[whitt]

So I can now write in a brief moment of sanity i guess...

I'm just so tired, every time I get stressed or emotional, I get sick, If i get fatigued I get sick, writing this, I get sick.

First starts with confusion and some fealing of fear, mind goes blank, then I feel exhuasted. IE I got up this morning, felt refreshed after 12 hours of sleep finally, try to go get something to eat start and to walk over to the pantry, feel stressed, mind falls into a haze, forget what I was trying to do, then when mind clears up and I remember again, I'm exhausted, and turn back to sleep another 2 hours...

Even writing this, I am taking brief breaks, forgetting what I'm writing about, starting over again, becoming exhausted.

Been to many doctors over the past 7 years, psycologists, counselors, neurologists physicians... Been in a mental hospital 3 times... Had to go to the ER last week after I got too weak to stand up and collapsed in a Wendys fully concious the entire time, trapped in myself. The ems people measured my blood sugar which was normal, bloodtest was normal, potassium levels normal, while The doctors thoughts? Go see a
neurologist as he didnt know what it was... Too bad I have no insurance to go to one any longer since the last 3 times I've tried going to community college has failed when I was no longer able to concentrate on anything, no amount of adderall could help me and insurance doesnt cover those not students at my age of 22...

Bah, I keep having to reread this as I get tired and forget what I am trying to say...

Anyhow, I went on this medication, Imipramine, and it made the problem severely worse, I couldn't get out of bed without having an episode of weakness and so on, I had to have my mom help me out of the restuarant we were in as I was too weak to get up and just about collapsed there... I think now that they may be very mild seizures but I dont know, things dont quite add up, I've been researching partial paralysis and its causes and everything is ruled out now but that, as potassium levels are fine, blood sugar is fine,(both measured right after my last episode to the ER) but a seizure doesnt seem to be likely idk, I've had an eeg twice a MRI Cat and CT scan all showed up fine. My last few doctors just seemed to think I was imagining things or not taking medication properly...

Should I still keep trying to take the Imipramine? It feels as if another day of that and I'll be in the ER again... I dropped that and the paxil I was previously on and after a day, was dizzy, weak, my head was throbbing, and I was about to collapse and throw up, thought it was the flue but as soon as I took part of a paxil the dizzyness and queazyness is almost gone now...

I'm just so lost now, Its been so many years and nothing has changed, In fact my symptoms are getting worse, along with no insurance and a large medical bill from having to go to the ER. I cant hold a job and all of them have ended within weeks or months the same way, I get weak, cant think clearly and just drop to the floor. Sometimes I feel I'm just purposely getting sick, and the only way out of this is death... Only thing about death is I feel I died years ago, my soul seems gone and I doubt who I am and if what i think is real anymore... I can't kill myself, I am already dead... that and my family is probably the best and most supportive I could ever hope for, probably the only thing that keeps me alive right now. I'm so tired I cant hold conversations with friends anymore, I've been trying for months to get the strength to post on some forums as leaving my house by myself is near impossible these days. I've lost all my friends from this, I'm just too tired to even respond to them. If I were to see a girl that I liked, and wanted to talk to her, it triggers an episode and I have to run away before I collapse.

I feel so lonely, though I am surrounded by friends I cant talk to, as it triggers an episode sometimes mid sentence, then I have to get somewhere safe and sit out the rest of it and am exhausted when things normalize again...

I write this in hopes to more rationalize my situation. I dont have much time left. I only feel alive in my dreams when I sleep.

i'm not sure that i have answers for you but want you to know that i read your post and i care.....the only thing that stands out to me in your post is that you have been messing around with your meds...perhaps start taking them exactly as directed and see if that helps....let me know how you are doing........

[gostryter]

i'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad! keep posting here - maybe someone will have some advice that can help!! ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((WHITT))))))))))))

As far as the meds, I too can't give you answers. We/ most all here go thru what you do. I know this might not be what your want to hear, but we feel your pain. Know you should keep writing. I sit here and it's like pushing thru the fogg to get myself here. But I get here...

Wishen you betters days,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[wickedwings]

sounds like me in the last 3 months, except that i didn't collapse to the floor....????????????? weird, weird, weird. don't know what's up with that.

[whitt]

Thanks for the responses back, any comments have been a relief.

As far as changing meds on my own I only start changing my meds when I start to feel desperate, as I was today.

I've just become so sensitive these last couple of days, I cant even move without triggering an episode, once one starts its like a cascade of them keep hitting me one after another... After today I can barely walk...

