[natefan87]

Hi everyone. I'm Nathan and I'm 28. I have lurked here before and have always been impressed with the kindheartedness this forum/support group seems to offer people who post on some of their most vulnerable thoughts, feelings and life-exerpeinces. So here I am.

I guess I'm depressed. It seems like my mood and general lack of well-being would align itself with diagnostic criteria of the disease. That said, I am not diagnosed as depressed. A few months ago I saw a nice MFT for one session (didn't pursue it further because [a] I self sabotage and probably don't really want to get better and [b] she informed me that through my insurance plan I would not be able to make ongoing appointments with her, and if I needed to see a therapist I could call and get whoever I would be placed with that week) and then about a month ago saw a Psychologist (once).

I hate when people asked me what "triggered" this feeling of depression. I'm not sure if anything triggered it. I have always had mental health issues, even as a kid. I often threatened to kill myself as a child and run away. Obviously I had childhood issues.

Some of my current feelings stem from the circumstance and a monumental frustration for me is: I have a college degree (a BA in psych!) and I work a 14 dollar an hour mindless job. I am fat and unhappy, and when I compare myself to 5, 6 years ago (a time when I was still in school and hopeful) I get insatiably frustrated. From those roots terrible thoughts arise ("I'm a loser." "I'll never amount to ****." and on and on).

I like identifying as depressed because I feel it makes me *not* crazy. I like talking about my mental health and feelings because I get power from it. It doesn't shame me in the slightest.

I could go on forever, and this doesn't even begin to illustrate everything about myself, but I hope I can start an ongoing discussion about this and try and see myself from a more objective stance. To anyone that took the time to read this I sincerely appreciate it.

Much love,
Nathan.

[doggiedo]

Sounds like you took a great step in seeing someone but I'm sorry to hear she wasn't in your insurance network. Could you make a goal to Look into other professionals who are on your network? From what you tell us, it does sound like depression. You deserve to know what it feels like tohave hold and to feel good about yourself. I know it's hard when you're in the thick of it, for example to find something good about yourself or something to look forward to. Can you look in the mirror and say one positive thing about your life or yourself?

I think sometimes people who work in the psych field (or in your case, in school) feel very deeply about things and are both empathetic and sensitive. But we sometimes aren't those things to ourselves. What if you had a friend or client come to you and tell you that s/he felt he was a loser, etc. what would be your advice for him/her?

Welcome to the forum and i encourage you to do some more digging and thinking and posting. You sound like a smart person going through some stuff. We are here to listen and support you.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Nathan,

Welcome to PC! I'm so glad you stopped lurking and joined in.

I agree with doggiedo, it would probably be worth persuing the therapy. It's scary to see just anyone, but you never know, you may get on.
I understand what you say about being ambivalent about recovery as people always prefer what they know, even if it's intolerable.

Maybe you can think how you would advise a dear friend and follow your advice? That would be a start in valuing yourself as the unique individual you are, with the same worth as any other, whatever your job.

People here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have.

Be kind to yourself, as best as you can,YOU REALLY DO DESERVE IT.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by natefan87

Hi everyone. I'm Nathan

I hate when people asked me what "triggered" this feeling of depression. I'm not sure if anything triggered it. I have always had mental health issues, even as a kid. I often threatened to kill myself as a child and run away. Obviously I had childhood issues.

First off hi Nathan. I can relate to where you are coming from. As I child I never "threatened" suicide, but did think about it every so often. I even thought of ways I could kill myself. I am now 35 and did not find out until last year, 2015 (yeah it still seems weird saying that), that was not "normal". I still think about it and suffer with depression as well. Like you I don't know what triggers it.

If it helps you to talk about it then I encourage you to talk about it. There are many people here that will listen. Take care of yourself.

[Fuzzybear]