[Bird Feeder]

Well I don't think I am really depressed, I just feel life is too hard to put up with anymore. I have problems and concerns but don't know where to turn to talk about them. I am taking ECT every 2 weeks that actually makes everything ok. It makes it feel like suicide is wrong when it really is the only way out. My life is really screwed up. I shouldn't complain, I have a full-time job, but I am finding it harder and harder to concentrate and perform anymore. There is stress associated with it, but the real stress comes from home. I have the means to commit suicide and definitely the reasons, I'm just so torn. If I stop ECT and taking my pills I think the end will be easier. Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it out.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

Well I don't think I am really depressed, I just feel life is too hard to put up with anymore. I have problems and concerns but don't know where to turn to talk about them. I am taking ECT every 2 weeks that actually makes everything ok. It makes it feel like suicide is wrong when it really is the only way out. My life is really screwed up. I shouldn't complain, I have a full-time job, but I am finding it harder and harder to concentrate and perform anymore. There is stress associated with it, but the real stress comes from home. I have the means to commit suicide and definitely the reasons, I'm just so torn. If I stop ECT and taking my pills I think the end will be easier. Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it out.

are you talking with a therapist...

[Bird Feeder]

I have a therapist appt. in April 11. I guess I hate to talk to people I know because I don't want them to feel responsible for what I do. I am trying hard not to act on my urges. I should call her but we left on "I was doing good" terms, not I am not but I don't know what happened.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

I have a therapist appt. in April 11. I guess I hate to talk to people I know because I don't want them to feel responsible for what I do. I am trying hard not to act on my urges. I should call her but we left on "I was doing good" terms, not I am not but I don't know what happened.

I think you should see her this week....please talk to her honestly...how unhappy are you...

[gayleggg]

I agree with Little Turtle, tell your therapist the truth about your thoughts.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[elevatedsoul]

it doesnt matter if you told her 5 minutes ago that you are doing good... can turn around and tell her you are doing bad... ive done that, walk into the office and she ask me how im doing and im like "im doing fine" and then start talking about how bad im doing

[Bird Feeder]

I think I should be doing better. People are tired of me feeling bad, I'm tired of me feeling bad. my husband is 65 and self employed. I carry the health insurance but I just found out he has no life insurance either. we refinanced the house 2 years ago because he didn't pay his taxes. I would rather die and give him some semblance of security than life in this black hole of insecurity. i grew up abused and never had security and I still don't have it. I think dying is the ultimate answer to this *****. My kids are all doing well and are self sufficent, thank god. I'm rambling, i'm hurt, i'm anger, and I hate my life.

Your emotions of being hurt, angry, and not pleased with your life are no doubt justified. Many who have been in your shoes have found with the right coping mechanisms and with time the intense despair passes. That is my hope for you.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

I think I should be doing better. People are tired of me feeling bad, I'm tired of me feeling bad. my husband is 65 and self employed. I carry the health insurance but I just found out he has no life insurance either. we refinanced the house 2 years ago because he didn't pay his taxes. I would rather die and give him some semblance of security than life in this black hole of insecurity. i grew up abused and never had security and I still don't have it. I think dying is the ultimate answer to this *****. My kids are all doing well and are self sufficent, thank god. I'm rambling, i'm hurt, i'm anger, and I hate my life.

keep talking bird....everything that is there...it is ok ...I am pissed off too... the way things are...find people that you can talk with about all the **** in life...

[elevatedsoul]

its easy to die... its hard to live...
but dieing doesn't solve these issues, not for you.. me... us... them...
it just closes our book, and leaves it setting on the floor...
the end of us will ring through out the rest of all of those close to us... they never forget when someone they cared about has died...
we have to see how valuable we are in those peoples lives, even if they never let us know...
i don't live for myself, i live for others.... my family... for you all...
would be too easy to make all the pain stop, but it would reverberate through everyone elses life causing my pain to spread to others and thats the last thing i want...

im sorry you are hurting.... try to focus on the beauty of life.... sometimes its easy to lose focus of it... and become blinded by all of the dark painful things in life...

