[dexter]

Hi Everyone, I'm an old time forum member here, looks like the last time I logged in was in 2009. Glad tonight to discover my account is still active.

In 2004 or 2005 I was at the point of harming myself when I decided to call a hotline instead and ended up in a hospital program. I had a very rough year following that and was unable to work for a full year and couldn't even open my mail. I was finally able to come around and find a good job in 2005 where I have been working ever since. I had a short relapse where I entered a day program but my new job was understanding and held my position for me.

After a few years, I was able to successfully stop therapy and medications. I was feeling stable and the side effects of the medications were becoming a hindrance to my daily well being.

So for about 8 years I have been doing well, rarely feeling any of the effects of my depression--desire to isolate myself, insomnia with racing thoughts, suicidal ideation, inability to enjoy, crying jags--all well under control.

About a month ago the depression came back. It has been hard. I haven't been suicidal but I can't say that the thought scares me or that I haven't had some ideation.

I'm much more mindful than I was 10 years ago; at that time I didn't know what was happening to me. Now I have discussed this with some trusted friends, some coworkers, and my boss and manager, all of whom have been very supportive.

My biggest fear/problem is this... I know depression colors everything negatively and hopelessly so I try to take stock of all of the good things in my life. Yes, a good job, good friends. I had that 10 years ago (different job, which collapsed catastrophically when I became mentally ill). 10 years ago the biggest trigger to my depression revolved around a relationship, misunderstood, hopeful, well-meaning, but empty and a big misunderstanding on my part. I'd never found a soul mate, never found someone who I wanted to be close to who also wanted to be close to me. I thought I had found someone but I misread the situation. The excitement of thinking I found someone, dashed, made me understandably very unhappy but spiraled into something I could no longer deal with.

I learned to cope with that and to instead work on improving myself and my possibilities, being more outgoing, meeting more people. I'm gay so that in combination with my shyness makes it hard for me but I was trying my best.

And in the meantime, enjoying myself and my friends and hobbies. Considered that I might never find someone but that life could still be good for me.

Now I'm depressed again. I think it was triggered by many things; world events, loss of a friend, and maybe another personal heartbreak.

I'm trying to deal with it, as I said, talking to people, not isolating myself, I have a list of therapists who take my insurance who I plan to contact next week. But I've let everyone know that I do NOT want to be hospitalized again. Truthfully, although I've survived, I am no better off than I was 10 years ago... Yes lots of friends but no one as a love interest in my life and there hasn't been a single one in the intervening 10 years. I'm 10 years older, 10 years fatter, 10 years balder, and in 10 years worse health... diabetes and heart attack added to the arthritis that was part of my trigger 10 years ago. I'm no catch... 10 years ago I had low self-esteem but when I looked in the mirror I could imagine someone seeing a cute guy, now I find myself pretty repulsive.

So the idea of starting another 10 year cycle with a hospital stay, coming out to a recovery period (I doubt I'd be a year out of work as I would certainly be able to go back to my current job... I've discussed this privately with my boss) being on drugs that make me numb and impotent for a few years, coming out of it being another 10 years older. I am seriously having a hard time finding the point of that. Drugs and/or therapy to make me feel OK that after a lifetime of trying I still can't find someone to love who loves me back?

This is a long post Honestly I was doing very well over the holiday and over New Year's, and yesterday I felt like I was on a real even keel and maybe coming out of this. Today I felt good as well. But in the evening a wave of depression hit me really hard, I'm crying and unhappy, hopeless, and I just wish I had someone that I would want to call to come help me. I'm not really in harm's way for a hotline but I'm glad I found that this forum is still here, a place to express my fears.

No matter what I plan to follow up with a new therapist as soon as I can next week. The road after that is very uncertain for me.

Thanks

[baseline]

Hi Dexter, So glad you could open up about this and recognize what you need to do! That is half the battle in my opinion. I also suffer from depression although most people I know would not say that about me, I hide it well. When I'm bad I isolate until I am in control again. I take my meds, talk with T, and close friends, volunteer, work, etc. But when that depression strikes all coping skills go out the window. One thing I always try to remember is that it does eventually pass and I am grateful for what I have. Stay strong . Glad you found your way back!

[FallingTears]

Originally Posted by dexter

Hi Everyone, I'm an old time forum member here, looks like the last time I logged in was in 2009. Glad tonight to discover my account is still active.

In 2004 or 2005 I was at the point of harming myself when I decided to call a hotline instead and ended up in a hospital program. I had a very rough year following that and was unable to work for a full year and couldn't even open my mail. I was finally able to come around and find a good job in 2005 where I have been working ever since. I had a short relapse where I entered a day program but my new job was understanding and held my position for me.

