Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Hugs

I feel your pain

Today was a good "up" day. I think tomorrow will be one too.

thank you (((hug)))

You're so welcome! ((hug))

I'm sinking. Ever day my disgust and discontent grows, the world just looks so ugly, everything so empty, not even worthwhile unless I'm hiding out in fantasy. I feel like that's all I can do, even if it makes me a coward.

I try to tell myself it's all perception, but positive thinking of even the slightest kind just seems so hollow most of the time. I know, deep down, it's possible to find little, beautiful, non-ugly or harmful things, but that takes so much effort is it even worth it?

I don't want to give in to this darkness, but I also feel compelled to, even though that feels wrong.

Today I am neither up nor down.Stable and on evens.
I was up at 7:30am and had breakfast,then hoovered thoroughly, round the bedroom into the corners and under the bed,the rest of the house upstairs and downstairs.I also change my duvet cover,sheets and pillowcase.By then it was 9:30am and the gardener turned up ,he cut the leylandi hedge and did the weeding for me out the front of the house,it took him an hour.We had a cup o tea and a chat then he left.

I let the cats in and had a snooze for an hour.I woke and rang my mum, we spoke for 20 minutes on the phone.i just had another cup of tea and a couple of donuts.There are no more donuts left cos I gave one to the gardener!

I am now on this forum and trying to rest.I still have that schizoaffective thing today of being tired and needing rest but being restless and agitated at the same time,so leaning towards a downer I suppose.

Apart from that a good day cos I got all the chores done and the gardener did his job too!That makes me happy when things I find really physically tiring to do get done.

I am just going to take it easy for the rest of the day!

I miss several people on the forum. The meds aren't helping much anymore, and my situation hasn't changed. I feel useless most of the time. Bf, apologized, sort of. I don't know how much I feel like staying in this, I'm not really any happier for it, it doesn't seem like he contributes much and we don't laugh or have fun. The alternative is completely being alone though.

Wow. I'm an idiot. Lack of motivation sucks. I am so lazy. And now I have left everything to the last minute and I'm stressing out. I cannot fit everything I need to do in the next 12 hours...especially as I'm exhausted and need sleep. Might as well just quit while I'm behind.

Well, I'm not irritated anymore. (Need to change my mood icon.)

As I mentioned yesterday in my long post (I should know better than to write those), one of my posts at PC disappeared and I didn't hear anything from a moderator as to what was wrong with it. And last night, another of my posts vanished and it's impossible that there could have been anything anyone would have found offensive in that one.

But I heard from the moderator I messaged about this, and it doesn't sound like any of the forum leaders deleted them. So, it may be a software glitch. I posted a message at the tech support forum to see if anyone has had the same problem.

I was upset about this because I'm a bit sensitive about triggering people. Sometimes I can misword things, and am also often misunderstood, which is common for people with ADD. So, I'm glad my post wasn't deleted because someone reported it. That would have been very discouraging as I am new here.

So, the dramas of yesterday are over with. Hope there aren't any today.

--Ceara1010

i still can't believe it's back to this, to being alone and unloved..

Excited that I get to go home early today but of course I have to wait on someone else's work to go home early. But the day is going by fast, so hopefully this project will come through soon and I can go home.

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My love is not good enough. Any guy I have had a crush on. Any guy that I've liked. Anyone I've loved .. or even wanted to love .. has made that perfectly clear. Nobody wants me. Nobody wants to touch me. Nobody .. my love isn't wanted. I'm not wanted. Oh of course, I've heard people say that someone will ..... but it never happens. Watch others find someone. Watch them cheat, be abusive, and they get another chance. And then another. And another. I can't even find someone to hold my hand. Can't find my first, ever, kiss. Nobody will try ... which says so much more than any cliche about waiting. Nobody will try, not even an internet relationship ... even here, nobody wants me ...

Hi, hope everyone is hanging in there.

I'm feeling somewhat anxious but less so than I was earlier today. I was previously embroiled in a couple of minor conflicts here (not of my making), but things have been ironed out.

One of the problems had to do with a thread where I posted. The tone there was getting really hostile towards the person who created the thread. And it was all mostly a misunderstanding. So, for the first time in my Internet life, I reported a thread to an Administrator, suggesting they shut it down. Thankfully, they did this. But reporting the situation felt really weird, probably because I'm a brand new member.

And the "mystery of my deleted post" has been solved. I was told my an Admin that if there had been a problem with the content, I would absolutely have been notified. Since I wasn't notified, there was no problem. That's great.

But not being able to resolves conflicts quickly can get me all stressed and anxious, and it can take me some time to calm down. So, I'm in the calming-down phase of all this. I guess they call this "self-soothing?"

--Ceara1010

I am still upset about the conflict I have with my neighbor,I get really pissed of with this woman cos she rides roughshod over other people and is rude and evasive.
I just don't like her either not her or her sister who she sends to butter me up whenever she wants me to cooperate.I refuse to speak to her I told her if she has got anything to say to put it in writing in a letter.

life-----> <------ me

A fairly busy day today at work. This was a short work week. It seems like lately at where I work, people seem to be in bad moods. A couple of weeks ago there was a message to all employees that the company is being taken over by another company. Perhaps that's why they are acting that way.

Yet what's really weird is that things at where I live seem to be improving a little bit. So maybe the trend might be that the work place is going downhill while my complex I live at is going uphill. For so long it's been that at where I live has been pretty bad and the work place has been pretty good. Lately it's going the opposite way.

I had a good day at work and felt really productive. I'm actually looking forward to Monday and all the projects I have on my desk. I feel like I'm at a place where I can do something with them. It helps that we've started summer hours so I get off early every day as long as I'm finishing my work.

I went to a NAMI meeting on Thursday and it was good but then I went to dinner with them and that was a mistake because they are all too disordered and watching their behavior was triggering to me. Especially the older women in the group because they reminded me of my grad mother and mother who were abusive towards me. I ended up paying my tab quickly then running outta there. At least I tried to make friends.

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After the run in with the neighbor yesterday and some poignant dreaming last night about the neighbor and my abusive narcissistic sister,I got up today feeling wary.I got woke by the tree company cutting down the offending neighbor's tree whose roots had damaged my drive.They cut it down without needing to access my drive.
Then the man I asked for a quote for to paint my windows came and assessed the work needs doing.I liked him and think he will do a good job I am just worried it will be a high price I can't afford.
Those things have left me anxious and worried today.I am fearful too.

More of a downer after an adrenlanine rush and that feels horrible.
I can't help but be anxious and I can't control this anxiety.
It is lunch time so maybe having a sandwich will settle my stomach and a glass of milk to calm me down!

I went to dinner last night to meet my boyfriend's friend. She was asking me how I got along with my parents, how it must be nice to be going to see all my relatives, and what did I do with most of my time. I am 52 and I am being interviewed and I think I look worse at being impressive than I did when I was a teenager. I have to remember what is important to me right now. I need to grieve for my dad. I need to keep my heart open for love. And I need to be gentle and celebrate being me.

new thread is here http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...ml#post5107285