[guiltier65]

I know that this struggle brings it ups and downs, but I am slipping down so quickly. I just want to sleep.
As I shared previously, my cousin died last week of lung cancer and none of my other family thought to call me until the fight was nearly done. Her funeral was this weekend but I was unable to attend. I feel so hurt and alone. I didn't get to say goodbye.
and I hurt.....
I am sleeping more, wanting to drink to escape the hurt for a while.
My best friend at work has been suspended/fired and that just brings more hurt and lonliness. I don't know how to cope with the pain. Please help me. I need answers.

[Lanadelle]

Sounds like your family was trying to protect you from more negative emotions.... Depression is exhausting.... I find I have to really push myself hard to get things done...
Try and get therapy...what makes me feel good is being around people I trust ... If I don't trust a circle of people... My depression worsens....my anxiety intensifies... Hang in there

[guiltier65]

I do see a therapist. and he is helpful, but i jsut couldn't let go of all the pain when I was talking to him the other day. Unfortunately my cousins weren't trying to protect me, the truth is that I am merely an afterthought.

[Frankbtl]

Hi guiltier,

I'm sorry I missed you sharing that........I'm so sorry for your loss, my condolences
And I'm guessing that on top of how you were feeling before, and your feelings about your loss, you're feeling a sense of alienation from your family too
You would hope that families could pull together, and support each other at times like this, but obviously it doesn't always happen that way...........
But........you mentioned the not saying goodbye to her, goodbye's never have to follow any kind of format e.g. at a funeral, at............they can be/are very personal, so you can still do that in your own way..........a way that might be meaningful to you and her
Might be letting of a balloon with a personal message about/how you felt about her, might be writing a special poem, might be throwing a bottle with a message into the sea, might be planting a rose/bush/tree somewhere in her memory, might be donating something to charity, might be spending time at the graveside/where her ashes are scattered reminiscing/talking about fond memories, might be about helping someone on her behalf, might be doing some voluntary work on her behalf..............and whatever you do you can spend some time before/during/after to send some thoughts out there about her..............so however you found out please don't let that impact on how you recall her and the warmth/comfort in knowing her may give you
And I know it must be really hard without your friend supporting you, but don't forget that we're here if you need/want to talk.........sometimes talking can help.........

Alison

[guiltier65]

Thanks Alison,
I know you're right about not letting my hurt over the way I found out color my memories of my cousin. I just feel like everything is falling in on me at once. I'm really struggling not to drink and escape all of the pain.

[Frankbtl]

Hi guiltier,

I know you're probably WAY MORE knowledgeable on what may help a little for you personally..........I know you've struggled/found ways through A LOT.........and I know that sometimes it can be REALLY hard whatever you do.........but maybe finding different ways to let out that pain could help a bit (??)............maybe writing, maybe music, maybe crying, maybe going for a walk (escaping the isolation).........
But any way you can keep yourself "safe" as well, right now, hey?
For example if there are any meetings going on soon, and Al-Anon do some on-line too, re-doing/re-visiting some of "The Steps", keeping yourself as far away as possible from any drink...........
And, although it may not help much, you've said it exactly yourself, you do have SO MUCH going on for you , but you know that some of this will pass, will ease.........so about doing all you can to push through one day (or one hour!!) at a time. And you/I know you have incredible strength to have resisted drinking as well as you have.
Plus..........you DO have us on here as well

Alison