so afraid

Had a rough visit with therapist yesterday. I have been feeling pretty good lately, and I'm grateful for each moment in the sunshine. However during our conversation it became apparent that i am deeply afraid to trust, accept love , and be happy. He was encouraging me to "step through the door where all my negative voices and beliefs would be erased and accept the belief that I am a valued child of God. I couldn't do it. You see, i know what a horrible person I am. my cruel thoughts, selfishness, things I've done to hurt my family, people i've let down. I just can't seem to let go of those things, forgive myself, and move forward. I'm scared of the unknown and what happens when the next hurt/disappointment/failure happens. I'm just too afraid of the next step and the moment when I'm hurt again.... I'm afraid i'll get lost again in the pit and might not be able to pull out of it. I'm scared of the pain and the heartbreak of accepting love. It is easier/safer to keep my walls up. Any thoughts?

Hi,
I think that at least partially your barriers to accepting love are related to your childhood and your early relationships. Understanding the genesis of your patterns of behavior would not only help you to manage yourself better but also may ease your feelings of guilt about the effects on your loved ones that your behavior produced in the past. I do not know you but I am not sure if you could have been different. However, in the present moment you can improve. But perhaps you will have to be mindful of all the stuff that was passed onto you by your parents and other SOs during your childhood, and of all the stuff that happened to you in the past and made you in the way you are. In my opinion, we are not that "free". We are highly conditioned by events and people that were important to us when we were children. We need to go through a long path of self discovery to disentangle such influence. For some of us the process need decades before we see good results. I know we have made wrong decisions and suffer people unnecessarely. But also I know that we have had little margin to manuever.
Sorry if my words are confusing or not helpful

well... i have these walls too..
but maybe it can help you to feel a little better to see a different perspective..?
you mention the things you have done... most people consider that we have free will and that we intentionally do everything...
but i have read about something called "free won't" ... its kind of interesting, maybe it can help you feel a little less guilty about things that happened in the past so you can work forwards

here is just one article on it
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-have-or-need

We've all fallen short in many ways, done things we have regretted, hurt people, etc. We all are selfish and self-absorbed in many ways. The key is to forgive yourself for all of it so that you are not crushed by the weight of self-hate. I know, easier said than done, but what is the alternative? Like so many things, it is a daily practice, not a one-time event. I wish you the best.