[Bird Feeder]

Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate each and everyone. I understand what all of you are saying and I know that what I am thinking is selfish and will hurt other people. For that I am very sorry. I wish I could see a way out of all this without thinking about suicide but my options are limited. I have tried hard my whole life, babysat a dozen kids when my kids were little and worked two jobs when needed. Worked through medical issues with minimal time off, hell I go right back to work after having ECT in the morning. I'm tired and now I'm overwhelmed too. My husband doesn't know how well he has it because most people wouldn't put up with things that I have. Now I am just tired....among other emotions.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate each and everyone. I understand what all of you are saying and I know that what I am thinking is selfish and will hurt other people. For that I am very sorry. I wish I could see a way out of all this without thinking about suicide but my options are limited. I have tried hard my whole life, babysat a dozen kids when my kids were little and worked two jobs when needed. Worked through medical issues with minimal time off, hell I go right back to work after having ECT in the morning. I'm tired and now I'm overwhelmed too. My husband doesn't know how well he has it because most people wouldn't put up with things that I have. Now I am just tired....among other emotions.

why are you having ECT...

[Bird Feeder]

I have ECT for depression and suicidal thoughts. I have been having it every 2 weeks for the pass 2 1/2 years. It has made the thought of suicide difficult but just another barrier I have to break.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

I have ECT for depression and suicidal thoughts. I have been having it every 2 weeks for the pass 2 1/2 years. It has made the thought of suicide difficult but just another barrier I have to break.

how is your physical health bird

[Bird Feeder]

My physical health is good...unfortunately. No chronic physical problems, although I have chronic hypothyrodism due to thyroid removal.

I wish I had something chronically wrong with me besides my mind, then people would understand.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

My physical health is good...unfortunately. No chronic physical problems, although I have chronic hypothyrodism due to thyroid removal.

I wish I had something chronically wrong with me besides my mind, then people would understand.

bird....do you know for sure that your thyroid hormones are ok...

[Bird Feeder]

Originally Posted by little turtle

bird....do you know for sure that your thyroid hormones are ok...

I should call my primary for a current blood test. I know that if I see my Pdoc in /may he will want to know the level too. It has been awhile since I had it done.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

I should call my primary for a current blood test. I know that if I see my Pdoc in /may he will want to know the level too. It has been awhile since I had it done.

bird this could be very important....it is sometimes forgotten but vital....
you need to know this about yourself...maybe even an endocrinologist needs
to be consulted....low thyroid is notorious for causing depression..

[Bird Feeder]

Called for a TSH thyroid test and will get it next week. Meanwhile I am taking more and more Klonopin. instead of .5 I'll take 10 mg. I have a very high tolerance of meds so I am testing the waters. I have two bottles of 45 mg each and another 30mg or so. I feel like Im flirting with overdose. but the ten mg doesn't do anything damn it

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Bird Feeder

Called for a TSH thyroid test and will get it next week. Meanwhile I am taking more and more Klonopin. instead of .5 I'll take 10 mg. I have a very high tolerance of meds so I am testing the waters. I have two bottles of 45 mg each and another 30mg or so. I feel like Im flirting with overdose. but the ten mg doesn't do anything damn it

if you can be more active physically....that will help some...
how is your fasting blood glucose...
be careful with the klonopin...it is good but it can come back to bite you..

[emijec]

elevatedsoul is so right, it's hard to live. what is the right answer?

we talk about feelings of wanting to die .. but would we feel the same if we were literally breathing our last bits of air? could we confront death and accept it? does our instinct to survive kick in? but then people do it.

my old boss's 30 year old son passed , lymphoma. he said he wanted to fight. he had prostrate cancer before then and a head injury that almost killed him. just when all that was over and he passed the bar exam.. within a month he got diagnosed. I know he'd trade places with anyone living . but I feel like you, like sometimes life is too hard but then I think of this kid, who just passed on Thursday. and I feel guilty for feeling that way..

what is the right answer? I say keep trying, if your body fights, you fight. if you have some ounce of hope some thing to hold onto, do. you must. you are here in this time and place. we all have short times alive in this universe anyway. don't we owe it to ourselves?

[little turtle]

we really don't know much about the mind/brain/suicide thing...
we are learning but we don't know much...

[Bird Feeder]

I guess I wish it was easy. I feel sorry for people you have a strong desire to live when I don't. My ECT nurse was diagnosed with cancer and was off for awhile. I felt so bad when she returned because I was there fighting suicidal thoughts and she was fighting cancer. When I mentioned it to my Pdoc he said she knew I was fighting as hard as she was. It made me feel better....not less suicidal though.