[Taonuviel]

I feel like I'm getting pushed along this self-destructive route, by I don't know what, and I don't really understand why. Like, I'm trying to think, "Why do I feel like hurting myself, cutting?" but I don't really have an answer. Maybe it's triggered by the cuts I saw on a guy's arm today... can't imagine his are self-inflicted... but it makes me want it. I'm in a very trigger-prone state lately, I guess.
What I really hate is that I'm stuck here. I can't hurt everyone... all these people who see the illusion of worth in me... I hate it. I really don't want to try anything anymore, it all takes too much effort, and I don't believe anything will help. Never has before. Medicine made me numb, counsellors didn't get it. Besides, this is who I am. Wretched mess.
Just keep getting worse. My stomach's giving me major protest to my eating (lack thereof)/over-exersize habits of late, but I can't give that up, because I feel terrible about myself, and worse when I eat. Ate a real meal today, and feel horrible about it.
And I feel horrible around people. I'd like to start excluding myself, but that'd only draw attention now, went asking for help I know I'll never find, and yeah, it feels good to have someone know and want to help, but nothing's going to help. Now I just have people who will notice if I'm not there and make it a point to find out why. Not that I want to be totally alone, anyway, but I feel so crappy around people, or with any attention directed towards me. I hate who I am so bad... and I obsess on deadly things.
I want release, but I can't cry. And to bleed... that's a step too far... I can't let myself do that... probably be too tempted to move to the veins. There's nothing for it, I guess. Except dark music... which makes me calm, but can't imagine it's healthy.
Life's too difficult, and complicated.

[SeptemberMorn]

Tao, have you been diagnosed? Sounds like you might have several things going against you. I can't imagine a psychologist not understanding your problems. Maybe you were going to a dud?

Please try again to help yourself. Sounds like you are in a torturous emotional situation. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

I felt kinda good today... I fit in my jeans again... not exactly for the best reasons... but it feels good. Still have a long way to go, though. Of course, then I just go on to notice how the river's at flood stage and how easy it'd be to run on the walk alongside it and "accidentally" end up in it. I think my job gives me too much time to think.
No, never been diagnosed. Getting a diagnosis has never been mentioned to me, I thought of it a couple months ago, but I'm really not willing to step out looking for professional help on my own. Lately I've been going to people I feel I can trust, and I think I'd go to a professional if they mentioned it... I just don't know though. I live with my parents, and my mom makes it difficult, 3 years ago I went to a counsellor with my pastor's support, but mom got to my emotions so much I felt entirely hopeless and made a less-than-lethal attempt. It's not that she tries to mess with me like that, or doesn't want me to be ok, it's just part of her own problems. The counselling wasn't really helping anyway, though. Talked with a social worker a while last year, but I never felt ok with her. Maybe I need to try seeing a guy... don't feel comfortable with many women, but that would bring a lot of awkward problems with my mom again. It's way too much of an emotional hassle... more likely to hurt than anything, because I'd probably end up extremely angry and frustrated with her so I don't care if it'd hurt her and make a better-planned attempt - which is the state I was in when I made the other attempt. Don't really have any options.

[Rapunzel]

Please give it another try. You may not feel like you want to, but if you didn't want to get better, and have some hope that you could, you wouldn't have asked for help. It often takes more than one try to find the right counselor, the right medication, the right treatment, but there is something out there that will work for you. It doesn't have to stay that bad. I was there, and I didn't think that things would ever get better either, but they did. I found a therapist who understood me, at least some of the time. I use St. John's Wort, and it doesn't make me numb. Sometimes it makes me a little bit manic, but I don't mind that.

I understand hurting yourself and feeling like you don't even deserve to eat. But that's the disease talking. It isn't the real you. You are a good person. You haven't done anything so bad as to deserve to be hated. People care about you, and I'm glad that you have told someone that you need help. Please accept that help and their caring, and keep trying. It will get better.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>