Life changes and bleak thoughts

This won't be one of my usual lengthy rambles. Just some sad thoughts I need to get out, perhaps talk.

Today I got hired for a job. I also have a freelancing offer in need of a reply once I have all the necessary documents. My life is looking up, and it terrifies me.

I have this vision of myself in 6 months to a year or more, working, paying off my debts, doing things on the side to self-improve, maybe starting to chase some ambitions or goals - and it's all empty. I see myself accomplishing everything I wanted but getting no joy from it. And no, I'm not talking about existential, death-renders-all-meaningless sense of emptiness. I've ceased to care much for that; it's a non-issue to human happiness, I think. What I fear, what I imagine, is simply feeling nothing within myself. Like, "I did everything I wanted, got everything I wanted, now what?" Feeling numb and bored.

Okay, maybe there's still a little existential depression in there. I'm envisioning myself mindlessly working, or shallowly interacting and feeling on every level that it's all so empty and pointless. I've only experienced that in short bursts, and I'm terrified of going back and deeper. For whatever reason I already see life, my future life, as just pointless, empty drudgery that might look good and do good things, but ultimately gives me no pleasure or fulfillment. And why live through that?

A few times in the past couple months I had a thought, that I would chase my desires with gusto, and then, when I reached that point of contentment, accomplished everything I want, I'd kill myself. If I got everything I could get out of life, why not?

It seems dumb to be thinking about this before even my first day at work, when paying my debts and self-perfecting are so far off, relatively. Maybe it's the food messing with my brain, I've been an eating machine for the last week. But...help? I hate feeling this way. I shouldn't be looking at impending success with such despair.

With what I have to say for myself, I wonder if it's similar to what you are talking about? I am nearing 60 years old now. Lately, I feel that my life is just running it's course. I'm feeling like there's no reason to try to have goals; such as getting a better job, trying to make more friends, finding a new love in my life, and other things. That does scare me. I feel like I don't have much ambition to improve myself.

I want my life to be better than it is now. But I'm feeling lost and clueless as to know what to do or how to go about it. In my younger days, I had just gone out to take risks to be happier. And it did work!

I find now that making friends is difficult now at my age and also making a job change seems impossible. The only thing I have to look forward to later on in my life is selling my condo and getting fairly good money for it. But what happens after that?

I do have dreadful thoughts when I get up in the mornings and sometimes during the days. I'm feeling that there will be more doctor visits as my health may decline. It seems like there's just no real thrills to look forward to.

Read the Power of Now BT Ekhart Tolle.

Thank you, the there's one big difference: I'm turning 22 in about three months. And I already feel like life, my life, is just empty, pointless, and a lot of wasted time. Like my goals are inherently empty, since they won't lead to anything, then will all just disappear once I'm dead.

Guess I'm more bothered than I thought.

I tried to think up what it is I want. What I would need to say "that's it?":

I would need to be intelligent and rational enough to never feel threatened by smarter people (rather, to be considered one of them)
I would need to be thin and attractive enough to not loathe my appearance.
Have all my health problems cleared up.
Have successfully created the persona I always wanted, being charming and not socially awkward.
Eat strictly enough and exercise hard enough to not self-reproach at the mention of other's regimens.
Be self-sufficient and debt-free.
Have a comfortable place to live, a wardrobe of clothes I like, and enough food I like.
Have a set of principles up to my own standards that I do not falter from.
Maybe some kind of power position somewhere.

Sounds like a lot, and honestly I think some of these are a bit impossible...but even so, seeing as all of these are ends in themselves, even if I could be smart, pretty, and principled enough, it would just be a hollow goal since I would have no interests or experiences in which to exercise these traits. Smarts don't mean much if you don't even care enough about anything to derive pleasure from contemplation; looks and charm are kind of useless if you never interact with anyone.

It did occur to me that maybe while pursuing these things, I could encounter new ideas and experiences that could inspire more fulfilling goals. But...how can I know that?

If I had a passion in life that could make all the difference. If I could do, and wanted to do, something a little greater than myself, and had some relevant idea of what it is. But I don't. All I have is myself, and some ego ideals, and zero idea of what to do with myself.