[ToeJam]

Crisis house was a disaster and led to a disassociation state by which I attempted to take my life (twice, once in there and once a day or so after). Wife went ballistic when she found out what had happened and is causing all manner of stink in terms of complaints and advising those who have been supporting me long term through these times.

I'm not a happy bunny to be back on a ward... for the past two weeks those around me (along with myself) have been trying to keep me out but, these things happen :/

The ward in particular is very different to what I've experienced prior to this - I have my own room with it's own toilet and shower... so on the + side, it's nice and quiet... on the - side however, not much interaction with others nor staff. The latter bit is double edged as in some ways I'm quite grateful not to have to communicate all that much... I really need the space (and safety) to try to clear up the muddle my brain is in right now.

[Nammu]

The ward sounds like a much better placement than before. There's only been one hospital I been in that had individual rooms. It was so much safer for me emotionally because I could retreat from the noise. Depending on levels they had people doing 15 minute checks which was intrusive but I understood why. It was much better when I was on 2hour checks but then I was almost ready to go home and they let me go on limited off floor outings by myself. Loved that place as far as hospitals went, great understanding staff. I hope this ward has that too. Do they understand how your non verbal communication goes?

[Alone & confused]

I hope all goes well for you!

[Pierro]

It is safer that you are in hospital at the moment, and I understand fully the importance of having space for yourself. That will make a difference . It's very hard on your wife but she will be more at ease now , you being in hospital. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. *hugs*

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My last stay was also at a hospital with individual rooms. There were few activities to do so no real encouragement to connect. It was probaly two weeks before I really did so. The hospital before that had both shared rooms and constant activities. I met and hit it off with other patients right off the bat. Not sure why two hosptals would be so different in methodology. [interestingly the stay at the 'busier' ward was only a week where as the one lacking avtivity was 8wks]

I gather you are just recently arrived so still 'fresh' on the ward. I suspect you will find one or more people to talk with.

Now, the real matter for me is your spouse. That is no way to offer support. But I ask, what kind of supports are there for her? Is she in comunication with your healthcare team. Does the hospital have a support group or information session to attend. It was encouraging to me to see my father striking up conversation with other support persons. I think it was really helpful - especially this last time when I worried he had grown tired of yet another crisis.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( TJ )))))))))))

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Crisis house was a disaster and led to a disassociation state...

No need to share details here; I'm concerned you and your "team" understand or are attempting to understand how - environment, events, meds, physiology, etc. - you got into that state.

[TheOriginalMe]

Take care and hope you feel better soon.

Hey TJ, how are you doing?

[ToeJam]

Thank you for the posts of support. Having a rough time at the moment, for the last two days I've been on level 1 observations (somebody is by my side constantly including sleep and toilet to ensure I stay safe... I had agreed to it as my impulsivity on Tuesday night was pretty bad). Had the pin pulled due to me once today as well which was slight ott and embarrassing (pulling pin = a member of staff believes a situation is more than they can handle so they pull a pin from a device on a key ring which sounds an alarm and then staff on the ward and other wards come running to assist... Very intimidating... Especially when it's lots of burly blokes (men))... And threatened with seclusion room and clothing (stripped down to ensure I can't harm myself).



Been a hard day, worn down, overwhelmed and struggling with confusion.

[waterknob1234]

Hi TJ. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am hoping things will be better for you soon.

Sorry to hear you are in hospital. Hope you are feeling much better soon

[ToeJam]

In an awkward position. Not sure how to word this as it's going to sound convoluted no matter how I put it: I'm back on level 2 observations (checked every 10 mins rather than having someone with me 24/7) on strict provisions that I had to agree to. I'm still currently an informal patient but I think that were I to try and discharge myself that would change... Anyway, I digress... Were I to break the agreement, causing serious harm to myself, I would be sectioned and put under secluded nursing.

It's strange talking about this in such a matter of fact way as how I feel right now is confused... It's all so transient, I am having moments of calmness and during those times I am mingling with some of the other patients... One has kind of adopted me as her uncle despite being 15 years my senior (she is so frightened being here at the moment)... But at other times I am feeling very impulsively suicidal that I am closeting myself away... I dare not say anything to the nursing staff in case they over react... But by that very rational I know I am presenting more of a danger to myself.

Particularly nervous about tomorrow as my mum is coming to visit... I love my mum and she tries her hardest to be supportive... But there is always a kind of underlying tension when she comes... That I need to ensure her mind is at rest when she sees me... This takes a lot out of me while in hospital.

Off on a complete tangent a newly qualified nurse was talking to me about self harm today and I could see her cringe when she realised (in relation to Sui intent) that though she was advising me places to avoid for general self harm, she'd inadvertently educated me at the same time.

Sorry, as said... All a bit convoluted and I am having a rough time right now.

[Clara22]

Hope visits went well today. Sending you a hug

I'm wishing all the best for you TJ...

"Just keep swimming"...

