blech....stormy weather

guiltier65 · Apr 27, 2016, 09:44 AM

I'm not having a stellar day today. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and it just seems beyond pointless. He just gives me a checklist of expectations and then tells me I'm doing fine. No, i'm not doing fine. I have been without meds for most of a month because insurance won't authorize and antidepressant. I'm still alcohol free, but my smoking is running rampant. I'm beyond irritable, the old rage is starting to resurface. I feel so empty and alone. People ask how i am, but they don't want the truth. Dr. wants me to reach out to people and do something fun. But I just can't face the fear of rejection or the possibility that I'll let them down when I start isolating again. It is hard to explain how I'm feeling. I'm fighting with the pain of the past and i don't know why it is necessary to rehash my lonely childhood to begin the healing process. All this muckraking does is make me tense and makes the desire to isolate more strong. sorry for the rant... just don't know how to deal with the pain.

guiltier65 · Apr 27, 2016, 11:45 AM

isn't it sad that as i log back on, I look to see if anyone has responded to my post and if not.... I wonder if I did not express myself well enough... or write it well enough... etc. it couldn't just be that people are actually busy with their own lives and their own crap..... how pathetic i am today. take care all.

Apr 27, 2016, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guiltier65

isn't it sad that as i log back on, I look to see if anyone has responded to my post and if not.... I wonder if I did not express myself well enough... or write it well enough... etc. it couldn't just be that people are actually busy with their own lives and their own crap..... how pathetic i am today. take care all.

Give peeps time Guiltier. They'll be around and, you did express yourself clearly. Sometimes psychiatrists can be cold.

guiltier65 · Apr 27, 2016, 01:19 PM

Thanks Herculepoirot! as i said i'm just being a wee bit pathetic today. I am not always the most patient of souls.

elevatedsoul · Apr 27, 2016, 01:42 PM

im sorry, i wanted to respond earlier! but i forgot... or ya know, i dunno what happened *rolls eyes*

omg i hate it when they do that stuff to you, my old pdoc did that stuff to me the entire time, he would tell me how a medicine is effecting me, how my mood is what im feeling, tell me what i need to do, tell me that i am fine and seem to be doing much better, and i was just like dude wtf? at the end my blood pressure started elevating everytime i went in to meet him because i knew what he was going to say and how he was going to treat me... my blood pressure now easily gets over 150/110 when i go to appointments because of this.. the nurses always look at me like are you ok? and im like sure, im fine, can i change my medicine?

it sucks when you have to do without the meds... especially when they do help a little, even if just a little... its really nice that you are staying sober, i lose that battle super easy and throw in the towel and just turn up whole bottles of wine :/ but my coping skills suck apparently

do you like your pdoc? is there any way you can get on a patient assistance program?
i did a few PAPs and they gave me the meds free..
RxAssist - Patient Assistance Programs
the nurse filled out all the paperworks for me... they had me on Zyprexa, strattera, and i think one more i cant remember... all through those programs so i could get them free since i didnt have any insurance or income... you have to qualify for it but maybe you could...?

i wish you felt better, has a big warm hugz for you
blech....stormy weather

just stay in motion

sunbeem · Apr 27, 2016, 01:57 PM

Hey just writing to let you know I am here and I have been in the same place you are. What I wonder is can you find a new Pdoc I don't like the way yours treat you. Do you also have a therapist. Childhood trauma is a hard one I know that because I have problems with that also. You need to find somehow to start the pills again. Elveateadsoul gave you the name of a program that you should look into.

guiltier65 · Apr 27, 2016, 02:34 PM

I do have a good therapist that I've been with for a long time. I will check into the patient assistance plans. It just frustrates me to go back and deal with gark that i should have dealt with a long time ago. I don't know what I expect from the psychiatrist but a to do list wasn't what i had in mind. He didn't even ask if i was taking my meds yesterday when I saw him. I do see my therapist tomorrow, so I will endeavor to be more honest with him about my level of blechhh....

Apr 28, 2016, 01:30 AM

Hate to say it, but of course the childhood stuff is what has to get addressed . . . that's when the foundation of the very people we are is laid. A lot of kids' stuff is just kids' stuff, but a lot of it is at our core regardless of our age. So, don't be hard on yourself for needing to face what happened decades ago - it's normal. Not fun, but normal.

guiltier65 · Apr 28, 2016, 08:12 AM

Thanks Onward, I tend to be impatient with the process of dealing with these old hurts and expect instant relief. I am trying to be kinder to myself today and realize that these hurts and beliefs have shaped my view of self. So I'm going to see my therapist today and look at them through the lens of adulthood and maybe rob them of some of their power over me.