I'm a Goner

I wish the people I cared about understood this. The smart ones took off and left me. Everyone still here thinks that they can save me somehow. No one can save me. I'm like a damn A-bomb and they need to get the hell out of the blast radius. Radiation will still hit them but at least they won't go down with me.
I'm tired of a lot of things, one of those things: Putting on a mask around people. I care about them, and they're not stupid; they know I hurt; but I can't let them see me how I really am. Not even my fiance's seen it and he sees the most of them all. If no one was around, I could finally let go. Give into the will that drives me downward. Just let go. But they have to let go of me first. Why can't they just let me fall? I'm not worth their happiness or their peace of mind. I'm not worthy.

I can so relate to this. I spent a long time pushing people away, or trying to anyway. But some people are stubborn...and care too much it would seem. I have spent the last year or so mending various bridges though. I figured if they won't leave my life I should make the most of having them, knowing that that there are people that care so much that put up with my ********. I try to lean on them when I need to, which is ridiculously hard and still a work in progress I guess. But I know they are there when I need them. And I think that helps.

It's hard to wear that mask and takes a tremendous amount of effort. Some places like work I have to look put together and don't have a choice there.

I stopped trying to hide it even though it is hard on those around me. It's hard for some people to understand how much you can hurt and not look like it. If it was a car accident then I think we would get more sympathy and understanding. I share how I feel with the ones I'm closet with and I don't feel like I have to hide or be ashamed of how I feel. The people that don't get it I don't talk with a whole lot.

Why can't you share with your fiance? In my marriage hiding my depression had unintended consequences, my wife didn't know what was going on and thought I had lost interest in her. I don't go into the fine details with her most of the time, but I do let her know how I am feeling. It's hard on her but it is who I am and she still loves me.

He knows the borderline of how I'm feeling. I don't hide my diagnoses from him but I also don't talk about them. Some things he just knows: She's cleaning, that's her anxiety going through the roof. or She doesn't want to go anywhere right now (nothing like her) must be her depression. and Well, she's kicking and screaming in her sleep, must be the PTSD.
I don't think he's really caught on to when I'm hallucinating. When I have an actual flashback, I can feel them coming, and I usually leave the room in case it gets too intense for me to handle and I get lost in it (which has happened before). He doesn't know how hurt I am because I just don't talk about it. What he knows now is all I can bare for him to know at the moment. I just can't let anyone know. It's weird and illogical for me not to talk about because I know I need to, but I just can't. It takes everything out of me to tell someone I'm just upset at the moment. I know that my fiance, while he doesn't know what I'm going through because he hasn't gone through it, he still listens and understands as much as he's capable. He really is a great guy but I can't see him upset. I won't.

I can understand that. When I started opening up to my wife I was on the verge of an anxiety attack and I don't normally have problems with anxiety. It was really hard.

Its really hard on her and she often feels helpless. I fear sometimes I make her depressed. The bright side is she knows and doesn't feel like it is her fault or a problem with her.

You know your life best and if you feel like not opening up more to him then it is probably the right thing to do.

The most helpful thing i've found is a friend that struggles with the same thing. She had some stuff happen in her life and isn't in a place to help me. We still talk but avoid anything about mental illness. I feel alone dealing with it.

i feel ya..