Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

i've been doing okay today. (so my day wasn't exactly anything out the ordenary), but a good day for calmness

the friday feeling, as it were

now depression creeping back as evening aproaches..

I made it through the week after getting back from my vacation. I picked up my friend and his wife at the airport last night. They came in sooner than I thought. However, they both were sick with colds from the trip.

I worked out and it went OK. Tonight in the pool area, it was pretty bad. There are so many times I ask myself why do I want to stay at where I live. I'm afraid to make a move, but I feel like if I don't then I'll probably regret not moving. I want to at least live in a place with some halfway decent people before I pass away.

I'm still around.

I'm struggling today. Have a list of things to do yet I'm lying in bed. It's 11.25am & I can't get motivated to do any of them. I keep thinking I'm gonna start them in a minute, then I don't. My brain feels blank. I'll have to force myself soon cos when my husband gets home he's not going to be happy nothing's done & my daughter deserves my help with her homework & I promised her I'd bake a cake with her this weekend. Why do I feel so overwhelmed by just normal things? Need to force myself out of bed.

I sleep just fine - 7-8 hours easily every night, sometimes with a sleep aid when I feel particularly bad. And I have a pretty good body clock too; otherwise I lean toward hypersomnia anyway. Maybe my problem is that I don't do anything, everyday is mostly the same, so one day might as well any other.

Stable, but very low on energy. Feel like sleeping all day.

i thought a lot about death today. (not about actually killing myself, but how nice it would feel when it finally happens)

almost scary thought

Very busy today. My friend called me and he's still very sick. He has a virus. It happened to him in the last few days of his trip in South Africa. I had a feeling that he should not have gone. When he called me, he didn't sound very good. I probably won't see him in church tomorrow. I suggested that he shouldn't go because he does not seem that well.

Lately I feel like I've been in a real social slump. It seems like people are ostracizing me; especially at my complex at where I live. It's too bad I have to be in an environment like that. Also, I had a problem with getting audio from You Tube and other sites for music. I don't know what the problem is. I went to the store where I bought my laptop, and just said that there's a compatibility problem with Microsoft.

I had a panic attack the other day & ever since I've felt depressed.

It's sunny outside which usually lifts my spirits but the clouds inside my head are all I can see right now.

I doubt I'll move from the sofa today. I have some hope this is short term but I guess only time will tell...

i was dreading this morning, because i could see the briteness from my window and my heart filled with dread.. oh no please not a warm day

but when i walked in to the bathroom later and opened the window and felt the cold air hit me.. i was happy

not going to be a warm hot day after all

day was okay with not much depression

a little gutted that i couldn't have my mcdonalds, but i'm making up for that and ordering out a pizza

A fairly eventful day so far, even though it's early yet. Went to church this morning, but I left just shortly after the service. I didn't stay around long enough to chat with others. It seemed like no one wanted to talk to me. I had a talk with the pastor last week and he feels that I'm generally not comfortable with other people. It seemed like they were hanging out in cliques.

I called my friend after church. He would have been there if he felt better. He sounded a little bit better, but he's coughing a whole lot. I really miss him and hope that he gets better real soon. And then my sister called. We had a pretty good talk but she can be a bit depressing. She told me that I should not sell my condo unit and then end up renting; like I had planned. Well, maybe she's right but I am confused about this.

I feel my heart my soul my very being as a person get broken down little by little....

There are pieces i will never get back.

I don't know how much there is left of me.

I don't know who i am anymore.

Up and down today but that is somewhat of a misnomer since the ups consist of my anxiety taking over the lows.

Also started smoking again. It sucks things have gone from going well to bad so quickly.

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel lonely. I have lived a fairly isolated existence for the past few years, but it has never bothered me.

Now I am down it seems I have no-one I can truly turn to on an emotional level.

Full of rage; can't focus or think properly even though I'm supposed to be looking for work, it's all so hopeless.

Feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of another work week starting. Exercised this morning and that helped, but still feel anxiety and depression. Having a foot of snow on the ground and overcast skies don't help.

not feeling too bad.

had a rather positive day- catching up with some tv shows, emailing, listening to music and ordering a few emergency groceries (usually i order stuff wednesday, but i needed something for tea)

Not feeling very perky without my Ritalin.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's a grueling beginning of the week for me. I feel like I can't wait until Wednesday or Thursday. This morning I went to the doctor's office to the lab to have my blood drawn and urine sample. I have an annual check up with my doctor on Tuesday. I figured that I can get the test done early by going this morning. I went at 7AM and as it turned out, it was too early for me to do the test. So I guess I'll have to do it on Wednesday. Also, it's a 12 hour fast. I was disgusted that I couldn't be taken this morning when I made some efforts into getting it done. And then I had a lousy breakfast burrito when I got to work.

Pretty busy at work today. Also I've had to deal with an aching back. I was going to workout, but forget it! My friend is still under the weather since he got sick on that trip to South Africa. He's doing a little bit better, but seems to have a long way to go for full recovery. I miss him with the way he was.

The insomnia is really wearing me down

14 minutes to go. then I have to get up and face the world. my bed is where I hide and it's my curse. I hate what it stands for- depression, hopelessness, anxiety. but I crawl into it every day after work.

I'm so flipping tired of this crap.

Feeling under the weather on top of everything else now...

Although I went most of the day without any cigarettes it seems my slip up is fast turning into a relapse... it is just one battle I can't fight right now.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope...

Talked to my GP today but it is agreed I shall wait until my p-doc appointment that is coming up next week. Wish it was sooner.

Sick and hurt, browsing some stuff and found a review about a book explaining what "really" drives people - selfishness, fear, ignorance - and how anything "higher" should be disregarded as stupidity because evolutionarily, you won't last long by being brave or fearless (but, isn't the ability to go against that and consider a greater good outside oneself what makes it so...impressive? Because it's strange? And possibly bears self-centered status promises?).

If anything I came out disgusted, horrified, still idealistic, clinging harder if ever before. I've already felt like crap today, overthinking, writing stupid stuff, worrying. I think I need to just go home and sleep. I said that an hour ago and I'm still here writing.

Depression have been more a less fine. I have been trying to control my stress feelings and try not to desperate or procrastinate when I have something to do.
I guess I am in a more positive phase, trying to get me going. Still I am a bit worried about some work I have to finish tomorrow... And the time is always so sort, that I am never sure I can do everything I have to.

Good God, I have never felt so awful.

Most of it is physical: I'm sick, fatigued and have a stomachache. I didn't drag myself out of bed until 1pm.

But, I've also been trying to expand my online life...and it has me exactly as depressed as when I left. Seriously, two threads and I'm a mess of self-hatred and sadness. And I definitely don't want to read someone's suicidal posts about meaninglessness and happiness not being real - I've thought about it enough, and forgotten what I thought, and simply can't be bothered to die myself.

Pathetic, really. Maybe if I didn't feel like I was being twisted up form the inside out I'd be more stable. But right now, I just feel terrible, I want to either cry or throw up (or both). And if neither of those...maybe a hug?