[dexter]

Hope this is OK I want to talk about some suicide fears. But want to assure everyone that I am feeling OK and even starting to feel better. Also don't want this to put fears into someone else...

I am aware that some people commit suicide soon after beginning treatment on medication, and I think that in at least some circumstances this might be because in the depth of depression we consider suicide but don't have the energy to act on it. If meds make us begin to feel better, we might have our energy ramp up before the idea that suicide is a solution subsides.

My own experience with depression in the past bears this out as a reasonable idea. During my CURRENT bout with depression, this has been on my mind, I have been in so much pain and struggling to get myself out of bed and to work (failing on many days and just staying in bed instead) and I've realized that while in some ways I could take credit for keeping myself alive in other ways I was simply too lazy/tired/despondent to take any action. Sometimes it feels like a fine line.

After several frustrating months I finally have a therapist who seems to be helping, it may be too early to tell if he can help me but I think just getting into regular therapy sessions with someone who seems like he can help me has given me some strength and some hope and has taken the constant suicidal thoughts away.

This is a huge relief and I don't know if it is temporary, also there are two other factors at play that are helping this; one is some new support from some good friends that I'm sure will continue to be a source of strength for me, the other is a temporary trigger that could turn from positive to negative on a dime.

Where I find myself now is at a point where I am no longer thinking of suicide, but I'm also still sort of protected by the suicidal shelter I've built, but that I will now have to emerge from (I know not immediately, it will be one step at a time) and return to work and face people and still deal with the problems and triggers that brought me here. They all still exist and they are all still very real. I'm still very much aging and alone (my incident with pneumonia yesterday lit that up for me. To be honest I don't think I was safe to drive to the doctor feeling a bit dizzy but there is no one around to help me) and that will continue to be an issue. It was one of my concerns going in to this and it is still a concern.

So today and yesterday I find myself on the edge of emerging from the suicidal darkness of depression and heading straight into panic and fear of how am I going to deal with all of this, all of these things, without the crutch of suicide which was the only thing making it bearable before?

I had to cancel my therapist appointment today because of the pneumonia but hopefully I will be seeing him next week and can discuss this with him. I'm still feeling the intense desire to isolate myself and I don't know how I'll be able to focus and function at work.

Dexter! You seem to miss the protection that was in knowing that if things became worse, you could end it all. Something inside of you must have let the suicidal thoughts go away. In some way or other you seem to be ready to fight for a better life and that scares you ...

Is it possible to see this decision as a decision that could be done in a lot of other situations, like going for an exam, entering a boxing ring, starting to do a long swim that you have decided to do or something else that will demand a lot of you?

If so, it's natural to feel some anxiety. The way I see it, we will always feel anxious when we have decided to manage something and at the same time understand that it will be difficult. You have decided to trust that you yourself can be able to make your life better with the support of a T and some friends. You are mature enough to know that you also will react to some triggers. That can of course be frightening in itself ...

Please try to see your anxiety as a natural consequence and find some tools to calm it down. Some sort of relaxation exercises might be of help. Other tools can be to write down the triggers and make a plan for how to cope.

Best wishes!

[IrisBloom]

I think I understand you. If you remove the "safety net" of self termination, that leaves...a big nothing. IMO it's natural to have a fear of the unknown future, even if it looks positive.
I think it's also natural to have a fear of aging and not knowing what or who will be there if the worst happens. I recently took steps about this issue myself. (Taking care of my future, not sui.) I want to live. I want to be part of my family and friends futures. I want to watch all of my grandkids and future grandkids grow up. I don't mind suffering a little and having normal life stresses, but...sometimes.........the future seems like something I don't want to stick around for.

[dexter]

Thank you both for reading and for your suggestions and understanding. I know that was a long post. I am going to have to rely on some friends and coworkers and people here for some strength. That part at least does not scare me.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

I think I understand you. If you remove the "safety net" of self termination, that leaves...a big nothing. IMO it's natural to have a fear of the unknown future, even if it looks positive.
I think it's also natural to have a fear of aging and not knowing what or who will be there if the worst happens. I recently took steps about this issue myself. (Taking care of my future, not sui.) I want to live. I want to be part of my family and friends futures. I want to watch all of my grandkids and future grandkids grow up. I don't mind suffering a little and having normal life stresses, but...sometimes.........the future seems like something I don't want to stick around for.

the bolded, red part. Me. Now. Not being able to bear another minute of living with the sword of Damocles poised above my head, I had the "what will become of me?" conversation with the only member of my family that I trust not to abandon me and they said they'd take care of me if/when it comes to that.

I was so relieved I thought I was going to pass out.

Of course, relating the conversation to a friend last night I realized for the first time how my destiny may - in the final analysis - all come down to this one person, my family member - and that scared me all over again. What if something happens to them? Then what?

Dexter, I hope that your family/friends give you the assurance that I can understand you may need. It's difficult to come out of the shadows - we're safe there (albeit isolated, lonely and sad). The sun, while brilliantly beautiful, can burn until we adjust.

[dexter]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

the bolded, red part. Me. Now. Not being able to bear another minute of living with the sword of Damocles poised above my head, I had the "what will become of me?" conversation with the only member of my family that I trust not to abandon me and they said they'd take care of me if/when it comes to that.

I was so relieved I thought I was going to pass out.

Of course, relating the conversation to a friend last night I realized for the first time how my destiny may - in the final analysis - all come down to this one person, my family member - and that scared me all over again. What if something happens to them? Then what?

Dexter, I hope that your family/friends give you the assurance that I can understand you may need. It's difficult to come out of the shadows - we're safe there (albeit isolated, lonely and sad). The sun, while brilliantly beautiful, can burn until we adjust.

There are so many irrational fears that come along with depression but not all of them are irrational. My first bout with depression was full of irrational nonsense and lies that my brain made up and when I recovered from the depression I tried to do my best to create a solid life for myself. I think I failed at that and only the rational fears remained... and this bout of depression has exposed them all.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by dexter

There are so many irrational fears that come along with depression but not all of them are irrational. My first bout with depression was full of irrational nonsense and lies that my brain made up and when I recovered from the depression I tried to do my best to create a solid life for myself. I think I failed at that and only the rational fears remained... and this bout of depression has exposed them all.

You're absolutely correct: not ALL of the fears are irrational. Some are dead-to-rights real and they're scary as heck. Hoping you and I and anyone else facing these big bad's finds the support that they need. It's awful to feel all alone in this world.