confessions of little turtle

sounds like you and your therapist have a good relationship

Little turtle - I love that you're not a "people pleaser" and don't simply say what you think people want to hear. And that you're kind but for the "right" reasons.

The maternal unit was skilled at looking "good" to most outsiders and was a "people pleaser" but not to me. Apparently, I wasn't "good enough" ******** GRRRRRRRRR

(This is not about anyone on pc)

hey fuzzy this is good....NOT GOOD ENOUGH...somehow I feel that about myself...not good enough....where did that come from...didn't measure up....
it must of come from my parents...I wasn't that bad a boy...I was bad but I wasn't a hateful kid...I was angry at my father most of the time...I think it came from him...I was not a big time worker.....I never measured up...well that now is there in my brain...my father is still there even tho he died a long time ago...

((((((( little turtle ))))))))

My father wanted me to be a doctor... I didn't work for my A levels (he had left by then).. so yes, intrinsically "not good enough". I wasn't even "good enough" for them to want to have another child

The reality was he continued having affairs when I was a baby, I think the mother thought having a baby may stop this but I wasn't "good enough" - wrong sex, not perfect looking (in her opinion, she had even decided what colour hair etc the baby should have...) (I was pretty and not a bad kid but I wasn't ..... )

Maybe it would have been better if she had "played with dolls" - they would never answer back, never want to be themselves (not a copy of the father...) (and having his "superior intelligence" but not his cruelty, bigotry and meanness...)

(((((Fuzzybear))))))

This is what I feel, Intrinsically Wrong. I can't get rid of it. Even T doesn't understand. It's not about what I do or don't do. I do lots of good stuff, and people like me. But they don't know. I looked for help from a spiritual leader, and that went very bad, very very bad. Having T is a little better, at least he doesn't attack me. But I still can't get rid of the wrongness.

people are right there to attack or blame or to take you down...maybe we can help each other so that we don't take ourselves down...I have the intrinsic [not good enough] thing...the intrinsic [wrong]thing is maybe different...can you say more

I'm not sure. Maybe it is different. I thought it might be the same, or similar. It has elements of [not good enough] but it also has [born wrong] in it. Like no matter what I ever do, it can't be changed. Even though I keep looking for ways to get rid of it.

it may be difficult to say more...my father didn't want me...I was a pain in the a.. but I was a good boy...I did so called bad things...but I was a good boy...I got hit when I shouldn't have been...I hated him..he was my father...I wanted him to love me....he never showed it...I just remember the hits and the[ not good enough]..

I can relate (((((((( little turtle ))))))))

can you say anymore ...it sounds important

I'm not sure. When I think about it, all I can think about is all the times I've reached out for help and the horrible ways I've been treated. Like I'm wrong. I shouldn't exist. Maybe it's just that people don't know how to respond. Everything is fine as long as I hide who I am. Don't share my past, don't get too close, don't ask for help. Cause once I do, people don't know how to handle it. Then I feel like some monster. Wrong.

there is an old indian story of a guru who has no tongue....all the people went to him to tell their troubles...

I feel very sorry for the experience you have had telling your story...

I think you have a point here. People with no experience of bad upbringing, no experience of fighting to survive, will not understand. Some might still understand because they do have burdens to carry themselves. When these people, on top of these hidden burdens get someone else's as well, they are too exhausted to carry more.

I think that if one can understand these two "elements" one is nearer to a better life than ever before. We have forums like these where we can share, but my experience is that if we rid ourselves of the hope that we might find somebody who understands in real life, we will feel much better.

There are so many factors that cooperate to make a depression going ( from genetic to social happenings and hurt). To drop the expectations of being understood and tell oneself that I'll beat the depression from here, step by step is hard, but as far as I understand: the only way to a better life with depression and other MI health problems.

To be honest, I think that the decision to take full responsibility for one's life regardless of whatever other people think (inclusive careless therapists) about us is a crucial stepping stone ....

I have found it workable to set apart a special time a day to work on all the hurts. So if old or new hurts present themselves during the day, I say to these thoughts/feelings: "Please stay away, I have no time for you now, but am glad to hear you through to night at seven o'clock.

It took me a long time to make such a strategy work, and I hope it will work for others as well.



PS. I did draw gravestones with my computer once and wrote the names of people who had hurt me: Started to know (date), Stopped the relationship with (date) or is dead to me from now on (date). It worked because I went back to all these "gravestones" and did the grieving there and only there, one by one.

I use the word "grief" because hurts from others in some way feels almost similar to the grief we have when someone dies.

To me it has always been a question about using the right tools for me, not about if others likes me or understands me. (That "method" has given me some good relationships). How well do we really understand the people we know ....

I was out for a walk and I started to cry about all of the people that have died...
it was good for me to feel this sadness rather than holding it in....
I can remember a long time ago an old family doctor told me---------------

the sorrow that has no vent in tears makes other organs weep...

I think this doctor was right

Where have the good doctors gone

(There are still a few,...)

All the people who have died, it makes me so sad too

fuzzy says--Where have the good doctors gone

(There are still a few,...)

fuzzy the doctors need our help...the system sucks...doctors need to strike..
the good ones are out there but they are caught in a stranglehold of drug companies and bad government and greedy lawyers ...and cheaters

Yes - grrrrrrrrr

What med "saved my life" ?

None - in fact I think they made things worse.... screwed up my body as well as my mind further

You have probably right!

"The Body Keeps the Score" I am reading this book now, and it is true.

My T told me long ago the mind may forget but the body "never forgets!"

psychiatry is very very disordered....it is no longer psychiatry....
psychiatry is not a profession...it is a business....
when I went into psychiatry 55 years ago the human being was still human...
now we are a number...

psychiatry is supposed to be a medical discipline that integrates psychology and neurology..now it is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
they will probably take this thread out...because it may be too disturbing..
but we need to know reality so we can recover from our own depression...

May be so, may be so ...

But I think that inside the system there are some good therapists really interested in their patients ...

probably the most traumatic thing that happened to me was my very FIRST PANIC ATTACK..
it was out of this world.....it almost seemed like a seizure....it made my life very different..
I don't think it was all due to neurotransmitters...

My God! It's the same with me. Now every morn I have continuous sinking and terrifying feelings with palpitations. It's as if I will be executed in a short while. It's so silly, but it's not in my hands. It seems to be physiological. I toss and turn in bed for a couple of hours before I can get up and carry on with my daily routine that me and my therapist have chalked out for me. The same thing happens in the aft. My 1mg of lorazepam per day is not working. I will have to take my doc's advice about increasing the benzo dose.

Can you help me by telling me how you dealt with panic attacks? I feel so utterly hopeless - as if the depression and panic attacks wont go away ever.

it is an awful problem to deal with....I used an antidepressant and a benzo for my meds....I tried to learn as much as I could about cognitive behavioral therapy....it all helped...but you have to find what works for you