Broken, no hope

Hi Dexter,
I apologize in advance if I am saying a stupid thing but in romance we need practice like many other things. Our capacity to engage in romance improves with the time. I know it is painful and that it is easier for some people than other. Sorry if my comment is not helpful

Dexter,
take care of yourself. I appreciate your comments on my posts. I appreciate your wit and humor and understanding. You are important and don't need a relationship to validate yourself. Keep being as special as you already are and keep posting.

Not stupid Clara I appreciate the comments.

I certainly haven't had much practice and that is what I see as my problem... You've hit the nail on the head. I've only had interest twice once at age 40 and once at age 54 and I don't see myself having any more opportunity for practice. I just don't want to expend the effort any more.

I've only been attracted to someone twice in my entire life. Once around age 40 and once just recently at age 54. Both attractions were the result of close friendships (of which I've had many) which grew in my heart because we got closer and I realized that that person was also growing closer to me and was developing a relationship interest in me.

However both times as sure as I was that I was getting physical and emotional signs of interest... Both times I was completely wrong and when I tried to move further in the relationship I was rejected.

I have a zero batting average but only two attempts... Like Clara said lack of practice is obviously a factor... but at age 54 with deteriorating physical health and deteriorating mental health I can't see mysefl continuing to try let alone that I would have another opportunity. For an opportunity to come again I would have to find someone else to develop a close friendship with and I don't meet many people any more. The past ten years of making an exhausting effort to meet people only yielded these two possibilities for me. People just aren't attracted to me for whatever reason.

Thank you guiltier I appreciate you and the people here. I have many people IRL that I can call friends but they don't warrant the pain I have been in and I don't think they realize that when they pledge their help but then can't see me because they have to get home to their families and loved ones that while usually that is something I love about them right now in this state it is driving home how alone I am.

i sent you a pm dexter

as you , i am an extreme introvert...
i dont get much practice either, and honestly sometimes i dunno if i even wanna try anymore... love hurts...

I know this and believe this. This is why I honestly am surprised that I am still alone. I've never felt I needed someone to complete me and I've never gone out looking for a relationship... Always believing that if something was right it would present itself and believing that "hunting" for my "better half" would be a sure cure for failure.

I've always been happy on my own and I always thought that if a relationship ever came, that would be one of my best qualities relationshipwise.

Not until my first love interest that led to my depression ten years ago made me feel that I did need someone to share my joys and share my sorrows and therapy helped me realize that I should be more proactive in finding someone.

That didn't mean "hunting" for someone I still think that's not the right route... but just getting out, meeting more people, meeting more gay people, exposing myself more as gay so others would see me.

And that's what I did fully believing that I was worth a relationship and that my characteristics including liking myself would make me attractive to others.

But apparently I'm not attractive to others. Only as a friend.

i think some of us repel any kind of advances from any possible "prospects"

and of course our advances are seen as some kind of repulsive act

it seems to be too complicated for me

I'm not sure but I don't think I repel advances... If I'd been oblivious to them under age 40 (very possible) I think I've been looking for them over the past ten years. The two I've had seemed to have unmistakable signs of interest... I've talked with others, friends and therapy, and they've agreed that the signs I saw were surprising to have been wrong.

I don't believe that you or I repulse people... Except maybe someone closed minded... It is easier for me to believe that depression makes us think that we are repulsive... That seems to be something right out of depressions play book.

Hope for some luck for you elevated soul and to believe in yourself if that is something lacking... For me I have no idea why i'm so loveable yet unloveable and I'm tired of trying to figure that out.

i was mostly talking about myself

well.. i guess because i have so many problems no one could be happy with me anyway

i feel like that picture perfect kind of guy though - atleast what i seem to hear girls are looking for, but whatever...
yet have no luck, all the qualities, yet no benefits :/

besides all my hardships though i guess... ill stop talking about it :/

dunno why it has to be complicated, why cant people just be like hey lets do this, but everyone wants to play games - i hate playing games...

edit : sorry, guess im just feeling dark today..

urgh i guess i cant let anyone close to me either, i just get so cold and distant, maybe i really want to be alone

It's so difficult elevatedsoul. I understand.

I think that some of that is part of our illness. We are convinced that no one loves us, could possibly understand us, we are too messed up to deal with etc. In spite of the fact i am married to a wonderful man and have a family, I struggle too with loneliness. and it is hard. I am so afraid that everyone will give up on me as a lost cause and disappear from my life. but the reality is that there are people who care and show it in small ways that I , in my depression sometimes miss. I can only imagine how you must feel sometimes dexter.