[Taonuviel]

Met with my pastor today. It's frustrating, and it's always been this way, that whenever I'm there, talking with him, I can't think of anything wrong. Things feel ok, I start to doubt myself, wonder why I ever felt down and needed to talk. Usually don't get anywhere and only waste his time, really. Few hours later, I'm as down as ever, probably usually worse, because I feel crappy about not saying anything earlier.
Today was no different, except that I mentioned that thought - how everything seems fine when I'm there but it's just as bad a couple hours later. He agreed with that, and gave me what I think is the first appropriate/useful piece of homework I've ever had - to identify as they come and write out 3 destructive thought patterns, trace them a couple steps in, then backtrack and try to identify what's really true.
So this afternoon I started listing all these negative thought patterns - which I believe are true - and then I got distracted. Started writing out what's been going on inside my head the last 4 weeks. Now this I'm kinda afraid to let loose of. It includes how I contacted people other than him because I wasn't sure about going to him with it (which is pretty dumb on my part), my frequent suicidal thoughts/ready-made plans, (lack-of)eating/over-exercise habits, and the growing urge to SI again. Feels like a lot to just give someone - plus it'd ruin my "accidental" suicide idea, although I suppose that wouldn't be a bad thing... but still. Shouldn't matter to me, because I'm not suicidal. Just kinda like having that option there.
I guess I'm probably going to end up giving him this. Don't know how he'll react... my guess is he'll get gun-shy and find a T to refer me to. Heh. But I guess it might be good to let it out. Can't really hurt anything.

[Taonuviel]

Well, gave him the letter tonight. Much longer than what he actually asked for. Feeling pretty anxious and dumb about it. I don't know when he'll read it, had sealed it in an envelope, and gave it to him in passing. But I guess Sunday we'll talk about a time to meet next week. Of course, I'm feeling very avoidant about this and anything to do with life, and would rather take drastic measures to prevent facing anything, but (unfortunately) that's not an option right now.
So... I'm feeling like crap. Doesn't help I ate a lot today. Binged on cookies, of all things. Everything was high-carb today. So lazy and unproductive, but maybe it's intentional subconsciously - if I don't get my schoolwork done for it's July date and miss all those credits I may just kill myself. Yeah, sounds like subconscious motive. But maybe I'll be able to get it done... well, dunno about those papers. Ugh, I hate papers. Hate school, for that matter, but I suppose that'd figure since I hate living in general.
But I'm just getting worse sitting here thinking about things, so I guess I'll stop before I get myself in a really upset mood over not being able to end it.

[dexter]

I think that was a great step to write it out, and even better that you were able to follow through and give it to him. It sounds like he cares and has some good ideas... which is a valuable combination.

Please try to be honest with him about your thoughts of suicide. The path to feeling better has to be a fully honest one, for your own sake. It might be good for you to take that "safety hatch" away. Don't think of it as loosing a safe place, think of it as replacing it with a much better safe place, one that is healthier for you and is a better solution. If things get really bad instead of turning inward in desperation now you have someone you can go to without having to explain yourself.

Good luck with this. If he does recommend a counselor I think that would be a good idea, and stay in touch with him as well.

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