[Crook32]

Have not been in the best frame of mind lately. The SI has been ever present and I have been isolating myself from my wife and kids. Today at therapy was a very hard time. My T was asking me a lot of questions about my family and I was not happy with the answers I was giving. She asked if I loved my kids and I said no. Then she asked if I wanted to be married and again I said no. I felt like the worst person in the world when I said this. I just feel so pathetic. I just feel like my family would be better off without me. They got along just fine when I was in the hospital. My T said that she thinks I am just looking for a way to be single so that I can act on my SI plans. I am just so frustrated right now. The memory problems I am having from ECT are not getting better. My pdoc won't let me go back to work yet and I hate to admit he is probably right.

I just feel like maybe this is all in my head and I am just making it all up, that I really don't have depression. I am just bringing it all on myself and should be able to snap out of it.

Or maybe I should just get the guts to disappear.

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[elevatedsoul]

my friend...
you are not making it up..
do you think that those answers are what yo truly feel?
or are you trying to push away people close to you so you dont hurt them?

depression tries to take away everything we have, it will take away all our feelings - leaving the pain to confuse us, to make us doubt everything, and to strip us of our self respect, strip us of any type of faith or hope

depression is a beast that we must slay, some how, eventually... but until we can kill depression the beast, we have to wound it and slow it down, we have to stun it and blind it, try to make it disorientated so that we can regain a foothold, to take a moments rest and regain some strength

i wish i could say there is a cheat code to defeating it, or that the beast has a weakness... but i don't know it
because i have my depression beast that i am kicking tooth and nail with, i think they are all different and all must be defeated differently.. because our insides are different... the only thing i know that is the same for us is that we can't give up, this beast can't win! we have to fight it harder than anything, fight harder than most people fight their whole lives 10 fold... we have to be stronger than superman, and faster than the flash... we have to remind ourselves that this beast will take over our mind and make us think these negative things about everything...
it is psychological warfare.... this is a beast that must be destroyed and i for one wont let it win and wont rest until im standing over its bloody corpse

i am really sorry that you are struggling... i know how it is, it is a moment to moment thing... i go back and forth, i fight and fight... but everyone gets weak, and we need to regain our strength and our balance...
depression doesn't like it when we are kind to ourselves... when we are gentle...
this stuns the beast... you have to stun the beast to regain some strength so you can fight back...

please stay strong, keep full speed ahead, we shall prevail...

Hi Crook, depression is real. It affects how we normally would feel and think. It makes us say things we regret later but it has a mind of its own. And if we can't get a handle on it it presents SI to us. Don't feel guilty for how you felt or what you said. You verbalized the disease. The questions are a guideline to see how much more medication or T time you need. Be patient and work on the issues your dr. tells you to do. I suffered with depression for a very long time. I understand it well. Depression feeds off of guilt so don't give in to guilty feelings. Just think good things and see yourself as going through a guided transition to getting healthier right now... (((hugs))) it will get better, tc

[Crook32]

I just want to disappear. I have the kids alone today because they are on spring break. I just don't know how I am going to be able to handle it.
They would all be so much better off without me. I am no good for them.

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[Crook32]

I am feeling so overwhelmed. My T is on vacation for two weeks so I can't even email her.

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