Random thought

Depression. That simple word flashed on my t.v. in bold, and it paused there for a second. There was no sound, plain black with a white background, yet it hit me so personally. Its almost as if I were seeing a reflection of myself on the screen. Like it was calling out to me, drawing me into it … it might as well of read “Jacqueline” for how much I felt connected to it. I think that once you’ve experienced it, it stays with you you’re whole life. Maybe it’s not always out in the open … maybe you don’t feel that way all the time, but it’s always there. Beneath the surface, a dull pain. It seems that way for me anyway.

And so I laid there just thinking about it. And it got me thinking about happiness in general. Whenever someone asks me how I’m feeling, I really have to think about it before I answer. I usually come up with a “good” or “I’m fine” so I don’t really have to think about the question and it normally leaves people untroubled as it is a common response. But if I were to actually ask myself that question, I don’t know how I would answer. Depression is something that I’ve grown accustomed to living with … so accustomed that I think it’s gotten to the point where it’s subconsciously engraved into my mind, distorting my views on how I’m actually feeling.

Is it possible to rid yourself of that feeling completely? It seems as impossible as willing a cut to heal on the spot. But I guess that is what depression is anyway. When you’re experiencing it its red hot and noticeable, but over time it gradually fades and what is left is a scar. A scar that may very well not be that apparent, but it is still there, beneath the surface … still a part of you, something personal, something not easily shed.

But these are just my thoughts … and I don’t know where I’m even going with this … it just struck me as something odd and I wanted to put it out there.

That's really thought provoking..... I don't know the answer, sorry. Maybe it is possible to rid oneself of the depression whilst still having depressive tendencies or a higher risk of re-occurence than those that were never depressed?

You're not alone, jacq ((hugs))