[Christina86]

And now I actually notice it. A lot.

Bad thoughts creeping into my head. Have said some stuff to people I regret now ... people get worried enough about me as is, and I go and make it worse. Just want to continue to drink until I cant feel the pain anymore. Could do far worse to myself physically - but I wont spell that out (nothing suicide related). Want to stay in bed all day. I'm actually at the point where I can barely smile (just to be polite) ... that doesn't happen very often. Can't keep my story straight to lie so people dont worry. Cant take care of myself. I know I should eat and sleep and try to function - I just dont see the point anymore. All the thoughts in my head that tell me I'm bad and worthless are winning - and it doesnt even matter that intellectually I know better.

Crying myself to sleep. Hate crying in public, hate crying in front of people and yet I've done both this week. Why is life so hard. I'm sorry for complaining so much recently and for being 'emo' and for wasting everyones time.

I cant find a way to really reach out. I dont want to upset anyone or waste their time when i should just suck it up and deal with my life and my problems. Good for nothing b!&*$ that I am. I cant help anyone. I see everyones pain in their posts here and I cant say anything comforting because I just cant formulate thoughts. This post in itself is like a rambling free association exercise - just happens to also have punctuation for once.

I'm sorry for being me.

I dont know how my friends or my T or my chaplain are going to help me out of this. I dont know if I'll even tell them how bad it is right now. I cant risk people finding out that I'm weak and selfcentred and just generally a subhuman being who doesnt deserve anything good to happen to her ever.

Yes, I know this is post is full of cognitive distortions. I just dont care. Whats the point of just being numb... apathy, I think. I'm on my way there.

I feel like going and hiding but since I can never do that I'll just sit quietly in my corner and try very hard to be a good friend and to 'fix myself'.

I'm sorry. I love all of you. I just dont and never will love me.

[RebbieDoll]

im so sorry you're feeling so awful but you arent wasting our time. we all love you. i wish i could help more, but im not very good at that. (((((((((canders)))))))))

[Sabrina]

Oh Hon! I am sorry you are feeling this way! I don't even know what to say to you! I totally understand hiding - I do that often. Please try to keep safe, ok?

(((Christina)))

[snowflake_48888]

Don't ever think you are wasting people's time by posting your feelings. Your feelings are very valid to you and yes...I can relate. I have a hard time just liking myself let alone love myself.

I hope in the next few days your pain will give you some relief if not complete relief.

Take care of yourself (((((canders7)))))
Snowy

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry sweetie, I wish I could help (I feel somewhat "useless" particularly lately)
Keep working in therapy and one day you will be able to love yourself (at least I think you will)

(((((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))

I think you are sweet, wonderful and trying so hard.

I will sit in that corner with you. I will let you rest. Sometime that's what we need to gather our strength so that we can move on and see the small beauty of this world.

((((((((((((Canders)))))))))))

[Christina86]

Thanks all you lovely people... I'm so tired right now so can't respond individually (I will later) but all I get is worse news.

Its posted in Grief. My heart feels like it's been ripped out, stomped on and broken into little tiny pieces.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))

First of all i'm really sorry for the loss of Zippers .... i'm sure that is not helping matters at all right now

Secondly, i wish SO so so badly that i could take away even just a little bit of the pain that you are experiencing right now. I hate to see you hurting so badly

Please don't appologize for being you. The fact that you are YOU is what makes people here (especially myself) love you so much. And this "you" that you are ... well don't give up on her. Fight for her. Work with your T, with your chaplain, with whomever because she is worth it. You are worth it plus so much more Christina.

Don't worry about crying .... crying is the body's way of expressing emotions that clearly are being built up inside you. Don't deny them .... holding back your tears only makes things worse than holding them in.

Please try and take care of yourself. If not for yourself, do it for me. Do it for your boy. Do it for all the people that care about you. Take things one step at a time. You can do it, i have such strong faith in you Christina.

PM or msg or whatever if you want to talk.
Sending gentle hugs and love
Jacqueline

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))))) You are such a wonderful person. I hope soon that you will be able to see that too. I am so sorry that right now things are so hard. Please take care.

BB

[Christina86]

((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))

Thanks all of my lovely friends. Your words mean so much to me, I'll try to remember all of the positive stuff.

((((((((((chanders)))))))))))

[Soidhonia]

(((CANDERS))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. I sincerely hope that if things do not improve within a few days you will contact your therapist, so your therapist can help you during this time of need. I h ope things get better for you soon (((CANDERS))). Soidhonia

[sassypants]

Please don't ever feel that you have say your sorry for your
true feelings. Cry if you have to. I did a lot of that for the
last two months,because my med's were not working.

I want you to know that you are loved by many people.

Please take care of yourself. Wish I could make your pain
go away.

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((((((all))))))))))))))

I did some blabbering to a couple of friends and drank some booze that I probably shouldnt, but oh well. I may feel better now. I really can't tell.

Thanks for your support