[Humpty Dumpty]

I am so ashamed of my depression and suicidal ideation. I have a hard time talking about it to people. I do a "good enough" job of hiding it. I recently applied for a job and they asked if I had any disabilities. At first I was like No then I saw major depression was listed as a disability. So I marked yes. I'm worried if I get an interview they will ask me about what my disability is since it isn't "obvious".
I know I should probably goto to therapy but I don't know what I want to accomplish. So what's the point in going? I'm ashamed that I'm so depressed and I have nothing to be depressed about. I just want to die. I have thought about calling the suicide hotline many times, but in the end I didn't. What's the point? There's nothing they can do for me.

[elevatedsoul]

you say you have nothing to be depressed about...
thats not true... we feel that way a lot...
we blame ourselves and belittle ourselves...
the truth is when the world is so full of pain and misery, suffering and hatred...
i don't see how anyone could not be depressed...
we didn't ask for this ailment... this perspective of life...
but we have to try to live with it and make it better because its the cards we were dealt...
some people don't understand depression at all...
some people are really understanding and nonjudgemental...
some people want to help us...
and some people think that we just dont want to help ourselves...

all we can do is do the best that we can do...
take care of ourselves and try to get to a better place...
learn to recognize the genuine people that understand and want to help...
utilize their support...
try to avoid the toxic ones that think we are just wallowing in self pity - choosing to feel miserable...
we don't have to justify any of these things to anyone...

its easy to feel ashamed... i know i do, i want to be better... but because i am like this, i am stronger than most people... and you are stronger too... its just hard to see our strengths because of this dense fog of depression... blocking view of all positive aspects of ourselves...

try to be kind to yourself... you dont have to feel ashamed of something we didnt ask for or cause...
it would be as if a child born blind should feel ashamed...
or a child born with Cerebral palsy ...

we are just afflicted with a mental condition that affects all aspects of our mental functions... we can work to get better, some people can get rid of depression all together, some of us just have to work to feel a little better.. i try to make the best of everything that i can - and when i start to feel shame i try to remind myself that i am not choosing this... something that i truly doo feel ashamed of is my scars, when i see what i have done to myself (and continue to do for some reason..) i think to myself this is something that i can control... something that i am choosing to do... why am i doing that? that is my shame

dont feel ashamed... you are a beautiful person...

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I am so ashamed of my depression and suicidal ideation. I have a hard time talking about it to people. I do a "good enough" job of hiding it. I recently applied for a job and they asked if I had any disabilities. At first I was like No then I saw major depression was listed as a disability. So I marked yes. I'm worried if I get an interview they will ask me about what my disability is since it isn't "obvious".
I know I should probably goto to therapy but I don't know what I want to accomplish. So what's the point in going? I'm ashamed that I'm so depressed and I have nothing to be depressed about. I just want to die. I have thought about calling the suicide hotline many times, but in the end I didn't. What's the point? There's nothing they can do for me.

((((( humpty dumpty))))

[qwerty68]

Would you be ashamed of cancer or epilepsy? I am not proud of my mental illnesses of course, but I am not ashamed and you shouldn't be. It is rough enough without being saddled with shame.

I am always cautious about my conditions, not from shame but because how others can react. Especially when applying for jobs. Mental illness still has a stigma attached and it is really hard for people who don't have it to understand. People with non-mental-health disabilities normally don't get the same reaction from people that hire, even though the law prohibits discrimination of all disabilities. Of course, if you don't, you could lose the job because you are slower than the other people and they won't know why. It is a double edged sword.

I almost lost a job 15 years ago because I didn't disclose my mental illnesses and I was perceived as a slacker even though I went home totally exhausted every night. Luckily, the manager was understanding once I did disclose it.

I know exactly what you mean, right down to your reasons for not wanting to go to a therapist. When I think about it, all I can respond to myself about it is: "No words are going to change how much I suck". "No words are going to give me energy and the ability to live a normal life". So I don't see a therapist.

I know I am wrong, I know I should go see one but I can't get past myself. Nothing changes, except things get worse. I wish I could tell you the secret in moving forward, but I don't know it.

[elevatedsoul]

moving forward... dunno how to make progress... but i just try not to sit still...

i often think about driving at night, how we cant see but a short distance in front of us with the lights.. but it doesnt matter as we know our destination... doesnt matter if we can see the path... just as long as we know we keep reminding ourselves that we will get there... my destination is recovery...

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

Would you be ashamed of cancer or epilepsy?

I would probably be ashamed of epilepsy if I had it. Don't take that to mean that I would be look down on others that have it.
As strange as it sounds I would rather people think I have a drug problem rather than know what I am actually dealing with. I have a bad tremor in my right foot and hand that makes my whole leg & arm shake. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to get a hair cut and the stylist asks you to stop shaking. I guess it goes back to a man should always be in control of his emotions.

[elevatedsoul]

i try to avoid any of those "expectations"
because people have created such stereotypes that are just ridiculous...

like guys cant have emotions and are supposed to be solid and tough, never cry, blablabla...

i know for one that i am 100% guy, i am 100% straight and i still have emotions, i cry, i feel sad, i have a feminine side

its all bologna - a woman has a masculine side as well as a man has a feminine side...
dont adhere to those stereotypes

[dexter]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I am so ashamed of my depression and suicidal ideation.
I know I should probably goto to therapy but I don't know what I want to accomplish. So what's the point in going? I'm ashamed that I'm so depressed and I have nothing to be depressed about.

Hello Humpty I hope you are able to find some help for your struggling. Many here (including myself) share and understand the feelings you describe and I can say a lot of what you said resonated with me.

I think you should try therapy if you can. I understand you don't know what you want to accomplish but the first reason to go can be for someone to help you discover what you might accomplish. There is no shame in going into therapy without a clear goal and hopefully they can help you with that and help you to not be ashamed of this illness.

You should not be ashamed that you have nothing to be depressed about... That is the nature of this illness for many people---including myself... Mine was set off by a trigger but has persisted long after the trigger left, leaving me in dark hole with no discernable reason. That's what this incidious illness does to us, and it also makes us feel ashamed and unworthy of help and empty of hope. But help is out there please try to pursue it.

And do not be ashamed to call a hotline if you feel you need it... That is what they are there for.

[Fuzzybear]