[guiltier65]

I just saw the question about " what keeps you from taking the final step" I don't know that i believe that suicide is the unforgivable sin, but i don't want to take the risk just in case. No, i'm not being glib or casual about it, but I'm honestly afraid that hell or the afterlife could be even worse than my experiences on my worst days. I have talked to my pastor and asked him how he knows that it is not God's will for me to die by my own hand( he really didn't have much of an answer). But I am enough of an optimist to hope that the sun will shine again. okay enough on that front.
my husband just realized yesterday that i have been off medications for about 6-8 weeks because of insurance issues. So, he thinks i need to call my psychiatrist immediately to get back on something. I disagree. I won't say it's been all sunshine and rainbows, but all in all; I've been able to muscle through it. I am still sober, though I do have a retirement party that is going to be a challenge. I haven't been attending my step class, because i just haven't had the energy/strength. But I have made it through each day in one piece. Maybe i am just delusional and not doing as well as i think i am. i just don't know anymore.

[ExhaustedMom]

I have never taken that final step because of my kids. When I would start thinking of ways to do it, my kids would popup into my mind. Then, I'd say to myself "I can't do that to them". I will traumatize my kids for life. My love for them is the reason why I'm still here today. They need their mother.

When I had my first depression, I started taking antidepressants when I started having suicidal thoughts.

This time around, (second depression), I started taking antidepressants when I was crying every day. It helps me stabilize my mood somewhat so I'm not crying at work! My dose isn't as high as the first time.

I just take it one day at a time.

The only advice I can give you is to pay attention to those internal thoughts in your head. In my case, sometimes, it helps me see how I truly feel. Disappointment, helplessness, etc...

Possible trigger:

During my last hospitalization another patient and I discovered a patient who had committed suicide (hanging).

It wasn't just the two of us and the fellow's family that were affected. Every patient on the ward, every nurse and healthcare provider. Each of them would have taken it home and shared their shock with their loved ones and friends and so on and so forth.

I saw first hand how such a thing spirals out and affects many. Having been part of that, I could never do that to someone else.

[Skeezyks]

Hello guiltier65: The Skeezyks isn't on any med's at this point. I don't see a therapist. I still technically have a pdoc. But I'm only planning to see him once or twice a year, just to keep my foot in the door, so to speak. I just gut it out one day after another. I make it through each day in one piece, as you wrote. It's never sunshine & rainbows for me either. Personally I don't know how I'm doing. I don't really even spend too much time thinking about it. It just is what it is. Psych med's have never been of much help & therapy has been a waste. The good thing, in my case, is that I'm getting older & probably don't have all that many years left to worry about. So in the meantime, I simply strive to accept where I'm at... with lovingkindness & compassion. Anyway, I know where you're at... I'm there too...