Like today, went to the social security office to apply for disability, became a bit emotional and stressed, had to be helped out by my mom and an employee there as I was too weak to make it out on my own.

We went back to my moms work where I was supposed to change cars and drive back home, but was still feeling weak. Decided to stay awhile and eat at the mall, hoping I could relax a bit so I could safely get back home on my own. Well I was on my way toward my car and I started to feel the onset of it, I cant quite remember what triggered it but remember feeling a bit dizzy, confused and losing focus on my thoughts... Sat down and tried to rest, ended up spending the next 30 minutes struggling with myself not to collapse on the floor everything got so hazy and this was probably one of the most severe I've had in a while, one false move and I would have been on the floor, someone would have called an ambulance of which I cant afford to take again.

About 30 minutes after it started I could move again barely and called my mom, but everytime I started to move it seemed to trigger another episode, I felt like my arms and legs were weighted with bricks...

Ended up being wheeled around in a wheelchair to the car by security, but kept going in and out of smaller episodes on the way home.

Got home and I dont know if it was the depression setting in and making me emotional, in turn triggering an even worse episode, for the first time in a while I felt I was going to lose consciousness, so I asked my mom for a clonazapam I had lying around, helped a bit but I was still quite dillusional, I couldnt even think words in my mind they just scattered to a mess. Became suicidal for the first time in a while, but as things go I couldnt even sit up much less hurt myself.

Was feeling really desperate then, after some rest, managed to get to my car and got some clonazapam and diazapam I had from time before and took them both. My thoughts were that I either feel better, if my weakness was from seizures or pass out asleep as I couldnt take the emotions, thoughts and confusion running through my mind at the time. I've overdosed much higher before on both so I wasnt worried about other effects.

Turns out that after a bit of rest and those anti anxiety/anticonvulsants I'm better enough to write this, though I am still quite exhausted, dizzy and my arms and legs dont seem to cooporate well when I try to move around...

I dont know, I'm reaching a point of which seems to lead to the permanent end to my pain and existence or a new start and understanding. I just dont know, and I'm still feeling in a haze right now.

May not have been a good idea, but when I am stuck between suicide or self experiment I choose experimentation, as I would rather be throwing up, dizzy, with my head throbbing, seeing strange colors from side effects distracting me from my suicidal thoughts rather than death or constant suicidal thoughts at this point.

I'm just so lost, nothing makes sense...

Whitt:~)

In my opinon, stick with the meds all the time, take as the doctor order. I know for a fact if I miss a dose, I'll play catch up for two days. Can't say this enough, we DO know where your at in your head. Voices, leakness, confusion, just being plane screw up. We all have it. Don't be embrassed, you will work your way thru the maze. That's what I/we are here for. 24/7...... Staying on the fence is a hard place to be I have been there many times. I can speak with authority, talking of the S word, to me a selfish act. Pepole don't consider the fall-out of the act. It can't, won't be explained away for years.

The way I try to think, even though I ***** and moan here at PC, you/we are a moment away from a cure, or a med that will make things right. To me/us whitt, that's enough to make to the next minute ,hour or day...

[gostryter]

Whitt ~ sorry for the bad spell. i'm glad you felt well enough to post again!

i do agree with Tucker about the meds - if you're not taking them as the doctor prescribed they can hurt more than help. i'm only on zoloft and just started welbuttrin. but when i miss a dose of zoloft i can't stay awake the next day and feel like my brain's turned into fuzz!!

i totally understand where you're coming from with insurance and not being able to afford the help you need. perhaps there are some free resources/counseling in your community? your mom sounds like a wonderful support for you - perhaps you could ask her to help you look into that?

keep posting when you feel up to it!

[muse]

Have you tried just going off the meds entirely? It might be a stupid suggestion, but perhaps you're just really, really sensitive to them?

Luck&Love,
~muse

[whitt]

Well things are a bit better now, I took myself off of anything that I researched that could make a seizure worse, and am starting to stabilize. Most likely a really bad reaction to the Imiprimine, but I must say, its side effects are the exact thing I started taking the meds to stop but much worse. Talked to my doctor, luckily he called while I could talk, wasn't expecting it as most doctors I have to call, he just called out of concern of how sick I've been yesterday and before. Though I was feeling at the bottom, talking with him gave me some hope of making it through as he understands what I've been trying to say and I think we are on the same wavelength, so to speak. Nothing worse than having a doctor that refuses to consider how I feel as some have before.

