confessions of little turtle

((((((((( little turtle ))))))))))

I hope you can love yourself a whole bunch,not just a tiny bit.

I am kind of amazed at how much the way I view myself has changed in the past 7 or so years.I used to feel so bad about myself,couldn't stand myself really.

I believed for sooooo many years that the things that have happened to me,the things that I have been through,both as a child and as an adult,all the hurt and pain I have experienced in my life was because I wasn't worthy of anything better.That some how I was defective,there was something wrong with ME that made people treat me so badly.That there was something about me that made me so repulsive to others that it made them abuse me.

Since I thought I deserved it,and it was all I ever knew,I never really tried to change things or put a stop to it even as an adult.I felt like total **** about myself,I felt broken inside,damaged,helpless.

But I finally learned that I don't deserve to be treated like that,I don't deserve to be abused.The people that were abusing me,they were wrong,they were the ones that were 'defective',not me.I'm an adult,I can change things now,I am no longer that abused and neglected little girl,I am a grown *** woman.I can stand up for myself,I no longer have to allow myself to be abused.That just because it's 'family' it doesn't mean I have to put up with it,I don't have to overlook it.

I matter.What I want,think and feel matters.To ME!

I started standing up for myself,started speaking up,told all the people in my life that the only way they can remain in my life they is if they treat me with respect,that I was no longer going to allow any of them abuse me anymore.

I even gave them chances,I remained in contact with them for awhile,reminding them what I wasn't willing to put up with.They all blew their chances,every one of them.I honestly don't think they knew how to treat me any other way,it's been that way for sooo many years that abusing me comes natural to them I think,just like being mistreated was all I knew,being the ones to do the mistreating was all they knew.

I am better off without them though.

Sometimes I feel like an orphan,it kind of hurts too not having any family,but it doesn't hurt as much as it did when they were all in my life.

Once I started getting away from them I started feeling much better about myself.It really felt good to tell them,one by one,that I was no longer going to put up with their treatment and sticking to it.Even though it was hard,and it hurt,to cut them out of my life,it was also so very empowering.

Without these people in my life always telling me who and what I was all the time I got a chance to start discovering exactly who I am.Started getting to know myself,my likes and dislikes,I finally got to start being who I really am.

The more I have been able to just be myself,the more I am discovering that I like.I am not at all anything I was always told I was,all the things I have believed my whole life.I am just as good as,just as worthy,just as lovable,as everyone else in the world.

I work hard on showing myself compassion.Some days it can be a challenge,especially when all the bad things,all the traumas,all the hurt and pain come flooding back.When my PTSD symptoms are trggered and my mind starts sinking into that bottomless pit,that deep dark,soul piercing black hole that sucks the life out of me.I start hating myself,berating myself,I let myself sink so far down that I wish I was dead.

But I read,I draw,I meditate,I listen to music,I do all the things that I enjoy,that make me who I am,who I really am inside.And I start remembering that I AM worthy,I AM lovable,I deserve good things,I deserve love,to love and be loved.I am fine just as I am,I accept myself as I am.Life is worth living.

And then I start loving myself again.I can't stop my mind from going to 'that' place,but I can do my best to pull myself back up,I can start loving myself again,it takes alot of work sometimes,but I always do.

Sorry for the rambling.Just a very long way to say I hope you can love yourself a bunch.

oh terish..... thank you for such a beautiful way of telling about you..

I'm sorry,I didn't mean to over share like that.I don't normally do that.I guess it felt right in the moment though.

it was right and good..

there are some life/mental problems that are not helped with medicines...
there are some that are helped with medicines..
I still haven't decided whether my medicines helped or hurt me....

my medicines did not get down to treating causes....it was treating symptoms.....that was good but I missed out in dealing with who I was and where it was best to go in life...

i never really understood how much damage my mother caused me...
I was her little substitute husband....I need help here...

I really wish the psych drug theory was true....I wish it was that simple...take the anti-depressant and you have taken care of the cause....in my case that was not true...the drugs helped me feel better but it didn't solve some very simple problems ...my relationship with women is really screwed up...one of my psychiatrists really screwed up...I think he was afraid of my problem...

I cant believe how screwed up I am...but my country is really screwed up...and psychiatry is screwed up....please be aware that psychiatry can make you sicker than you already are...

Something my therapist told me was "there's no pill that's going to take this away".He does not believe in pushing meds on people.I agree ,meds can help with symptoms but doesn't treat the cause.

I'm sorry you were your Mothers substitute husband.That was pretty damaging I assume.

We are all screwed up,it's not just you.

I'm sorry little turtle, that's horrible Grrrrrr at her - she should have loved and protected you, not used you we're here for you if you want to talk some more

(I'm screwed up too, I don't know anyone who isn't screwed up )

"One of my psychiatrists really screwed up... I think he was afraid of my problem"

How many shrinks, doctors, therapists screw up for this reason or even because they simply don't or can't care

i feel sad for all of us....we have a very awful time dealing with depression...

I don't know anything fuzzy

I don't either.. does that mean we both are wise?

I like what someone said on another thread - "following a path of heart instead of convenience" - I think you did this as a psych and you do it on here, that's one of the most important things, maybe the most important

I know nothing but I find it hard to respect doctors (irl) who define, categorise and label based on .... human foibles (their foibles and often distorted perceptions)


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But the love matters

yes yes fuzzy.....when I broke down my heart was broken....I couldn't help it...
fuzzy..... what do you think of the alice miller books about the mistreatment of children...

(((((((( little turtle ))))))))
I've got a couple of her books I read a long time ago, I think they are very good

fuzzy that is so cool...but I see those five claws....
I don't see any turtles

fuzzy I think you and I were really good kids...
was it our fault that we have serious mental health problems...

I think so too little turtle... I don't think it was our fault

I was a good little boy...my mother used me and my father abused me...my father was the hitter but my mother did the most damage...

That's sad little turtle.I'm sure you really were a good little boy.

I'm not sure who did more damage,my mother or my father.But I don't think I was a good little girl.