[thephilosopher6]

I don't know where to post this so I posted it here.

I think I've totally just given up on life. I am doing horribly in school because... well... I have no motivation for it anymore. I probably will not graduate this year. I've lost all my friends from socially isolating myself these past few years. I'm ugly too. I hate myself and the way I look. I wear makeup for Gods sake and I'm a guy. But even my makeup doesn't hide it all. I've never even had a girlfriend despite me really wanting one. The only escape I have is by reading books, listening to music, or even writing some of my own stuff. But guess what? My writing is terrible and I know it. I could never match up to authors such as Tolstoy or Dostoevsky or Goethe or Kafka or who ever. I am a failure at everything I do. So... I give up! I'm done! I'm done with it all. I don't care if I end up homeless or die a virgin because I'm just a failure at everything and life is meaningless anyway.

"I don't need no arms around me, and I don't need no drugs to calm me. I have seen the writing on the wall." - Pink Floyd

Those lyrics up there perfectly describe my situation. Because I don't care. I don't need anything anymore. And now I'm also starting to think about suicide. I'm done with this cruel world. I hate it! I never win I just always lose! I'm a loser and I know it. Even my own parents think I'm a failure. My dad sometimes insults me behind my back. I overhead him one time calling me a "queer" and a "weirdo." Now I'm going to be that low life idiot living in his parents basement. I know this sounds like a rant and it is because I just needed to let this out somewhere. I know this probably sounds like stupid 1st world problems but I don't care it feels good to let this out even if it's over the internet.

[DayAtATime1]

Wow Philosopher, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight! Please give up on the idea of suicide! I know it feels like an easy way out. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about your feelings? Have you ever seen a pdoc? Between therapy and meds you likely will find a way to ease your pains. For what it's worth, I think your writing skills are very good! It's depression that is shading all your thoughts with grayness. Don't give up!!

[mizora]

I can relate to a lot of this, I too have been isolating myself and loosing friends. I also like to write. For years I used to feel the same way but recently I have decided I don't care, no one will probably ever read it but I enjoy it so I will keep going. I have gone over and re-written my novella twice, and it became better each time. You should keep doing what you like.
Don't be to hard on yourself, I tell myself at the end of the day no one is judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I have a new motto which is "Life is short." I have tried so hard for too many years to do my best to make others happy,I have decided to just let it go and try to enjoy the small things.
I too have been suicidal, if these feelings persist you should be seen in the ER. I have found antidepressants have greatly helped me in my journey, I am slowly finding reasons to live again and you will too. Please keep us posted, I hope you are feeling a little better. It's ok to rant, that is what we are here for

[12AM]

I am sorry you have to go through this, hope you feel better after you talked here Having unsupportive parents must be hard too. Our own parents shouldn’t mocking us, no matter how “weird” we are. If your parents mocked you then shame on them.

For me anything you said doesn’t sound stupid at all, and you are obviously not stupid, you are still in school but you understand Tolstoy and Kafka. As for your writing is not as good as them, first I say that those men you mentioned set the bar high for everyone. I am an aspiring writer and reading their books makes me feel like I should only write for a cheap celebrity gossip magazine, I have no talent at all infront of those great men. Second, I believe you know that Tolstoy’s teachers described him as "both unable and unwilling to learn” when he was still in school. If he gave up back then, we wouldn’t hear about his name now. Keep on reading, keep on writing, keep on doing things that you like even though it’s only work as distraction, and please keep on living.

[thunderpaws93]

First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you're feeling such pain. You're not alone, and you're not a failure. That is funny for me to say, because I constantly carry the burden of being a failure with me, but I think that's part of our disease: we are punished by a host of beliefs we carry about ourselves that aren't true. Others can see they aren't true, but we can't.

I also want to say I'm sorry that your father has failed you. Be clear about that. He's failing you if he can't see your value and your talents. And if he's calling you a queer and a weirdo that say FAR more about him than it does about you.