As others have said, yes the common thought is to not go off meds or change things yourself, and I would highly recommend no one do as I am doing, I am just trying to vent my feelings and this is just pure desperation. An example of this is someone I knew, I didnt really know what his issues were, but when he went off meds, he ended up physically attacking someone in an argument, then started fighting against a police officer. Things did not go well. I met him about 6 months later, he didnt seem to recognize me...

I have gone off for a period of 1 or 2 months in the past, everything is fine until I encounter any stress or emotional situations, then I get a full out episode. Though after starting these last couple medications, I've become even more sensitive to any triggers. As is why I am changing so much myself now, I'm losing control over what is left of my mind and I need it, without it I don't have a chance.

However, over the years I can say I have developed a trust in myself over my doctors, 5 years ago, when I was exhausted and tired, and wanting to just die, and a doctor says, oh its just a phase, your weakness is just your imagination... So its going to be a phase lasting over 6 years of me imagining some disorder? I cant take any more of that BS. I cant take people telling me that what I feel is fake or imaginary, so many years of that BS in school, at home... and I believed it then, nothing makes me more depressed or suicidal now then believing that all my thoughts and feelings are wrong. I was on lithium and started feeling these strange fearful feelings, the doctor then just told me that they were not a side effect of that medication and to keep taking a higher dosage, I became more fearful and no amount of anti anxiety meds or a change in thoughts could relieve it. Well after some research and inner thought over these years, a random feeling of fearfulness always precedes my episodes. If I were to truly be having seizures, lithium, from what I've heard can lower the threshold, so that may very well have explained what I felt, while my doctor just told me to take more of my anti psycotics, of which did nothing.

I now know better, what I feel is very real, all the hope I have left resides in myself and my current doctor, who luckily is the best I've had and in him is my best and last hope of getting better.

Anyhow, yes I'm riding the fence, I've considered my options, and have seen the reprocussions that follow, I can even imagine what will happen but I don't want to get into that darkness. Though, what is worse would be what I do if I were not to die and the last of my sanity is gone...

Sorry for some of the angry words to the responses but just so much has happened, theres nothing I haven't heard before, yet I feel I just need to hear something. Been becoming so disconnected from being unable to talk much to anyone these days, especially my true feelings, not watered down or sanitized as I have to around others. Scold me if you will, I may scold back, but I need it. Thanks for any words harsh or sympathetic.

[gostryter]

hi Whitt!

i'm so happy to hear you've found a caring doctor who may be able to help you! that's wonderful!!!

i know it's so hard to trust doctors....most people really. but sometimes i guess we just have to reach out and hope!! sounds like that's what you're doing.

keep connected with this doc and keep posting here!

and i don't think you have to apologize for anything you've said. it's obvious you are going through a really difficult time. no one is overly polite when they feel rotten!!

[Fuzzybear]

Depression can do weird things to a person. My husband is going through something similar. His is due to something in his past, but stress and depression alone can cause these problems. My husband has a conversion disorder. He can't use his legs at times, he has stroke like symptoms, weak and tired always, passes out almost daily, and he also has stomach pain. He has no control of any of this, and its not "in his head". Depression and stress just somehow miswire the nerons or whatever in the brain and the brain tells the body it is "sick".
It is important though to first have a physical doctor to rule out all medical possibilities. One test I reccomend you bring up to a doc is a tilt table test. they strap you to a table then stand you up and monitor blood pressure and heart rate. You may have Postural Orthostatic Hypotension. This basically means that blood pools in legs upon standing and cant get to the heart and brain fast enoug so you faint or near faint. Hope this helps.

[whitt]

Thanks for bringing up conversion disorder twirls. Read some about it and it really interests me, I've never heard of it before, though the symptoms also seem very similar to mine.

Reading about it on Wikipedia, I'm a bit confused on how best to deal with it. Though, I must admit my mind is a bit hazy and spinning right now and the insomnia and the feeling that my mind wont settle down sure doesn't help my thinking right now.

Since all treatments I've been under so far have not helped much, I've been trying to go by the process of elimination of causes and ways to deal with my symptoms. Kinda just taking a possible cause and making it into an axiom, and seeing what I can do to myself on my own to try to fix things. Though, after reading some on it I'm still confused as to what might best work for me if this were to be the issue.

