Hopeless

My therapist terminated me. He did/said other things too. It's completely destroyed my life. It hurts too much. I feel rejected, worthless, hated, meaningless, stupid, hopeless, and like a criminal. I feel like I have to try to kill myself soon. I have 2 plans. My psychiatrist knows, but I haven't been completely honest with him about my timeline and intent, otherwise he'll try and stop me. Every second is agony. I can't sleep. I try to cope, but I overdose. I cry always. I hate myself. I've been hospitalized 3x since. And now I'm supposed to be writing a complaint against him and I can't do it. I'm not reaching out for help. Nothing and no one helps. I need him. But he hates me, and doesn't care about me anymore. This is impossible. I made the stupid mistake of reaching out for help at age 19, and now 2 years later, as a result of therapy, I'm going to try to end my life. I thought he could help me; that he cared. He lied. He disappointed me. I couldn't be the perfect client. I don't know anymore what it's like to feel happy, and I wish to God that I could be one of those happy people in this world. I feel trapped, like this is the only way out. I'm on meds, I'm too afraid to try therapy again. I love my family, but I can't imagine a life anymore. I don't mean to make other people feel like they should give up. I don't mean to give up. I'm just tired.

I miss the old JD.

Hey Nymph,

I know you are struggling, and I am offering you all the hugs in the world right now

I am sorry you are going through this, but ending life is certainly not the answer. Keep writing. Write all your feelings and let it all out. There is another turn around the corner, don't give up.

I truly do hope things get better.

I can see you are hurting. I urge you to be honest with your psychiatrist. It's the only way that he can help you. Things won't always feel so bad. We recover from bad therapy. Hold on, there is hope in the future.

There are bad doctors out there but there are also good ones. The rejection hurts a lot and I was there for finical/insurance reasons. I gave up trying to get better for ten years and just overworked myself as a distraction. You can find help but in the meantime while you don't have strength to try keep yourself safe. Tell someone in your family that you are in a bad place. Hospitals are terrible and I felt like I lost some Sugimoto but they kept me safe at a time I wasn't sure what I would do to myself. It's scary to know you can attempt suicide and there is other ways to get thru it. Sometimes I just have to take things a day at a time and get thru the day. It feels like a full time job just doing that but if not for myself it is worth it to the ones I care about. They keep me going and I know if I wasn't here there lives would be twice as hard as mine and they would never be ok.

[hello Nymph..probaly i am not someone capable to give you the best advice due to primarily the very same problem,,,i am in constant pain and coping and all the time trying to avoid certain ideas that eventually will lead me to.....,,,
but perhaps because of all my own personal issues and having too been through a period with regular visits to my own psychiatrist,which i do not see anymore,,quitting the meds and so on.....i am tired of all that,,,
i am more or less determined,,,,i have made up my mind regarding some things,which obviously i will not mention here,i believe anyway that i can somehow help you a little bit thanks to my own experience through my own "nightmare" of a life that i have,,,i am pretty sure that i can comfort you at least a little bit...telling you for eks how to cope and overcome temporarily with some urges you might get,,hope you know what i mean,,,,,i am becoming such an "expert" in this area of hopelessness and despair,,,,i know them so damn well that i believe that they have been a close friend of mine,mentally speaking,all my life...
When someone like you is out there,,searching desperately for help,,,it breaks my heart and if you allow me,,,i will be here for you and talk to you whenever i can,,,,,
i wish you the best