Unwanted

I leave when I think that maybe I'm on an upswing and then I inevitably come back because I've crashed hard again and I know it's my fault for being the one to leave in the first place but when I come back it's always abundantly clear that no one cares about me here either and I feel so ****ing alone and unwanted and oh gosh I'm so ****ing lonely and I have no ****ing right to be

Hi Still you are welcome to come and go here as much or as often as you please. We are here to help whenever you want to be here.

I am sure there are a lot of people here that care about you. Sometimes it is hard on a large forum like this for people to express care for individual members but the one thing that you can always count on here is that we understand what it feels like to believe that no one cares.

It is also important to remember that depression makes us believe that no one in our lives care when often that is far from the truth. Depression shields us from the truth and makes us believe the worst.

I care about you and I'm glad you came here today to post. I don't know how to make you feel better but I think coming here is a good step. Hang in there. I hope you are seeing a therapist or doctor for some help.

(((hugs)))

Thanks, everyone. It's my fault I know. The common wisdom is that you get what you give to any community, and so I can't expect to get anything when I don't put effort into it myself. It's just hard when I have such drastic mood swings that can last minutes or weeks. 7 cups has been kinda helpful too. But yeah. Thanks.

Hi StillIntending,

Dropping in to let you know that I care too
And it's far from your "fault" for leaving if you feel you're on an upswing, improvement is a good thing and, here or not, that's the most important thing
But as you can see, PC is still here if/when.........., and there'll always be people who care on here if you bear with us..........you're part of the community and you matter however much or little you post
So like I said I care, I honestly don't know how much I may be able to help, but if you want to talk.........I'll give it my best, and I'm here for you

Alison

can talk about somethings here if you want...
alot of people are going through same things here

doesn't matter if you need to take a break from here or not, if you stop coming because you feel better or not, the door is always open...

i know how you feel though...
try to distract yourself from the urges... its been like 2-3 days since i last sh... going to try to keep it counting

Thanks Alison, Elevatedsoul. It does help some. I actually haven't cut in about two months, but beginning with the day I posted this thread and up to now, the urges have been coming back. I also haven't been suicidal for a while now but in that moment, I think I'd gotten myself to that point again.
I rely too much on the few people I'm really close to in my life, most notably my best friend. When he can't drop everything to give me instantaneous attention, my mood can drop rapidly. Sometimes I think I'm doing better at not relying on him as much but then out of nowhere it causes a huge mood shift and the result this time was this post.
Due to an, er, let's say interesting home situation, I can't get therapy or counseling for another six months, which is when I head off to college in a neighboring state and about 10 hours away. My best friend and his girlfriend are actually planning to move to where my college is just to stay close to me. I think partly that's because he values me and loves me, and says this relationship is basically necessary for him too no matter how much he enjoys it outside of necessity. But. The main reason is me. We're both scared of what could happen if I was that far away from him for that long.
But maybe the counseling I can get at the school will help too. It's college. So much of my life will change. Maybe I'll find the secret to happiness.
Until then I just have to tough it out. He stays because he wants to and claims fiercely that I have never abused him, even when I say I no doubt have at this point. I feel so selfish for throwing fits when he's too busy for another of my depressive episodes, but if he's willing to put up with me, then for his sake if not for mine, I guess the thing to do is work at recovering, and not worrying as much about hurting him. I don't know. That sounds selfish too. I wish I could get adult, professional help right now instead of having to wait. I know I need guidance but also know that I can't turn to any of the adults already in my life.

don't give up....don't ever give up...get the help you need NOW...all these good persons here on PC can help....we are suffering together with you....you will learn and survive...

Hoping you feel better soon. ❤️

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Hi StillIntending,

I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now
But you know I'm still seeing some real positives in what you've said:
You've managed not to cut in about two months (!!!), sounds like that's a real achievement for you, so massively well done!!!!
You are sometimes doing better at not relying on your friend so much, and hopefully you are giving yourself real credit for that???!!!!
In "that moment" you came to us to "talk"!!!!
You are focused on a future.........college..........and you are focused on getting help through counselling (and hopefully help though us too ).
So StillIntending, I'm wondering if you're giving yourself anywhere near the credit or recognition of your strength you deserve???

So........maybe time to work on developing a bit more of a support circle.........and more of an action plan for "What if........"???
The wider the support circle often the more use it can be..........so do you think for starters you could make PC a bit of a bigger part in your support circle?? You've already done so well in opening up about how you're feeling with us...........
And obviously your friend is going to feature large in your action plan right now.........but maybe you could add in a few steps (or a few more steps) before you contact him if..........things like.......maybe you could write things down, find distractions, do some kind of activity, listen to something, read some threads/posts on here..........and perhaps have an agreement of specific times you'll be talking to him, that way if things are hard..........at least you know you will be talking to him at x time??
Just thinking it might help you rely on him a little less when you do, and give you some more "tools in your armory"???
While you're waiting for more professional support though.........just wondering if you've tried any of the crisis online/chatlines though..........there are trained volunteers on some of them.........so just a thought until...........

Alison

I've done 7 cups of tea a few times. That usually gets me past my lonliness, at least, when that is the primary emotion involved. I try to have things I can do when my friend isn't around. Sometimes I binge watch anime until a mood passes, or I write in my digital journal. I also have two other friends who know my situation whom I can talk to, but sometimes they aren't available, and sometimes, well, he's the only one who I want to talk to. When that happens, sometimes he isn't available either, and those are the times like the one triggering this message. Those are the times I am most prone to self destructive acts.
The addition of 7 cups of tea lately is helping me not rely quite as much on him, because at least I'll always have SOMEONE to talk to, so even if I still want to tell him about it later, I can be satisfied in the moment.
Thank you for saying I'm doing well. I'm not sure how right you are but it does mean a lot to me that you think so.
I'm not sure what else I could do before running back to him. Especially when I'm on the mood and need help, NOW. Any suggestions would be helpful but I've probably tried at least most of them.

Hi StillIntending,

Well it sounds like you have some good action planning going on there
And do you think maybe the more you use seven cups of tea the more you'll be able deter the feeling of needing specifically him, the more comfortable you'll get using that instead at times??
And there will be times when you're going to know what he'd say even if he isn't there, so reminding yourself of those words might give you some comfort.........I know it won't be quite the same as him being there but............
Not that there should be anything wrong with needing him sometimes when he's available, he is a friend

Alison