[ToeJam]

Will make this relatively brief as I'm in a communal area on my lap top right now... but sunday to this morning has been hell:

Without going into detail I essentially had an irrational moment that put the ward on high alert (harm to myself, not others)... resulted in all of my possessions being taken away, including clothes (stripped under observation) and given seclusion gowns to wear... was allowed to stay in my room but was essentially left there for 48 hours with very little in the way of human contact... been one of the scariest, loneliest and upsetting (ashamed to say I cried a lot) moments of my life.

Still feeling a bit scarred from it despite being able to talk my way out of further isolation and lack of items.

Got my ward round on Friday and then the 1st of 2 ADHD assessments on Monday.

My wife only found out what had happened the last few days after I reluctantly allowed one of the nurses to bring her up to speed... if anything I want to shield those I love from what I'm going through right now.

Hey TJ, how are you doing? How was your assessment?

[Happy pills]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Had the pin pulled due to me once today as well which was slight ott and embarrassing (pulling pin = a member of staff believes a situation is more than they can handle so they pull a pin from a device on a key ring which sounds an alarm and then staff on the ward and other wards come running to assist...

Yes I remember it well, pulling the pin brings a small gang of nurses and then they give you a good kicking, oh sorry that was the police.

How are you doing now can I ask?

Hope that you're ok.

[Rohag]

Thinking of you, TJ...

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( TJ )))))))) Thinking of you

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope you are better soon.

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[StarGazingFish]

i really sympathise with you-i had a very similar experience in a UK ward.
i was locked up in an acute mental ward for a very bad round of paranoid schizophrenia,they set the alarm off regulary and i was jumped on constantly.
i was highly sedated with meds and i was locked up with my own nurse sat in the room,they coudnt cope with me and i was transfered to a acute learning [intelectual] disability hospital miles away. i was pinned down by the police for twenty hours in total.
the LD hospital was worse,i now suffer from severe sciatica thanks to all the restraint.

i hope your experience isnt as rough as mine, you need to be well and they will let you out in the near future,i was in hospital for four months because of my behavior.
if your not well,dont pretend to be well-you deserve the support.

if you feel stable enough,ask for a section 17 [i think thats what it was called] its where you can go out, you coud arrange a visit to a shop,a burger bar etc,im assuming youve been sectioned though if not,you dont need a section 17.
a nurse or two nurses [depending on your risk] may have to go with you.

Originally Posted by Happy pills

Yes I remember it well, pulling the pin brings a small gang of nurses and then they give you a good kicking, oh sorry that was the police.

How are you doing now can I ask?

I've actually found the cops to be more respectful.

TJ, please give us a sign you're still there? Even if you just post a smiley..

[ToeJam]

Sorry that I've been so quiet... If anything I guess I've just closed up shop in a manner of speaking. Sorry if I repeat myself... But here as an informal patient but been told on numerous and separate occasions that if I push for discharge, they will section me.

Trigger warning re self harm - due to feeling trapped I have been excessively self harming as my main grounding technique... But it's got to a dangerous level and the temptation to go that one step further has been almost impossible to resist.

Tonight I was incredibly close... And ironically without my knowledge they had changed my observations from 15 mins to once an hour... I'm on 10 min obs as I type once they'd discovered how close things were to walking in on me not me... I was in tears... I had tried to approach staff leading up to the incident but I just became mute and unable to articulate my panic as the intensity grew stronger... One member of staff was actually quite stern with me at first due to the lack of words and just offered a patient request medication as a solution to all problems... I screamed in frustration, returned to my room and went into meltdown.

Once I had semi-calmed down I resorted to calling the crisis team (who as a rule will only talk to those on their books)... I explained that I didn't know what else to do.... That I was feeling unsafe on the ward, that I had injured myself excessively... And then I just started to cry. They told me to demand to speak to the nurse again and in the process of doing so they must have called the ward to ask what the hell was going on, since the nurse came out with a different and slightly more compationate response.

Technically I am being escorted to an off ward occupational therapy session this morning... And I am tempted to just shake the escort and go home... Could be risky but like I said I don't feel safe here... So I'd rather feel unsafe in a familiar place with my dog that in a place I feel nothing but isolation and inconsistent care.

Which leads to one of the big upsets off the week - I was moved wards on Wednesday after spending three weeks slowly adapting and sussing out the first ward I was on (aspergers = change and lack of continuity is very very hard to deal with/accept)... The consultant of the previous ward 'told' me I was being moved... Yet when I came to this ward I discovered that as a non sectioned patient I actually had a choice to decline... Been so upset and worn down... I had been accepted by some of the patients on the prior ward and that had encouraged me to come out of my room more... In short (and this may sound silly since I'm 6'2 and 85kg) they formed a protective bubble around me as they became aware of my noise acuity issues and lack of general awareness to when situations that I might have been caught in the cross fire occurred... Suddenly I'm on a new ward, isolated in my room and irrespective of being a risk to myself... I just want to go home