After a few years, I was able to successfully stop therapy and medications. I was feeling stable and the side effects of the medications were becoming a hindrance to my daily well being.

So for about 8 years I have been doing well, rarely feeling any of the effects of my depression--desire to isolate myself, insomnia with racing thoughts, suicidal ideation, inability to enjoy, crying jags--all well under control.

About a month ago the depression came back. It has been hard. I haven't been suicidal but I can't say that the thought scares me or that I haven't had some ideation.

I'm much more mindful than I was 10 years ago; at that time I didn't know what was happening to me. Now I have discussed this with some trusted friends, some coworkers, and my boss and manager, all of whom have been very supportive.

My biggest fear/problem is this... I know depression colors everything negatively and hopelessly so I try to take stock of all of the good things in my life. Yes, a good job, good friends. I had that 10 years ago (different job, which collapsed catastrophically when I became mentally ill). 10 years ago the biggest trigger to my depression revolved around a relationship, misunderstood, hopeful, well-meaning, but empty and a big misunderstanding on my part. I'd never found a soul mate, never found someone who I wanted to be close to who also wanted to be close to me. I thought I had found someone but I misread the situation. The excitement of thinking I found someone, dashed, made me understandably very unhappy but spiraled into something I could no longer deal with.

I learned to cope with that and to instead work on improving myself and my possibilities, being more outgoing, meeting more people. I'm gay so that in combination with my shyness makes it hard for me but I was trying my best.

And in the meantime, enjoying myself and my friends and hobbies. Considered that I might never find someone but that life could still be good for me.

Now I'm depressed again. I think it was triggered by many things; world events, loss of a friend, and maybe another personal heartbreak.

I'm trying to deal with it, as I said, talking to people, not isolating myself, I have a list of therapists who take my insurance who I plan to contact next week. But I've let everyone know that I do NOT want to be hospitalized again. Truthfully, although I've survived, I am no better off than I was 10 years ago... Yes lots of friends but no one as a love interest in my life and there hasn't been a single one in the intervening 10 years. I'm 10 years older, 10 years fatter, 10 years balder, and in 10 years worse health... diabetes and heart attack added to the arthritis that was part of my trigger 10 years ago. I'm no catch... 10 years ago I had low self-esteem but when I looked in the mirror I could imagine someone seeing a cute guy, now I find myself pretty repulsive.

So the idea of starting another 10 year cycle with a hospital stay, coming out to a recovery period (I doubt I'd be a year out of work as I would certainly be able to go back to my current job... I've discussed this privately with my boss) being on drugs that make me numb and impotent for a few years, coming out of it being another 10 years older. I am seriously having a hard time finding the point of that. Drugs and/or therapy to make me feel OK that after a lifetime of trying I still can't find someone to love who loves me back?

This is a long post Honestly I was doing very well over the holiday and over New Year's, and yesterday I felt like I was on a real even keel and maybe coming out of this. Today I felt good as well. But in the evening a wave of depression hit me really hard, I'm crying and unhappy, hopeless, and I just wish I had someone that I would want to call to come help me. I'm not really in harm's way for a hotline but I'm glad I found that this forum is still here, a place to express my fears.

No matter what I plan to follow up with a new therapist as soon as I can next week. The road after that is very uncertain for me.

Thanks

Hi Dexter

Get that therapist and get back on the drugs that worked as soon as you can!!!
Depression sucks, as you know! The quicker u get on top of it the quicker you'll beat it....
You sound like you have a lot of caring people around you so lean on them and fight hard!
Regards

Falling Tears
PS: this is a big case of "do as I say not do as I do"

[dexter]

Originally Posted by FallingTears

PS: this is a big case of "do as I say not do as I do"

I know how that is FallingTears... I do the same. Hopefully sharing advice with others helps even when we are aware that we are having difficulty with that same advice.

I'm really reluctant to go on drugs again, nothing worked well enough to overlook the unhappiness that the side effects were causing me. However I'm all for going back into therapy and seeing where that leads. I'll try to keep an open mind. I think my recent triggers are pretty concrete so maybe some therapy and coping skills will help me find ways to deal with them.

Thank you FallingTears

[dexter]

Originally Posted by baseline

Hi Dexter, So glad you could open up about this and recognize what you need to do! That is half the battle in my opinion.

Thank you baseline. It is the other half of the battle that I'm worried about LOL.

Originally Posted by baseline

I also suffer from depression although most people I know would not say that about me, I hide it well. When I'm bad I isolate until I am in control again.

At least I think I'm doing better with that this time. I'm trying to force myself to interact at work and to talk to people about it.

This weekend, last night, because very rough and I withdrew. Glad I was able to come here for some support.

