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#1
Mar 19, 2016, 02:16 AM
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I don't punch the wall until my fists bleed because I want attention. I don't make myself bleed because I think it'll make me feel better. I do it simply because I deserve it. I deserve every ounce of pain I can bring onto myself. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. I deserve it. All of it. All of the pain and suffering both physically and emotionally. I deserve every second of my hell. My pain is my punishment.
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 emijec
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#2
Mar 19, 2016, 05:19 AM
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Hi So leigheas,
I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, it sounds like you're hurting a lot inside  So do you think you could talk a bit about why you feel you deserve so much pain...........?? Maybe between us we can find some different perspectives on how you feel about yourself........... Alison |
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#3
Mar 19, 2016, 09:00 AM
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No you don't deserve pain, physical or emotional. What makes you think you deserve all this pain?? Do you have a therapist ?
Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk |
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#4
Mar 19, 2016, 07:05 PM
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why do you think you deserve it...?
sometimes i feel like i deserve it... like maybe i did a lot of horrible things in another life... or maybe the things i have done in this life are really horrible... but even then i dont think that we deserve to feel like this... pain is supposed to be a signal that something is wrong... not a normal signal that we should feel all the time...
__________________
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#5
Mar 20, 2016, 03:10 AM
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To be honest, being in pain is all I know. I haven't been without injury or hardship longer than a few weeks time. Pain is so normal for me. I've never known what it was like to have it easy. I was taking care of a kid at age twelve. Having to be my siblings parent. Having to be the leader of the household. Having to have cancer at age 18 and keep it together for the sake of my family. Pretend nothing was wrong and act like I didn't hurt inside so that they would feel inspired to be happy regardless. Having to have PTSD only two years later and do the exact same thing. There has to be a reason all this **** has happened. There has to be a reason that my mom hit me when I was a kid and my dad repeatedly calling me a stupid worthless low life (at age ten). There has to be a reason some guy thought he could do whatever he wanted to me and got away with it. There has to be a reason I've been through all of this. Simple, I deserve it. Apparently, every bad thought I've ever had and every single sin I've ever committed has repercussions. Every little ****ing mess up I had, had to be punished. I had to face what I had done. I only deserve consequences when I've done something wrong.
I know how ridiculous this must sound but it's how I think and I don't know why. It's hard to change my outlook. |
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#6
Mar 20, 2016, 03:12 AM
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#7
Mar 20, 2016, 03:14 AM
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#8
Mar 20, 2016, 10:58 AM
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no, none of us are ever enough in our own minds. That is the battle we wage. To be better, to be enough. so we begin the endless striving to be like others, to be enough in their eyes. we have to learn to love ourselves and our uniqueness. to become whole enough to function within our pain. I am still learning each day and each moment to love and to care about myself and still care for others. it is a journey.
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#9
Mar 20, 2016, 12:02 PM
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Hi So leigheas,
I'd say that the reason your mom and dad behaved that way towards you indicated a (BIG!!!) fault with them, not with you And although it's completely understandable that your instinct might be to look inside yourself for the reason, the blame/fault is entirely theirs. Abuse is never warranted You deserved better than them, but it wasn't your fault And it sounds like you've had so much to cope with following on from that, with maybe little help to work through those things.............I'd say that you're doing exactly the right thing in looking for a new therapist now though, with the right support maybe some of the pain can ease for you. You didn't ask for/deserve any of the things that have happened to you and you do deserve help in working through them and the effects of those things. Alison |
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#10
Mar 20, 2016, 01:25 PM
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im sorry you had to go through all of that... you really ddid not deserve any of that... i know that it can make you feel like its your fault... but you were a child and it was their responsibility, not yours...
i wrote a lot more but im not going to post it because i dont want to upset you or say something wrong... its really really hard dealing with ptsd and you really dont deserve it... try to be gentle with yourself... pain is a constant for me too and its the only thing i know to be real as well...  
__________________
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#11
Mar 20, 2016, 10:09 PM
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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