When things were bad a while back, I promised myself I would dance at my son's wedding. On June 9, I did just that.

Since about the 1st of June I've been running on auto pilot. Numb, almost no emotion at all just doing......Going to and from the airport over and over, back and forth to hotel again and again, shoping for new washer and dryer, having w & d delivered, wedding rehersal, rehersal dinner, wedding, reception.......

I knew all the stress would finally get to me...it was just a mater of time. Woke up every day wondering if this would be the day. Trying to set mini goals just to keep on going. Trying to take care of myself... walking, eating, playing.

It's all just too much, I give up.

I'm tired but can't sleep (even with my little blue pills) Last night I woke up 5 times between 11 pm & 4 am when I finally got out of bed. Each time I woke up crying...tears were running down my face.

I can't tell anyone how I really feel....T, pdoc....because they'll throw my *** in the hospital. I won't go back. No more treatments!

What is so damn bad about the alternative.

I know, I know, I don't want to hurt my family...my kids, my grandkids are all super...I really don't want to cause them such sorrow.

but............................what about me?

[okiedokie]

Gosh, Keb, sounds like you're really suffering. I'm so sorry.

Well, what I can tell you about my experience of having been exactly in your shoes at one time, is that it will get better. If I had "opted out" when I felt like you feel now, I not only would have hurt all the people in my life that love me (like you've mentioned in yours), but I would have missed out on finding out what "happy" feels like, going back to college for another degree and succeeding, working in a profession I enjoy, etc.

My point is this: Get the help you need for how you're feeling now. You're not yourself and you shouldn't be making any life decisions right now. Sounds like you need a real rest.

I don't know what treatments you are referring to when you were in the hospital. Are you medication resistant? Are you on meds and they're not working? Well, as we all know, there are tons of meds out there to try and then different combinations of same.

Get the help you so richly deserve. Nobody is going to lock you up and throw away the key. Don't do that to yourself.

And finally, killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you've got a T, start by calling him/her.

Good luck to you, for sure. Please keep posting to let us know how you're doing and that you're getting the help you need to feel better.
Best,
Okie

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((keb)))))))))))))))))

sorry you are feeling worn out its time to think about you, if you need help please find it your family will suffer more if you let this get to you we are here to listen

[dreamrunner]

Keb,
I often feel on auto pilot too....just keep plugging away,numb,doing what I need to do.....function,thats it.
I think part of being a mom is putting the needs of others before ourselves,that is behaviour truly automatic.
In my times of clear thought however I also know that if I dont take care of myself Im really not "there" for my family anyways.
Dont put your needs on hold,do what you need to do for yourself......good luck

I give up!

I have "treatment resistant depression" which in a nut shell means.....nothing works (or insurance comp. won't pay for it).

30 different medications in the last ....4-6 years...tricyclics, SSRIs, SSNRI, MAOI, anti psychotics, anti convulsants.....

6 months of ECT treatments, 2-3 times a week.

Lost all memory of the past 23 years. What I'm able to recall is more like feelings rather than events.

VNS - ins. comp won't pay and device mfg says I'm not candidate because I'm suicidal.

Are there other options...probably...do I care?

I'm tired, discouraged and....
I just don't even want to try any more.

[katheryn]

Thanks, Katheryn

that is absolutely good news that you danced at his wedding.....xoxoxo pat

Its like a walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. . .

When I couldn't work anymore and became disabled we lost over 2/3 of our income. The only health insurance we have is with hubby's employer.

My hubby who doesn't take care of himself now has CHF, diabeates and kidneys are beginning to fail. He is on 12 different medications. We have to watch everything we eat......cholesteral, carbs, potassium.

Because of Charley, Jeanne, Francis and Wilma.....and Fema loans I owe more to the bank than the house is worth.
Also thanks to these nice storms my property taxes have almost doubled and insurance premiums are through the roof.

My roof is leaking and requires a new roof.....this will cost close to $20,000 because of special tiles required by HOA.
My kitchen floor is in such bad shape we have actually walked holes in the vinyl flooring.
The paint on the exterior of the house is chipping it's so old.
The stove and dish washer will probably quit any day now.

The IRS has decided we owe another 3000+ taxes for 2005

Have been turned over for collection by 3 Drs. and a hospital because I haven't finished paying them off and it's been 8 months now.

Guess I just needed to do some whining.

[katheryn]

you whine away as much as you like

(((((((((((((((keb)))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((keb))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

so sorry you feel so bad. i wish i could take some of your pain away, i relate to the depression. know we love and care for you here and look forward to seeing your name. sending you warm, loving cuddles and my hand to hold when you need it.

love you keb, always so caring to others.

jinnyannxoxoxoxoxo sending healing thoughts to your hubby too.

keb, we love and care for you so much. your name brightens up pc forums. sendong healing vibes to you and your husband, look after yourself, love, jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((keb)))))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are feeling bad. Know that i and many more are here for you! As you are the frog and a friend!
Where would we be with out you! How many times have you gave me kleenxe............here my friend have a case back...........

[dreamrunner]

Im sorry Keb that your feeling so low.

I wish I could help somehow.

((((((((((katheryn)))))))))))

((((((((((okiedokie))))))))))

((((((((((fayerody))))))))))

((((((((((jinnyann))))))))))

((((((((((muffy)))))))))))

((((((((((dreamrunner))))))))))

Thank you all for your kindness

it's okay to whine here. i'm sorry for your troubles.....am thinking of you. xoxox

The days are endless......nothing seems to matter,
alone.....lonely,
never ending.

The sadness is constant....no joy, no happiness
A smile is but a fleating memory,
Shadows of despair lurk everywhere

When will it end?
..........Soon

[meander]

((((keb))))

I hope you find happiness soon....

[bipolar_bear]

there really are better days. I hope you find them very soon. I am thinking of you. Please take care.

BB

Thanks Meander and Bipolar Bear

((((((((((Meander))))))))))

((((((((((Bipolar Bear))))))))))