[Missingoutonmylife]

Background: I was sexually abused by a family member at 5, physically abused from age 6-14 or 15, and physically and emotionally abused from 20-27. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, and was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder when I was 18 and hospitalized for about 30 days, but not medicated.
When I was 21 or 22, I sought medication and am now 37 and have tried Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Celexa, Lamictal, and Zoloft, in various combinations and dosages, along with Klonopin and Ativan for my anxiety. For the last year and a half, I have been smoking marijuana, as well. I have 2 young children (5 and 3), and am a stay at home mom while my husband works 60-80 hour weeks as a software programmer. I am in therapy now, as well. I am exhausted, and in pain all day, every day, and can barely manage to keep my kitchen clean, let alone any other rooms of my house because of it. I look around and don't even know where to begin and know that it's never going to end, so I do nothing. Lately, I have realized that I am drowning in my responsibilities. I really don't know how to approach this with my Psychiatrist because I have been telling her that all is well for several visits, and I think that she will think I am faking for meds. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Missingoutonmylife; I see this is your first post... so... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I've had the problem you describe as far as telling my pdoc (& therapist too... when I had one) how I'm really doing. No matter how bad I felt, when I got into their offices I just couldn't do anything but smile & say everything's fine. Of course that's what I've always done with everyone else I've ever had in my life as well. So it just comes naturally. In fact, I doubt I'd know how to do differently.

One thing you could do, if you just can't bring yourself to verbalize how you're feeling is to write it down & take this with you to you appointment. Sometimes it's just easier to put one's thoughts down on paper when one is alone (assuming you ever get any alone time... but you know what I mean...)

I'm no longer on psych med's. I have been in the past. But they just never seemed to do that much good. And they always made me groggy. If you're on psych med's now, it's possible they are at least partly responsible for how you feel. I've never used marijuana. So I don't know what effect that has on a person. Personally I'm not convinced that psych med's really do that much good for those of us who have struggled with mental health issues throughout life.

This is probably pretty unrealisitic, but it sounds to me as though, to some extent, perhaps what you need most is a break. With your husband working 60 to 80 hours a week, you pretty-much have complete & total responsibility for keeping up your home & caring for your kids. If there were some way you could begin to get out on your own a bit, that might help, be it perhaps a part-time job, volunteer work, a support group, or something else... just to give you a break.

Another more clinical possibility might be to attend a partial hospital program. Something of this nature might be a good idea since you're having such a difficult time presently. Of course, you'd have to arrange for child care. But the opportunity to get out into the world on your own for a bit might be really helpful. I wish you well...

I would start by telling my therapist the truth. Therapist are smart and can know what you fake and what you are not.

Can you make baby steps in doing stuff? Sometime, I see my kitchen sink is full, I would think I don't have energy to do that. But when I start the energy starts flowing and I will finish without realizing it. I don't have to do all things the same day.

Does your depression affect your relationship with your children?

[elevatedsoul]

hi....
well, dont know where to start...
but i have always heavily self medicated... it helps - but its not a solution, it wont solve any problems.... need to try to find a good, a REALLLY GOOOD therapist... you can talk to... they will help so much - if you can have ag ood one... you can discuss whats going on... why things make you feel the way they do.. and talk about ways to handle those situations... how to face certain circumstances....
i believe in self medication - if done properly... is just that its rarely ever done in a good way... i know i dont do it good... i cant - i am in too much pain to be trusted self medicating... and i know it... just cant stop it... just try to control it as much as possible...
i know i dont handle myself well ... and i wish things could be differentl.... maybe things can get better one day - just need to keep trying until that day....

i smoke weed too, it helps so much... alot of people think that its just another drug that makes someone a drug addict... but its really not the same as other drugs in my opinion.... its so much safer than any pain pills... any anti-psychotics... or anti-depressants... it helps a great deal... to relieve pain, some of the anxiety... suffering... the only problem is that it doesn't solve anything.... it doesnt fix the reason why you want to do it in the first place... not a real solution you know... and i love weed so much - because its something that helps... so much.... if i smoke - i probably wont do other stupid things... if i dont have any way to smoke - my mind races and i end up doing stupid things that really do hurt me physically... self harm or whatever...

like you said you had these traumas... and these things cause alot of problems...
i have alot of traumas... but i know that with therapy - is the best thing... to try to work through those problems, because you can do it... you just need the propper profesionalhelp.... i want the help too - i am just not able to get a therapist at the moment... so just try say stay away from anything else... avoid alcohol... if you choose to smoke a little - try to do it in the right light... jus to take the edge off... because it cant fix it.. it wont you know... because iys psychological.... it help but cant fix it.... is just like a little nerve pill or pain pill to make it a little better for just a little time...
i know all about it....
i know how you feel... if you want to talk more about it just post more - or i can do a PM... is fine with me...

sorry you feel like you aredrowning... i know how drowning feels... as its one of my traumas...

[Missingoutonmylife]

I, too, am one who responds "I'm great" whenever I am asked how I am... I feel like people never want to hear the real answer... Right now, I take Lamictal, Zoloft, and Ativan when needed... I do have a great psychologist, who I see weekly and he know, to some extent how I feel... My relationship with my kids does suffer as I have little patience, and am so tired, anxiety ridden, and in pain that I want to stay home most of the time. At this point, getting a part time job is out of the question because of my husband's job, lack of childcare, and only having about 6 hours of availability during the week. Personal time for me is from 9pm to whenever I fall asleep, so it's pretty non-existent. I have been so exhausted that I literally fell asleep while sitting up, in the middle of folding a pillowcase. Smoking does help me a lot in that it allows my mind to think about my issues more rationally, takes away my social anxiety, allows me to get at least some housework done, be intimate/romantic with my husband, and gives me the patience that my children deserve. I know it's just a bandaid, but so are the antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. Thank you both for your kind replies and and advice!

[Missingoutonmylife]

Thank you all for your replies. I had a long post written, but I think it was eaten

No, it's just that you're under moderation because you're new, so, your messages won't appear unless approved. After 5 posts (I think) you're good to go.

I see you are doing your best of what you have. Good for you. Keep fighting. Just try to keep your children in the picture. Hope you'll feel better