[dexter]

Last week I thought I was doing better. Made some calls to get help, wasn't able to make it in to work all week but was feeling better about getting back there.

Didn't make it in first two days this week but made it in on Wednesday and today. Exhausted and emotionally drained. Can't say I feel "worse than ever" but I don't feel good.

Last week the suicidal thoughts had gone away but today they are back.

A few weeks ago the last call I made to a potential therapist... Didn't even get so far as to see if he would take my insurance... He thought my work was too far from his office (25 minute drive) and predicted I would have trouble commuting to his office for therapy and therefore refused to see me.

It took all this time for me to regroup and get my energy back to try again. I was able to get a nurse practitioner through my insurance who helped me look up some services to call that take my insurance.

First call has three offices, the office near me does NOT take my insurance. The only therapist in the group that takes my insurance is in the office an hour and a half away from me.

Strike one.

Second call, leave a message, they never call me back. Strike two.

Third call, leave a message. I hit the ball! They call me back and ask about why I'm calling. I explain I've been trying to find a therapist since December and they ask why. I tell my story including the guy who said I worked too far away. Woman on the phone says that that's horrible! I agree.

I give her my insurance info and she says she'll check with her billing department who is run but a very good employee, to see if they take my insurance.

She assures me she will call me back.

Never calls me back.

Pop fly, caught, strike three, out.

I was already hoping they would not call me back because I'm now just too tired to every start therapy to try. Been reading here about allowing time for therapy and medication to work. I feel like I'm past the point where I even want to try any more. I just want to get used to feeling this way, being in pain, and battling suicidal thoughts all day.

[dexter]

Jeez can't even stay put in chat tonight. Going to try to go to bed instead. Maybe I can get some sleep.

Dexter, sometimes a church locally has a minister that you can talk to for free! No insurance or billing, FREE! and they can give you some one on one encouragement. I did that once and it really made a difference for me. I know what you mean about chat. Sometimes we have to be nice to ourselves and take care of ourselves for a change. When i don't know what to do i sleep. It always seems to work for me, i waked refreshed. (((hugs)))Dexter... Omega

[SamJam24]

Hi Dexter,

I'm so sorry that you feel as though you're succumbing to your depression, I've been there myself and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I do wish I could offer you a hand to hold and to help, the fact that you're still trekking on and attempting to touch base with a therapist says a lot. Keep trekking, I promise with time it will get better. Slowly, but surely it will!

You're doing great already, even if it doesn't seem that way. Setting very small goals and achieving them is a huge deal and you should be proud of yourself for putting forth the effort.

Do you have someone who could possibly help you with the "secretarial" side of lining up a therapist?


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[dexter]

I'm so tired and so up-and-down that at this point I think that although I'm not suicidal now, if that were to change over a weekend I would just jump on the opportunity.

I do now have someone helping with finding a therapist but that hasn't been fruitful either. I'm at the point where I want to start making excuses to reject candidates, I don't even want to drag myself to one anymore.

Church/religious isn't going to do it for me. I had a very bad experience at my local synagogue several years ago. I've got lots of encouragement from friends (and on here) and have been talking a lot but the bottom line is I'm in a huge amount of pain, a good percentage of it I know is distortion from depression, but a good portion of it is stuff from outside of my symptoms, stuff I've been working on diligently for 10 years outside of depression, with no improvement or solutions... So the idea of spending a few years now fighting this depression with therapy and meds or no meds or hospitalization or no hospitalization and try some different meds and side effects... Starting that whole roller coaster ride just to get back to the point where I'm not depressed but still alone and not happy... Isn't something I want to pursue. The only way I've been getting up the energy to try to find a therapist is to try to put aside how unhappy I've been with my life in spite of trying to make change. When I've got all of this in my head... the practical stuff along with the depression... I don't even want to try.

[dexter]

Couldn't handle work today I just walked out. Told them I was going to get something to eat but I came home instead to clear my head and I think I'm just going to wait and go back in to finish up my day's work after everyone is gone.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Dexter ))))))))

[dexter]

Worried I might not be able to go in to work on Monday or all next week. I was out all last week and a few days this week... Because the week before ended badly.

[dexter]

An aquaintence went missing earlier this week, a member of a club to which I belong. She disappeared mid week when she didn't show up to pick up her son from school. Her husband and all her friends were frantic. They found her alive and OK in her car in a parking lot in the next state. I have no idea what happened as I only followed the story on social media and I don't know the family well.

But all I can think of is that the police were alerted within a few hours or sooner of her disappearance and it was spread all over social media.

If I did something literally no one would know until I missed work. Work would notice very quickly and I'm sure it would spread to friends and social media pretty quickly. But other than work no one would notice probably for weeks.

All I would have to do is take a vacation for a week and no one would notice until I didn't return the following week. Even better since they know what is going on I only have to tell them I am going into the hospital and that they wouldn't be able to get in touch with me until I was out. I wouldn't have anyone looking for my car and no set return date and no one would suspect I was gone for probably a few weeks.

[winter4me]

If it doesn't get better soon don't hesitate to go to the ER if you must to see someone.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
What you describe is incredibly stressful (seeking help, getting poor/inconsistent responses) even if you are not in pain....
Keep posting. Stay safe. Glad you do have supportive friends.
Would a real vacation be of any help/possible? (change of scene...)

[dexter]

Thank you everyone. I made it back to work for 3 hours alone there. Coming home I thought about driving my car straight into traffic without stopping--this is something I would NEVER EVER do, I would never risk hurting someone else or even giving someone else the guilt of being an unwitting participant in my suicide--but is is a part of the ideation running through my head and makes me think I might be getting farther from ideation and closer to practicality.

I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. At least a week there then several weeks adjusting to new meds then years of trying to find a new balance. Absolutely not in my game plan. I was willing to give therapy a try. Was planning on trying to keep an open mind if therapy lead me toward new antidepressants, but no hospital. To go to hospital for only because I haven't been able to find a therapist is too way low down on the scale to even consider.

I made it through the week of work but just barely. And having to leave today probably disqualifies me from "making it through the week" since technically I did not. While I was there alone tonight I had thoughts of trashing the desk of another coworker. (Again something I would NEVER do... In this case I'd never get away with it, I was the only one in the building)

I keep telling people that I might check into the hospital but honestly that is only to cover in case I do it. I admitted that only to the close friends I visited a few weeks ago and here on PC. I was thinking of telling them at work again that I might check into ER but every time I do that I think I am closer to ending it so being able to leave without that disclaimer is a sort of victory for me.

Don't want to go on vacation alone or stay home alone and remember how alone I am. In spring/summer I spend vacation time with the club I'm in and there at least there are other people. In some ways that's worse. It was at an event with this club that my symptoms first reappeared (like gangbusters) but they were triggered by something that happened the day before with the guy who triggers me at work, the guy who's desk I wanted to trash today. There is something seriously wrong with me.