I want to challenge you a bit. Could you be a complete failure in school/life if you've read the likes of, or even if you KNOW the likes of, Tolstoy or Dostoevsky or Goethe or Kafka? What does it say about you and your capacity for learning, reading, curiosity, etc. that you would even know of those great authors? I'll bet you Trump never read Goethe or Kafka...

Finally, if you took the time to write here and express the depth of the pain you're feeling, you haven't completely given up on life. Just your writing here is a sign that somewhere, maybe deep and hidden away, you know there is life worth living, and you want support and help in finding that life.

Thank you for writing. It wasn't even a week ago that I was asking myself some of the same questions. But you help me remember that I'm not alone, that I'm not crazy, that I'm not a failure for being depressed and believing the lies I tell myself. I need help, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure or that I'm not worth saving or that I can't contribute wonderful things to the world.

Please keep reaching out...

[thephilosopher6]

Originally Posted by DayAtATime1

Wow Philosopher, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight! Please give up on the idea of suicide! I know it feels like an easy way out. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about your feelings? Have you ever seen a pdoc? Between therapy and meds you likely will find a way to ease your pains. For what it's worth, I think your writing skills are very good! It's depression that is shading all your thoughts with grayness. Don't give up!!

A while back I went to my school counselor because I needed someone to speak to about my dad. He is verbally abusive to me a lot and has been since the day I entered high school. We talked about it and guess what? Nothing happened... She told me she would report it but I guess she never got to it or forgot because nothing happened. So I continue to live with my a hole dad. I would move out but my current job sucks and I'm probably not graduating from high school this year due to me losing my motivation this year. So I am basically broke and don't have anywhere to go.

[thephilosopher6]

Originally Posted by 12PM

I am sorry you have to go through this, hope you feel better after you talked here Having unsupportive parents must be hard too. Our own parents shouldn’t mocking us, no matter how “weird” we are. If your parents mocked you then shame on them.

For me anything you said doesn’t sound stupid at all, and you are obviously not stupid, you are still in school but you understand Tolstoy and Kafka. As for your writing is not as good as them, first I say that those men you mentioned set the bar high for everyone. I am an aspiring writer and reading their books makes me feel like I should only write for a cheap celebrity gossip magazine, I have no talent at all infront of those great men. Second, I believe you know that Tolstoy’s teachers described him as "both unable and unwilling to learn” when he was still in school. If he gave up back then, we wouldn’t hear about his name now. Keep on reading, keep on writing, keep on doing things that you like even though it’s only work as distraction, and please keep on living.

That's the first time I have ever heard someone support me with writing. Reading and writing are my only escape now. But I look at my writing and compare it to their works and see just faliure. I once wrote a short story that was about 70 pages. I read through it but it was just terrible. I hated it so much I deleted it all! I still write very short storys or poems. But they're moslty for me to help vent out my emotions of anger or sadness or just complete despair. Because those are the feelings I have felt the most these past few years.

BTW, I just looked at your profile, 12PM. I am sorry you suffer from so much. In comparison to me my problems are stupid.

[12AM]

Originally Posted by thephilosopher6

That's the first time I have ever heard someone support me with writing. Reading and writing are my only escape now. But I look at my writing and compare it to their works and see just faliure. I once wrote a short story that was about 70 pages. I read through it but it was just terrible. I hated it so much I deleted it all! I still write very short storys or poems. But they're moslty for me to help vent out my emotions of anger or sadness or just complete despair. Because those are the feelings I have felt the most these past few years.

You can PM me and we can talk about writing if you like. I would love to read your short stories and send you mine too

Oh and don't think like that please, that my suffering is harder than you, that's not true. Everyone is fighting, everyone is struggling, there is no such thing as stupid problem

[thephilosopher6]

Originally Posted by 12PM

You can PM me and we can talk about writing if you like. I would love to read your short stories and send you mine too

Oh and don't think like that please, that my suffering is harder than you, that's not true. Everyone is fighting, everyone is struggling, there is no such thing as stupid problem

I suppose you're right. Still though, having a Psychotic disorder does not sound fun at all. I am sorry you go through such things.