[guiltier65]

today is one of those days that just make me want to curl up in a ball and die.... no,i'm not overtly suicidal, but if a truck pulled out in front of me, I probably wouldn't move an inch. everything feels so pointless and hopeless. I feel like part of the furniture. i just exist.... why? People are irritating me by breathing, i long for silence and peace. But the silence just gives me more time to think about the vacuum that is my life.....i feel so empty and lost today. I am 50 years old with very little to show for my life. i have no dreams left, certainly no dreams of a life filled with hope let alone joy. what is the point to continuing this fight?

[dexter]

{{{{{guiltier}}}}}

[DayAtATime1]

guiltier65 - I feel much the same way. I tell my T "I don't want to live and I don't want to die". Wish I had something more uplifting to say. "Vacuum" is a good word to describe my life too. My current bout of depression is going on over 3 yrs. somehow I still hold on to a shred of hope that my life will get better. Just started seeing a new pdoc and hope he finds better med(s) for me. I'm 57 and feel like life has passed right by me.

Is there anything that gives you some hope, no matter how small?

Hang in there (hmmm, poor choice of words)

[Fuzzybear]

Hi, I will throw some ideas your way. When we stop comparing ourselves to others like what i should have accomplished being this old, it frees us from self condemnation and from validation of others. When we stop thinking or caring what others think about us then it frees us to be ourselves and to enjoy ourselves. This is a definite for healing. It doesn't mean isolation it means you can be around others and hear them talk and still feel good about yourself because others do not define you, you do. That is the biggest lesson i learned in dealing with depression, disappointment and anger. I hope this helps.
And another thing is what some people wouldn't give to live one more day, to see the sunshine or smell the fresh air or to hear a bird sing but one more day... these are blessings, gifts that are ours for the taking and enjoying... tc

[Clara22]

Sometimes I feel the same. Sending you a big hug

[DayAtATime1]

Omega - you raised some good points. But I find depression numbs me so much that I can't appreciate anything!

[annoyedgrunt84]

I have this very distinct vision on my worst days of just curling up into the tightest ball I possibly can and staying that way.

[DayAtATime1]

I feel the same way AnnoyedGrunt84 - during the day I want to escape by just assuming the fetal position in bed. My favorite part of the "day" - nighttime, when I get to escape this madness for another 8 hrs.

[guiltier65]

I've thought a lot about what Omega had to say. I probably do spend too much time comparing myself to others. I'm not the person I'd hoped to be. I have much to be thankful for, but it only makes me feel worse when i think about the parent I was.... so angry and occassionally abusive. I sought help, but the damage is done. Now they are grown and the guilt/shame threaten to bury me alive. I know that living in the past is pointless and i don't usually do that. But, right now I can't seem to stop these thoughts and the hopeless spiralling. I feel so alone, because i am stuck in the same old hole that i've been in so many times. everyone is sick of the same old tune, with a new chorus.