Eat me. Drink me. Bite me.

My mother keeps telling me "not to go down the rabbit hole."* That's her metaphor for depression.* Don't go down the rabbit hole, meaning don't get depressed about things or don't let things get you down. What she doesn't know is that I've been living at the bottom of a very deep rabbit hole for years now.* This time she was referring to the investigation at work and to not let it get me down.* I jokingly asked if it was "Eat me" or "drink me" to get out of the hole and my father says "bite me."* He made a funny (very out of character)...out of frustration with this work shite.

My new T asked me what I wanted to change and I said I wanted control of my emotions and to not be on the rollercoaster.* Then she asked me what the highs were like and I said, "not much better than the lows."* I think I need to explain it better.*

The whole rollercoaster, even the highest points, are inside the rabbit hole.* My baseline is depressed as ****.* The "lows" are gut wrenching, suicidal episodes of utter hopelessness and despair, where I'm at the bottom of the hole sticking my neck out, waiting for the Queen of Hearts.* So the "highs" are kind of numb, or a kind of muted depression.* There is no joy.* There is no happiness or hopefulness.* Just nothing.* Blah.*

After days of crying and feeling guilty about Jethro (my dog), this is where I find myself the majority of the time - numb.* Every now and then an emotion creeps in there, but overall...blah.* I think I kind of hit my limit and flipped a switch in my brain, night night.* I don't want to feel anymore so I fight it.**I have to work at it to keep that switch in the off position.**I'm not sure what's more exhausting, feeling my emotions, or fighting them. Either way, I kind of want to flip everyone off and say, "bite me."


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I'm not sure why there are *s all over the place in that post...?

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(((Superheroine)))

I know exactly how you feel. And I hate when people say stuff like that, like you can control the depression. We have no control over the disorder, that's why it's called a disorder! Geez. People can be so insensitive, especially family members for some reason.

Is there anyway you can ask you mom, politely, to not say that to you anymore? Tell her it's hurtful to you and you'd really appreciate it if she could understand that you don't have control over your depression and that phrase really upsets you?

I don't know how understanding your folks are. I doubt I could ask mine to stop saying the **** they do.

I hope it gets better, for us both.

Seesaw

Yep

You can no more "shake it off" (it = depression) than a person with a broken leg can walk it off or someone with dyslexia can just 'read right'

Or a cancer victim can just stop metastasizing (you know, that cancer would stop bothering you if you just accepted Jebus)

It is not a character flaw (I have those too, in abundance, but that is just a coincidence)

I'm just chiming in here because I love the "bite me" response. The rabbit hole that is depression is not pretend, nor is it funny.

Today's mantra: bite me.

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There are some metaphors that families that can last generations. Mine included. And when mental illness runs amok in those families, they have their own way to cope. I am sorry that you are always down in the rabbit hole. Unlike Bipolar Disorder, always having Depression as a baseline must be awful. Though I suffer through the highest of highs and trust me they are extremely painful, I could never understand being at a constant low. So, many hugs to you for being so tough.

With that said. I think it is absolutely adorable that you named your dog Jethro. As a "Tennessee Hillbilly", the name always makes me chuckle and smile.

And, "Bite me." well, many people would say that. Haha

i don't like the term "rabbit hole"

just thought i should say that