[qwerty68]

I don't know if I am actually going to hit submit this. Writing stuff out helps me, not as much as people's responses, which is why I am writing this with a thought at deleting it.

Possible trigger:

I don't know where to start, I have lots of long posts detailing all sorts of whiny details so I will try to make this short.

Pain and anxiety is killing me, or making me wish I were dead. But I can't end it. six months ago I was leaving my pdocs office feeling awful, self-hatred and all that crap. I headed to my daughters house and I knocked on their door and my five year old grandson opens the door. He yells out "papa is here, today is the greatest day ever". That is seared into my brain and every time I have SI, which is multiple times a day that image of him plays in my head over and over. I have two grand daughters that I love just as much as my grandson but I feel really connected to him.

The current big problem is that my daughter is moving across the state taking my grandson and one of my grand daughters with her. It is a good thing for them, it will present great opportunities for them. But it is leaving me in a bad state. I inadvertently told her that I am having impulses to saw off my feet(neuromas in both feet are driving me nuts) and it is making her upset about leaving me. My other daughter and granddaughter live with me which helps but I am doing bad right now, when they leave I don't know what will happen. I wish I couldn't care what will happen, more than anything I wish that, but I do mind because of my children and grand children but they deserve better than me.

Not to go into details but I have had lots of things on my mind that spike my anxiety. Most of those things are settled or just figments of my twisted mind but my anxiety levels haven't noticeably dropped. Every week there are new things added that cause anxiety. It shouldn't be this way, how can I have worries when I rarely leave my place, have no friends, and I am poor, but financially stable? I am in no danger of starving or becoming homeless. So why is my anxiety through the roof? It is making my depression and psychosis worse.

My mind and gut are constantly spinning and I get racing thoughts. Still images of things, like a fast moving slideshow that randomly stops on an image. If the image is something that is real, there is no issue. If it is an image from a dream, it causes a seizure aura or maybe it is a seizure, I have never gotten a definitive answer from a neurologist. Regardless, it is the thing I fear more than anything. I go blind, get feelings of terrors, like a panic attack on top of another one. They can lead to a grand mal but I have enough benzos to stop it in its tracks but the benzos don't stop the racing thoughts.

I have lots of medical issues and pain, sadly none of it is life-threatening and not one of them has a solution including my MH issues. They are all permanent and the best case for me is that they don't get worse. Things always get worse. All this makes my depression worse. If I were to make a graph from 1995(when all of this started) to today, there were be a lot of ups and downs but the trend has always been down since I am a total loser

I had a plan to off myself Jan 1 2000, it seemed fitting, and while I ended up bloody I stopped early on because I wanted to say goodbye to my kids who were at a friends house and the mom called the police. Surprisingly, I avoided being committed. My daughters would be so much better off if I had done that, in every way. Biggest regret of my life. I know this makes me sound like an idiotic, self-absorbed jerk, which is just one more reason for me to stop living.

I apologize for sounding like a blubbering idiot.

[basicgoodness]

You have a lot to deal with. I don't know you but I don't want you to stop living. You are an important part of other people's lives and they would be hurt if you weren't around. You are not a total loser or an idiotic, self-absorbed jerk. You are a hurting human being, deserving of love and respect, from others, but more importantly, from yourself. I hope you are able to find some peace.

I am glad you didn't delete it. I can relate to a lot of it.

My daughter will be leaving me also, to move to the west coast. I am in the middle of the country. My parents are on the east coast.
It is difficult to let go when you feel that they are your reason to live. So I get how you feel.

As far as the anxiety, dear qwerty, I feel as if mine arrived with the depression, also (about 10 years ago)...I do feel as if I had some kind of strange episodes that others didn't seem to have way before that, though.
Mine is triggered by a conscious thought BUT SOMETIMES it is not. It happens randomly. It is scary. And I have to just ride them out the best I can.

I don't know why we are here...I don't get why some of us suffer and some do not. Part of me wants to think that it's because of something I did...Because then it would make sense to me and I like things to make sense. I need a reason. I need logic. But it will not happen.
So, the ride is shytty for people like us.

The only thing I can do is grasp onto those special moments....the rarity of them make them all the more precious to me.
Your children and grandchildren are your moments.

You have my very best wishes and thoughts.

[Marla500]

Qwerty, I absolutely get where you are coming from, in my own way I am experiencing similar things and it's really hard, but the good moments are coming again, they are out there waiting for us if we can hang in there. Your family needs you, you are very important to all of them. If possible, try to keep busy and get some exercise, things may start to look a little bit better tomorrow.

Your daughter is moving across state . . . sounds like a good reason for some road trips, stopping to see some sights you've always wanted to but just never got around to? Skype can still give you face-to-face time with her and kids, too, so you wouldn't even have to make an effort to see them real time. Although sharing love is great in person, it's not the only way.

I checked one of of my favorite health sites regarding your neuromas (you helped me learn something new today) - maybe the info at this link can lead to something positive for you:
Morton's Neuroma Remedies
Remedies That Helpede Mortons Neuroma

[qwerty68]

Thank you for these nice replies. It is nice to know that some people, even if you will always be strangers, can understand and sadly, relate.

