[guiltier65]

I realized while i was sitting here pondering the futility of life... that i am a slave to fear. i was attending a 12 step group,but have not gone to it in 3 weeks ( just another failure in my eyes.) because digging into the past is just too painful. I couldn't allow myself to reach out to others and be vulnerable, because of my stubborn pride. so the pain was too much to bear and like a coward, instead of sticking with it, i gave up and walked away. I say I want to change, to grow, to improve; but my actions don't follow my words. My fears rule and continue to do so until I make the choice to deal with my past and not let it define me.... but how do i do that and not get lost in the pain or spend my time blaming those who hurt me without conscious knowledge? How do you acknowledge the past without blaming/getting lost? feeling so confused and tired right now.

[Onward2wards]

I hear you. If I had a penny for every "I love you" I've been afraid to say, every "Seriously, get off my foot - and leave that other person alone, too!" I've never had the gumption to utter, everything I've ever wanted to go for that I haven't, I'd be buried in copper right now!

Sometimes you just have to get so fed up with it, you shout "ENOUGH!!" and start LIVING. Hold on to those moments and feed them. You owe it to yourself and anyone whose life you may touch. I wish you all the best.

[Frankbtl]

Hi guiltier,

The fact that you haven't been to the group in three weeks because digging into the past is too painful, in my eyes, does not make you a failure
The past can sometimes be incredibly painful, and it can be a natural sense of self-preservation/protection and a completely understandable fear that puts the brakes on going too deep into it..........the fact that you're struggling with it is completely understandable
But you have been trying, and you have reached out to others and made yourself vulnerable to us on here too...........just that sometimes it can be a journey acknowledging and dealing with the past, and you need to go at your own pace and maybe have the right support in doing that. Going at it faster than you're ready to can cause you even more problems than you'd otherwise have
So..........it definitely sounds like you needed a bit of a break from the group and the pressure you've been feeling yourself under...........but now...........how about going to the group "just to be there", just to feel the kind of support they can offer for when you're ready to go just a little deeper into your past??
There shouldn't be any expectations on members of any group to "go further than they are willing/able" so no need to say more than that.........it's just you're there and they're there for you if/when............as are we

Alison

[Fizzyo]

I agree with Alison,

If the group can't let you progress at your own speed when it comes to facing the past, is there another one who can?

I don't have answers but I feel for you and wish you the strength to continue. You have been so strong to get this far with all your experiences and how you feel.
You're still here!