worse and worse

I find it even hard to type tonigh. The anguish is crippling.
I hear people say that depression is a mesage, that pain can teach us something and make us stronger. I don't believe: it makes me even more scared and deprives me of any desire to live.

I haven't been so bad since 2001, since I decided to undergo treatment.

I look around and see a lot of horrible things happening. People cope and somewhat evercome the problems. And if they can't, they just accept it.
I can't make any of this. I've NEVER been challenged by life so far, no important person died, I never hed serious illness, I've never been hospitalized...

And still the mere idea of disgrace can crunch me easily. And many events are unavoidable. People seem smarter, tougher, competent, I feel like I am in a world of aliens and I'm less endowed with stamina and resilience. I know there are other sufferers like me, but that only increases my sadness.
I must be careful showing love to my parents, because I instaltny dread the time when I'll lose them. I can't touch my cat, for the same reason.

This morning I woke up trembling and moaning, and spent the day trying to keep desperation at bay. Tomorrow will be the same. I feel I can't do it. Right now I feel I can't do it.
I wish to die during sleep, I really want it. But I know my damn health won't let me.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I have read many of your posts and I see a great strength there.

Yes depression sucks but remember that mental health is up and down. Hitting the bottom you have to start coming up again.

Talk and talk, talk to T and use your best coping strats to get through this bad patch.

Thinking of you.

stefano i don't know you well, but like pegasus, i've seen a strength in you in your responses to others. you also were one of the first to welcome me back and for that i am grateful. each one of us must be here looking for a connection of some sort and in turn i extend my hand to you.

it is so ironic about depression that giving hope and help to others somehow strengthens ourselves even when we feel our weakest. could it be that in doing so we find that somewhere inside ourselves we do indeed have strength and hope.

if so, you have done so for others. the irony is that while we can do this for another, giving the same to ourselves is a bit more difficult. maybe you, like myself, are your own worst critic. if so, i implore you to take it easier on yorself. i once read "treat yourself as you would your own best friend". seems to make a great deal of sense.

i know sometimes we only need to release, not looking for any words of wisdom and certainly don't wish to hear yet another lesson that either doesn't apply or doesn't seem to help, at least not right this minute anyway.

so stefano, know you are amongst friends who appreciate the support you've given and who stand willing to return the same.

I have been where you are and deeper. I hope writing about it here helped a little. I can offer no words of encouragement because I don't know what they are. My heart genuinely goes out to you. Hold on.

(((((((( stefano ))))))

Let your cat touch you?

Or just pay attention to its behavior? One of mine lets me know when I have withdrawn too much -- she gets angry at me! Only temporarily. I know I need to pay attention to them. Even when it seems that's all there is in my life, I have them.

stefano.......no words can help you at this point.....i know that so well as i have just emerged from where you are......i so wanted to die and had no cares whatsoever of who or what i left behind.......at this the lowest point there is nothing we can do but try to get through each day......hoping (against hope sometimes) that tomorrow there will be a glimmer of light.......all i can offer you is knowing that i was able to get through it and more than likely...believe it or not.......so probably will you.......i want to relay something to you that perhaps will make you think.....this morning my sons house caught on fire......he came home to it in flames with his wife and young daughter and son asleep inside........a half hour more and i would have lost 3 of the most precious parts of my life.....i imagine tonight if i had ended my life when i wanted to.........that,on top of what almost happened today...how would they have gotten through it???

((((stefano)))) i totally understand. been there too many times.

Thank you all. I read your responses carefully, and I take the best of them. I know you have to feel frustrated, exactly like when I was feeling well and could not relieve enough other people's pain.

I know I sounded strong. I actually felt a little strong, because I was managing depression somehow. But his time it is just too strong. I'm knocked down. I can only suffer, wait and raise my Lamictal as prescribed.
I was not so bad since 1994, my first episode.

Now I understand those who injure themselves. If I had a feeling that scars could relieve my anguish, I would do it gladly. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel it would not change anything.

My despair is so deep that I even fear to get well... because then I will feel bad again and regretting the good time like I'm doing now, this exacerbating sense of loss. I don't know what to hope, I just close my eyes and breath deeply. Nothing happens, nothing changes.

Thank you for being there, my friends
Don't be frustrated, it is the nature of this damn Thing that nothing can help when the storm really blows

it's so horrible .isn't it stefano............the hopelessness......feeling nothing.........i understand and i care......