House forum and did a lot of posts there as the threads there ask for short answers. It is a fun place.

I am clearly doing better today because I'm listening to a CD. This I haven't done in a couple of years. I used to be a music fanatic, it was practically an obsession. But my mental illness has robbed me of so much of that. The most I've done lately is listen to the Music Choice channels on Comcast cable. But by doing that, I'm letting others pick what I hear. Historically, I'm not passive about the music I hear and would rather listen to CDs or playlists I've made.

Really, I can look back on this week and say its the best week I've had in years and this is because I've found this forum. Everyday since I joined, I've read and commented on others posts (this will be my 74th post in five days!). I've participated in chats. I even started a thread about favorite artists. So, I can tell this place and the people here are helping to draw me out already. I didn't expect it to happen so fast.

Thanks to everyone for being there!

--Ceara1010

Today I forced myself to do the following: scoop dog poop, buy dog food, go on a bike ride, make a grocery list, cook a big elaborate dinner. I had to lie down in between all of those. I spent a fair amount of time on my bed today. The depression is kicking my ***.

Feeling crappy. Chest hurts really bad.

Had plans to get a lot of stuff done around the house today. Ended up laying around most of the day and took a nap. I did do the laundry, dishes and made supper, but there was so much more that I wanted to get done and it's really triggered my depression tonight.

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rough night.

no plans for today

all in all wondering why i'm here

I felt so overwhelmed today. Everything is so awful and it's like I forgot where my own head was. I am so stressed out, yet too anxious to take my new anxiety medication.

see anxiety, you're not so big! it's all a bluff

i won today

Had a short day at work since it was a holiday and I technically wasn't supposed to come in, but I worked for a few hours then left. Had my usual bout of ruminating, but they're becoming so transient and common I don't even see the point in worrying about them too much.

What I did come in to talk about is some weird... revelation I had, sitting out here in the open air, listening to sad music and thinking. I'm just one person out of billions. I feel helpless, internally tormented almost daily; I indulge regularly in grandiose fantasies of someday being something great so I won't hurt anymore, or even simply being some strange and important character in life. I feel... different, dare I say special in my suffering. But others experience the same things, probably have the same feelings and fantasies. Lots of them do. On an intellectual level I knew I'm not unique in what I feel, but the feeling of distance and difference from others in general persists. It always has.

Maybe this is the special snowflake syndrome, the entitlement everyone talks about. The inescapable feeling of being the protagonist of one's internal story (but... isn't that accurate? It seems accurate for others, but suddenly so delusional for myself). And without it, there's no life...

Who am I? Surely I'm no beautiful, tortured soul, someone with valid reasons to be in pain. Nothing's ever happened to me, I'm just a born screwup compulsively victimizing herself. I'm not special but god do I wish I was. But even with such stark awareness can I keep feeling, keep having any kind of ambition or fantasy? Maybe that could be my character: someone driven mad by the anguish and shame of ordinariness.

I feel like I just wrote paragraphs and said nothing.

I am not really sure what to write. I've been feeling better since I started reading, posting, and chatting here last week. But I also feel kind of weird today. Maybe it's because it's a holiday. I went to the drugstore to get my meds and there was no traffic which doesn't feel right (for my city). And of course, the pharmacy at the drugstore was closed (which they didn't tell me they would be yesterday when I talked to them).

I'm living with my folks right now and my sister usually comes over for dinner on Sundays. These evening aren't easy because my mother is so old she can't follow a conversation anymore. And my Dad makes no effort to be social when he is with family. He remains largely silent when he is with any of us. (He does make an effort with people outside the family, though.) And my sister is always difficult to communicate with because she turns all conversations into a contest.

Still, I made it through the evening okay even if it was a little painful.

No plans for today other than just continue to participate here, read the paper and probably watch movies tonight.

I hope everyone is hanging in there.

--Ceara1010

Kinda in the middle. Feeling bored more than anything else. I just want something to do!

The pos downstairs has the sampled/karaoke crap up very loud. They usually make their lyrics very clear for me to hear but right now I don't hear any vocals. It's bad enough that he plays that crap so loud. Over 5 years of being subjected to his LOUD NOISE!

Wishing my ocd and anxiety would just let the depression take charge and let myself give into the darkness . I'm tired of the fight

Wow, I can't believe the good day I had. When I don't have to work I usually spend the whole day in bed...just so exhausted from pretending to be normal at work.

I woke up early and went for a bike ride this morning. Then I took my dog to a dog park that has a pool.and he got to play his little heart out, which he hasn't gotten to do in a long time. Then I finally touched up my roots which had grown out so bad that I had like an inch of black against blonde. Then I ran some errands and bought a shirt and a robe, plus I finally ordered a sofa for my apartment. Then when I got home I got the laundry going and did some cleaning in the kitchen plus I cleaned up the bathroom...you would never know I have severe chronic treatment resistant depression. I'm just gonna be thankful for a good day though. It's not often that I get them.

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An alright kind of day. Got together with my friend. He came to the area near where I live to shop a little. We were going to have lunch but the restaurants were over-filled. So we ate at where I live. It was nice having him at where I live. There are times I get the feeling that he doesn't seem too crazy about my place. I wish he didn't feel that way. I like it much better when he comes to my place than when I go to his place.

Shoot, I just realized that I meant to go to the movies today and I forgot. Hope the movie I want to see is still playing later on this week.

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My sleep has got a bit messy recently. It's 5am and I'm still wide awake so kind of resigned to the fact I won't be getting any sleep tonight... It's my own fault for stopping my meds a couple of weeks ago, but they were making me toooo sleepy! Why can't there be a happy medium? I either don't sleep at all or sleep too much. Oh well. At least I'm managing to read a book for the first time in a nearly a year!

My father died yesterday,when i found out i was shocked but nothing more than that.I feel that i`m too empty to be able to have normal emotions anymore..i don`t know if it`s due to the depression,anxiety or all the other stuff i have,but i feel like i`m no longer human.My sister,mother and a lot of other people cried but i just couldn`t,but i felt like they expected me to cry too..i don`t know what to do now because in an hour i have to go to work,and don`t know how to say to my boss that i need to take maybe a day off to get stuff done for the funeral.I just don`t know why and how i`ve become like this.

PS: sorry if it`s triggering.