I guess it is the depression that causes the anxiety, I don't know. I have had constant depression since 95 but anxiety didn't make an unwelcome entrance until 2011. Maybe it is because it is still somewhat new and I haven't made relative peace with it like I have with my depression. The psychosis is new as well and is not helping anxiety or depression. My hallucinations don't even converse with me, some yell but I don't understand them. The only part of my depression that is hard for me to deal with is the reaction it causes because of anxiety and psychosis.

The only thing I care about is my family. I don't care if I have friends and certainly have zero desire to date but family has always been the center for me. That is probably because I come from a large family. I have 9 siblings. One of my sisters, who lives 10 time zones away is making the rounds visiting everyone so that will help me cope with my daughter leaving.

You are right, it is scary. Not having control of my mind is terrifying. It seems like the one thing I should be able to maintain control over but it is just twisted or something.

They are only 4 1/2 hours away, which is better than halfway across the country but I am quite poor. I eat from the money I make selling plasma. My VA check goes to rent and bills. I am so fortunate these problems started while I was in the service. The VA covers all my medical expenses including meds with no copay. The only thing they don't cover is dental. I could get cancer, and they will pay for all necessary treatments but won't even clean my teeth. Odd system.

I am hoping to get my rating increased from 80% to 100% which is a huge jump in pay and benefits(including full dental!) and than I could afford to visit them often.

I will check out those links, I appreciate that. I exaggerated a little, there is a fix for my feet, but there is no guarantee another neuroma won't appear and that is to get the offending nerve removed which would leave the center of the balls of my feet and inner three toes numb. Seems like an extreme solution and don't consider it to be a viable one unless the pain increases permanently.

Thank you to all that responded, it does help and is greatly appreciated.

So, Qwerty, your original post got me thinking . . . it seems to me that if your mental health state has been on a downward trend since 1995 I would really start investigating nutritional deficiencies. The details you posted, including at the end "MDD with psychosis," jogged my memory of reading recently published research in the psychiatry world on the link between schizophrenia & vitamin deficiencies. I'm not saying your are schizophrenic, but the psychosis symptoms are attributable to MH diagnoses of which schizophrenia is one. You may not be getting enough quality nutrition if your income restrictions are significant enough too afford nutritious food.

I recently - as in the last 4 weeks - figured out I'm Vit C deficient. I eat well and use supplements, but was Googling Vit C deficiency (scurvy) in guinea pigs. I started reading one article which turned out to be about humans with Vit C deficiency - guess who had a multitude of the symptoms?? I was stunned. Called my nutritionist friend in another state and asked her "How could this be - I eat well?!" She said it was most likely all the intense stress I have been experiencing for years - interfering with the absorption, depleting my stores, or whatever. Anyway, I've been taking a minimum of 4000 mg of C per day since - guess who is feeling better?? Not just with the physical symptoms, but my depression as well! Yeah, I feel pretty stupid because I know the mind & body are one . . .

P.S. Just saw a related post under the Other Treatments thread . . .

[qwerty68]

It could be. For a lot of those years my diet was poor.

The last few years it is much, much better. I cut out sodas almost completely, as well with candy, chips, red meat and fast food.

A typical day for me is: organic oatmeal for breakfast with strawberries. A fruit/vegie smoothy for lunch. Fish/chicken, some mix of beans and quinoa plus a huge heaping of salad, light on the lettuce. Romaine is the darkest lettuce I can stand. Fruit for dessert. It might sound boring but I am a good cook and use spices well. It is also really cheap. I have so little money for food but am still able to eat healthy. ~$70 a week

I am taking some supplements including B complex(started this when I got diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy), C, D and fish oil + a multivitamin. That is as much as I can afford but I recently learned that the VA stocks a ton of vitamins and even some herbal stuff in their pharmacy so it is a matter of getting my doc to order them.

It certainly doesn't explain everything but is a great reminder, I hope everyone reading this takes it to heart. At the very least it will help from getting other serious diseases. MH issues are hard enough!

I have so many minor issues and many of them point to both diabetes and multiple sclerosis but happily I don't have either. I have been convinced that I had both of those at different points which lead to more MH trouble. I really wish I could get off the merry go round of suck, one way or another.

I wish vitamin deficiencies could explain my weird impulses to saw off my feet and other weird things. Happily, I don't have an axe or a saw of any kind, so I would have get a strong enough impulse, drive to a store, buy it and find a place to do it since I wouldn't want to make a mess of my townhouse. At some point during all that, the impulse would hopefully go away.

My psychosis came after I changed up my diet and is a little better since being put on an antipsychotic. Geodon also massively reduced my appetite which, along with the better diet has resulted in me losing 50 pounds since September. Decreasing my dosage is what kick started the weight loss.

I am still about 10 pounds overweight but that weight loss so far gave me no extra energy which is frustrating. I am waiting on testosterone results that my pdoc ordered, before he starts my on ECT. A basic test showed low levels and he order a more complete test. My thyroid was smack in the middle of normal range. My iron levels are always good so it is not anemia causing my fatigue.

My lab work that goes along with my physicals are pretty extensive but I am not sure they test for everything. My potassium levels used to be low but haven't been since my diet change. I need to go see my pcp soon about my sacroiliitis apparently spreading to my tailbone so I will ask if they could do a complete workup.

It is easy to forget that the mind is part of the body. It is strange that I do that since my headaches cause all sorts of issues outside my brain and head, but it is true. Thanks for the reminder.