[salsharia]

First of all, I don't know where I fit in. I am posting this in the depression thread because that is mostly how I feel.

I have developed somewhat of an obsession with podcasts, youtube videos and articles on depression and Bipolar. It started with depression after recovering from a period of major depression and then I thought I was Bipolar so I researched it to death but it also occurred to me that I would likely be ADHD since my brother was diagnosed, I had learning disabilities and my mother most likely is.. though is undiagnosed. So I started researching about symptoms of that too.

I soo badly want a diagnosis because I've been feeling like I can't live like this anymore. I read some old journals of mine last night which reminded me of the pain I felt 10 years ago is the same I feel now. I thought it was new. It's dark and desperate. I was obsessed with being in love because I thought that would fix me. I dealt with insomnia and blamed it on the relationships. I controlled and restricted my eating. When I was 19, I only allowed myself 60 calories/day. I weighed about 105 lbs when my aunt told me I was too skinny so I started eating again because I didn't want to look anorexic, but the disordered eating never went away. My uncle was diagnosed Bi-Polar though he is my half uncle and substance abuse also runs in the family.

On nights that I was really hurting I would drink a bottle of wine cry myself to sleep and then sleep all day the next day. Usually it was triggered by something that happened in a relationship. Getting through university was tough. Ten years later and I still have a hard time getting out of bed. But I noticed in my writing.. and remember this, that there were times where everything made sense. Like I finally got it and would write strange philosophical things in my journal. I still get times which last from about 2 - 5 days where it feels like I will NEVER be depressed again.. like I finally got it all figured out and I am soo overwhelmed with joy that I want to laugh and cry. I am creative and every joke I tell is funny. These are times where I feel like I would be a good lover and a good friend because I can listen to them, offer good advice, make them feel better and provide support.

My friend just went through his father being diagnosed with cancer and then getting surgery and I felt like a ****** friend hanging out with him tonight. I couldn't get out of my own head. I was focused on how I was feeling not him. I was trying to express how I felt last week, without asking how he is doing. Then I get home and thought, how could I be soo selfish? How come I can't just forget about how I feel for a day and listen/talk to him? Am I obsessed with being ill or am I desperate to find a reason why I feel like sometimes there is not point to this world, to being alive, to being human and to trying... except I don't want to be dead. I don't think I could kill myself.

... I want to know sometimes if the way I feel is maybe not under my control but maybe it's chemical and I can't help it. It would almost be a relief.

Help. Anyone else feel selfish and self involved/obsessed with being unwell? - even though all you want is to be well, thought I don't know what that looks like.

When I'm in my depressive state, I feel like I'm pretty self-absorbed and selfish. If I spend some time with someone, after our time be over, then I would review in my mind how our time went. And then I would cringe thinking about myself. I'd be thinking that all I did was talk about myself and just thought about myself.

I've heard somewhere that depression can make us selfish. I think that it's not in your nature to be a selfish person. It's just that depression can make you (and others) that way. I can't put into words why it's that way, but I have an idea why that is.

Don't feel bad about yourself, by all means! If I think that I've been selfish when I'm with someone, then I would later apologize to them. Maybe you could do that with that guy you hung out with. I think that he would accept your apology. So many people do not understand depression when they have not experienced it. Hard to believe that there are people that don't experience depression.

I think that it's great that you are aware of it. If anyone just got talking about themselves and then apologized to me later on - I would be very grateful that they did. Best to you!

[Demunie]

Hi salsharia,

I don't think that you're trying to be depressed.

Could you talk with a pdoc about what you're experiencing?

I often argue with myself about that, wondering if i'm really depressed or if i'm just wanting attention. I have no clew how to "resolve" this dispute, though.

Take care,

[Fizzyo]

Hi salsharia,

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain! It is one of the features of depression that we focus on ourselves, I often come away from a conversation and wish I took more interest in the other person's problems. Depression takes over all our thoughts. Could you send a text reminding your friend that you do care and are thinking of him?

I don't believe anyone tries to be depressed. It's a desperate place to be.
While it is good to be informed, self diagnosis in my opinion almost always causes more worries than it solves. I hope you have some professional support and if not, a conversation with your doctor will give you a more objective opinion, and maybe guidance to find the help you need.

Good luck and best wishes

[elevatedsoul]

therapy might be a good thought...

im pretty obsessive myself... i've read probably way too much on the matters, but i think its good to be educated..
they diagnosed me with bipolar in the beginning too... but after 4 years and a second opinion i find out it was adhd...

just try to be kind to yourself... depression tries to take everything you got...

[salsharia]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

therapy might be a good thought...

im pretty obsessive myself... i've read probably way too much on the matters, but i think its good to be educated..
they diagnosed me with bipolar in the beginning too... but after 4 years and a second opinion i find out it was adhd...

just try to be kind to yourself... depression tries to take everything you got...

Thank you for the reminder to be gentle and compassionate. Remarkably I feel much better today. It's like the pain of yesterday never happened and I feel a bit shameful about the storm in my head. I know better now, it always come back and when it does.. I will go easy on myself.

So do you suffer from ADHD and depression?

[salsharia]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

Hi salsharia,

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain! It is one of the features of depression that we focus on ourselves, I often come away from a conversation and wish I took more interest in the other person's problems. Depression takes over all our thoughts. Could you send a text reminding your friend that you do care and are thinking of him?

I don't believe anyone tries to be depressed. It's a desperate place to be.
While it is good to be informed, self diagnosis in my opinion almost always causes more worries than it solves. I hope you have some professional support and if not, a conversation with your doctor will give you a more objective opinion, and maybe guidance to find the help you need.

Good luck and best wishes

Thank you. Big hug to you. You are right, who would actually want to be depressed? I'm feeling better today suddenly and I can admit that I do not want to feel depressed ever again. Now that I am feeling better I have the desire to take care of myself and get better. It's a deceiving state of mind. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and therapist on Tuesday so I will bring it up.

[salsharia]

Originally Posted by will19

When I'm in my depressive state, I feel like I'm pretty self-absorbed and selfish. If I spend some time with someone, after our time be over, then I would review in my mind how our time went. And then I would cringe thinking about myself. I'd be thinking that all I did was talk about myself and just thought about myself.

I've heard somewhere that depression can make us selfish. I think that it's not in your nature to be a selfish person. It's just that depression can make you (and others) that way. I can't put into words why it's that way, but I have an idea why that is.

Don't feel bad about yourself, by all means! If I think that I've been selfish when I'm with someone, then I would later apologize to them. Maybe you could do that with that guy you hung out with. I think that he would accept your apology. So many people do not understand depression when they have not experienced it. Hard to believe that there are people that don't experience depression.

I think that it's great that you are aware of it. If anyone just got talking about themselves and then apologized to me later on - I would be very grateful that they did. Best to you!

Thank you for sharing your experiences! You made me feel more human and brought me soo much relief. Thanks for the much needed perspective. I did message him and it's water under the bridge now, though the guilt did keep me awake until 5am as my mind was ruminating about it. lol... but now I'm fine

[elevatedsoul]

Yeah I have depression,ADHD,PTSD,anxiety, something called somatization... social phobia/avoidant personality, and some kind of dissociation
I'm totally crazy but it makes me a good guy I think , gotta go through hell to get to heaven! But I just try not to think about it , I'm fairly used to it

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