Originally Posted by baseline

Stay strong . Glad you found your way back!

Thank you, I'm working on it.

[dexter]

Yesterday when I rediscovered the forum I spent about an hour poking around trying to see if I could comment in support of anyone else. I was in such a bad state I found I couldn't post at all except for my own problem. I slept well last night and was able to offer some comments elsewhere this morning, so I think that's a good sign. Thanks everyone.

[dexter]

And yep I've let myself get triggered again so now I'm anxious, thoughts racing, exhausted yet sleepless, jealous, crying, and in tremendous pain. Have to get through to tomorrow but I'm worried that tomorrow at work might be worse. For all of the support there is also a huge trigger there that I've been trying to soften. Tomorrow I can call and make an appointment.

[Fuzzybear]

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by dexter

I know how that is FallingTears... I do the same. Hopefully sharing advice with others helps even when we are aware that we are having difficulty with that same advice.

I'm really reluctant to go on drugs again, nothing worked well enough to overlook the unhappiness that the side effects were causing me. However I'm all for going back into therapy and seeing where that leads. I'll try to keep an open mind. I think my recent triggers are pretty concrete so maybe some therapy and coping skills will help me find ways to deal with them.

Thank you FallingTears

There are a whole lot of newer antidepressants out there now. You may be able to find one that doesn't have unacceptable side effects. The fact that drugs helped before means they probably will again. Hope you find a therapist tomorrow

[dexter]

Thanks Kecanoe. I was told by a friend/fellow sufferer that the medications are all the same. When he shows me his new prescriptions they are all the same names I remember from 10 years ago. He has different symptoms than I do so maybe that's why he hasn't been able to take advantage of newer drugs... So it made me think nothing new is available. Still the idea of starting a whole new cycle of drugs is disheartening to me. I now take 13-15 prescriptions every day for my other health problems. Now the prospect of adding antidepressants back into the mix... I think it's more starting a whole new phase of lengthy trial and error. But I must try to keep an open mind. I don't feel like I have anything behind me to remember to give me hope for the future and nothing promising in the future itself to make the effort worthwhile.

I'll make an appointment tomorrow and let everyone know how it turns out. On Tuesday I see my rheumatologist about my arthritis medication too.

[dexter]

Morning was very rough going in. I had intended not to talk about my situation today but to instead just dive into work at my desk, but within 20 seconds I was broken up and discussing it with my manager. As the day went on things got better. My triggers there lessened as the day went on and I got more comfortable... Then exhaustion (I had anxiety most of last night) and weakness took over (my appetite totally gone, hadn't eaten anything all day). But these were understandable problems that were easy to cope with. I came home and was able to eat and I'm hoping (HOPING!) to sleep well tonight.)

I took a list of doctors to work, picked one, and tried to set up an appointment, his office must have been closed today but I left a voice message... So that is a step in the right direction, going to follow up with that tomorrow.

[AbbyNormal2]

Hi Dexter,
I was glad to see you make an appointment. I am newer to the board but an old companion of depression. I had a major set back this past year and it is awful when you're older and it feels like a never ending cycle. I wish I had known about this site years ago. I am like baseline in that I hide my depression from everyone. I am trying to find a group of people that I feel I can be myself. I am going to a meetup in my city for depression and anxiety. I also keep saying that I am going to take a yoga class but we'll see! If you bounced back before you can do it again. It just doesn't feel that way when you are in the pit. I wouldn't worry about your appearance. I personally do not look at what someone looks like. It truly is their character that matters. I know a lot of people say that, but it really is true. I wouldn't care if someone looked like a toad if they were kind to me and loved me unconditionally. I'll be looking to see how you're appointment goes. My meds were just changed yesterday, so as the youngins put it these days I am a little salty. My daughter just gave me that one last night. I am so hip.

[dexter]

The doctor I called never called me back. I had intended to follow up today but an appointment with another doctor this morning (for my arthritis) took the wind out of my sails and left me feeling down all day. Tonight I can't sleep again and I'm feeling unmotivated to get help after promissing several people (including here) that I would.

Thank you AbbyNormal2 (love the Young Frankenstein reference BTW) I just don't feel like trying anymore as what you describe has not been my experience. All of my kindness and personality only seems to garner me tons of friends never anyone that loves me after over 50 years of trying. Any attempts on my part have led to rejection or worse... Guys only interested in sex or worse interested in my money. (When they find out I don't have any their gone LOL). I'm not attracted to that many people in the first place which makes it even harder. I need to get to know someone really really well before I begin to develop a trust and some respect and then an attraction.

I came here because helping other people has helped me in the past but I'm finding it hard to post on other threads all I can do is whine about my own selfish situation and be negative.