On another note, I do get dizzy and faint if I stand up too fast but lying down when ill, doesn't seem to relieve any of the issues either so I'm uncertain on whether that is a possible cause, I will however try to remember to bring it up to the neurologist.

I have an appointment with a neurologist on Wednesday, and I have the feeling that conversion disorder is what will be told to me by the looks of it and the fact that nothing ever shows up on tests, but, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions right now.

Would you mind sharing some on maybe how your husband deals with conversion disorders symptoms? Is there anything that would best relieve the symptoms? Theres not much worse to me then when I go out to a public place, have an episode and just drop to the floor, I'm trapped and if I can't get up then end up going to the ER which I cant afford to do any more, much less bare the stress of not being able to even leave the house on my own without risk of collapsing and being sent to the ER or mental hospital, or having to be sent home in a police car... as in the past. I just want to be able to do things on my own and the shock of the more severe episodes lasts for days.

You can just reply to me through pm if you want but I'm just interested in what I could do if this were the issue.

I've never had any kind of severe emotional stress, besides maybe the long term effect from my parents divorcing, but to me, when I think about it, that doesn't seem to have bothered me much as I largely just ignored them and anything they said, when I was younger as they made no sense to me, and well still don't make much sense...

[gostryter]

whitt ~ i'm so glad to see you've made an appt with the doc. can't give up!! and maybe twirls' info will help lead to some relief for you. keep us posted on what happens wednesday! take care!!

[wickedwings]

this is interesting. makes me wonder. i've been tested for everything under the sun a year and a half ago for the neurological symptoms i had. turned out that the birth control pills i took caused me to have a stroke. i've had crazy symptoms with my depression since i hit bottom last april that made me wonder if something is really wrong. but, there isn't really anything wrong other than the depression messing up everything in my body. it's amazing that it can cause neurological symptoms. i haven't heard much discussion on this aspect until this thread came along. it's so dang weird, but it reassures me that it isn't anything oddball that my docs missed but the weird things that depression can do when it becomes extremely severe. i feel better reading this thread, for some reason, because i know now that i'm not the only one with crazy symptoms that comes with depression. i'm grateful to have you all discussing things, particularly this issue. i'm deaf and don't get much info in the 3d world. thank god for the internet - i don't care what anybody says that it's internet addiction. lol.

[wickedwings]

oh, keep updating on this issue. i'd like to know how you're doing and how you deal with these crazy symptoms. wish you the best.

To answer your question about how to treat conversion disorder. I don't have an answer because we are just in the begging of this. They think it is a buried memmory with my husband. I go to his therapy with him this is what the counselor asked. That way I force him to be honest about his feelings and behaviors. I also help him rember things that triggered episodes that he may not have realized himself.

Start keeping a journal of your symptoms what you were doing what time, what you were thinking, basically lots of details.

[whitt]

Thanks twirls, I think your suggestions are helping, they've at least given me a new route and new ideas to try.

I went to see a neurologist today, not done any tests yet, but I feel almost certain this will again, just result in a conclusion with no answer, and may not even rule anything out.

Though I have realized something now that gives me hope...

I will add this from my blog on myspace, as it might explain a bit more, possibly...

I'm finding poetry to now be a good outlet. There are many more on my page that explains things even more, if anyone wants to look, and I 've been keeping it very up to date.

Suprisingly, I've never been able to write in this way before... :

-------------------

In light of recent events, of last night and this morning.
I feel I may have found something that was lost over time.

I wont say what it is, as I don't fully understand yet, but it
gives me hope and ideas.

I will say it was a rough night last night, and stressful today,
Yet, I did something that changed the course of an episode,
I managed to keep some strength and control through it all,

somehow...

I'm yet again exhausted, but not before writing this:

The Maze:

I began this labyrinth with many companions,

Yet as I travel deeper,
Fewer and further between,
Are those that share my path,

Such that now I am alone.
Such that now I am desperate.

...

In good grace I hope to find,
That my lonely path may cross,
One taking the same desolate route,

May we converse and coalesce.

...

As many are here,
Along this maze,

Yet hidden in the fog,
We pass concealed.

Near,
We may be,
But cannot be seen,
May we find each other,
May there yet be comfort out of similar plight.

...

Along this long and winding path,
And through our unified efforts,
We may yet still find an exit,
To what we did not want enter,

Of this Maze we have created,
Of this trap seems no escape,
Let this place not be,
The end of our fate.

[meander]

I like The Maze.... well written and I can relate :-)