Ok, yeah, in hospital... again :/

That says so much.

TJ

Well following on from the Monday morning incident, I had to be taken down to a&e for my wounds to be properly treated. It has been a big wake up call to how bad my self harming has become and as such 'I' have decided to take affirmative action towards curbing that part of my issues.

I had ward round today and was very forthright with what I needed for my own self care... Thankfully I had mental health proffesionals who have known me a long time there.. Who in turn were able to 1. Give their professional opinion based upon observation and 2. Reword confusing statements from the hospital staff that added to my frustration (at one point I exclaimed: no one is :expletive: listening to me!)

It was negotiated to the following:

My requests: 15 min observations (they targeted this to the evenings when I struggle the most)
Initially I wanted to be ward based for at least a week but it was negotiated to during the day I am to access activities in hospital grounds... The last bit was my no budge area... I want to avoid any childish impulsive temptation to purchase supplies needed for self harm... So staying on hospital grounds would minimise this risk.

Their demands: that I try to engage more on the ward and access the communal area (this is a big ask since noise stimulus is a big problem for me)

That I speak to staff when I start getting impulsive and that I am honest and upfront about any improvised tools created for self harm (I actually handed in such items tonight 'before' using them... Which was a big step for me).

It is to be reviewed after 48 hours to see if it's having a positive impact (I was a bit wary of this and needed one of my longer standing support members to explain 'review' does not mean stop)

So anyway... My mood is still very low, I still feel and acknowledge that I am at a heightened risk to myself... And I'm attempting to quit what has up to now been a coping and grounding technique that has gotten out of hand.

Going to try and get myself discharged this Tuesday (ward round appointment), wife will back me up on certain conditions we've made.

One thing that has been irritating me lately (and I guess it's male pride) is that a number of staff and those close to me have been referring to me as a vulnerable person; mainly due to the aspergers, impulsivity and that I am very effected (mood wise) by the mood and words of others.

It feels important to type this out as perhaps I am in denial of it... I know I fight it hard (I endeavour to be self reliant and can be assertive and stubborn where necessary)... Is odd how others perceive you though which you yourself cannot see.

Hey TJ, I really hope it goes well for you today, I really do. I know what you mean about people having a different perception than you do about yourself. I was like " Are they really talking about a different person, other than me", but what you have to remember to that hospital can be triggering in so many ways, you dont have the comforts that you do at home, you can't of course, but that to me was the worst thing of all. Being in a place that was alien to me..as it is to everyone of course. Keep in touch.
Best wishes.

I am not sure you are on denial. I am a person with disabilities and I am called vulnerable, too, and I do not like it, either.

Self harming isn't the problem.. it's a way of trying to cope. In hospital perhaps you will find a better, safe way, to cope with life. Praying for you right now You can do this.

Wishing you success in getting discharged. I've been concerned the hospitalisation's pros and cons have been getting a bit heavy on the con side. I recognise I'm looking at your situation from a great distance, though.

Besides, dogs > doctors.

How are you today Toejam? - vital

Damn right! Sadie did make me grin on Sunday (wife brought her to the hospital and we had a walk around the grounds)... Just before it was time to leave and my wife's dad was due to pick them up in his car, she found the biggest and muddiest puddle she could find and dived in with a roll and everything. I graceshously relinquished her over for the ride home, heh.

A bit nervous, 2am at the moment, got my ward round at 4:30pm today and I don't know how it will go. I want out of hospital and up to now I have maintained a calm state... Mostly to wait out the penance. However, not 100% sure how 'safe' I would be once I got home right now as the deep routed feelings are still there... I just don't have the means to act upon them at present.

Good luck with the ward round!

How did it go, ToeJam?

Hard to explain really they (my wife, ot and consultant) seemed under the impression things were going well but I had that unsettled niggling feeling that some point was being badly overlooked.

Today was like a massive bite in the arse and I have been 'struggling' excessively including si, intent and just loosing faith in everything and everyone around me.

Sorry for being glum, just very confused and upset.

There is another lad on the ward with aspergers, though unlike me (I have ways to deal with over stimulus moments) kickes off a lot... Sometimes I wish I could just give in to that side of me... But I feel such shame afterwards that it's counterproductive.

I take it from that you haven't been discharged as you had hoped? I hope things start looking up for you soon! Don't give in, you can beat this

Good luck, sweetheart!

Still in hospital, scheduled discharge date is the 21st

I agree, it is strange and sometimes alienating.

I enjoy reading your postings on psychcentral; I find them to be smart, funny, kind and helpful. I am so sorry you are going through all this. Hoping you get respite soon.

Hey TJ,

It's great that you have a discharge date, even if it's two and a half weeks away. I was thinking, if you want you could try asking if you can go home on weekends until your discharge? That's often done around here, to 'practice' being home.

Hang in there, TJ. I hope things improve for you soon.

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(((((((((( TJ )))))))))))

I hear you about the massive "bite" in the ***, I received one of those very recently IRL.
(for sure stuff is and has been badly overlooked...and confused but I do not trust the "remnant" ) sorry if this is cryptic, its so hard to trust (the professionals) IRL

Hey TJ, how are you doing?

Hey TJ, how are you? Do you think you're ready to go home?

Hey TJ, I hope you read this. I hope you're well or at least well-ish and I want to wish you a merry Christmas.

Yes, wishing you as Merry a Christmas as possible, TJ!