It's a lonely ol' night

So I spent most of the day taking it easy because of my sore back. As it got into the evening I texted a friend who lives near me and told him if he wanted to do anything tonight he should just let me know. So he says he's at the annual July 4th festival they hold here every year and I should come down and meet up with him. I hadn't really planned on going to it because I don't do well in crowds and around loud music, but I thought it would probably do me good to get out for a while, so I went there. Except I texted my "friend" asking him where he was and he never answers. So I go wandering around the festival to see if I can find him, and of course I can't cuz there's like a thousand people there. And as I look around I get more and more upset because all around there are people enjoying themselves and hanging out with friends and loved ones and here I am, alone as usual. Seems like everywhere I look there's couples holding hands, etc. and I can't even get a date. A couple times I see a woman I think I might try to talk to but that's not me. I can't just walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation. Not without being served with a restraining order, anyway. (Just kidding, friends.)

So I say to heck with it and start walking back to my car. And the whole time, as badly as I wanted to leave the festival a minute before now I feel like I should go back and stay a while. Who knows, maybe I'll run into someone I know and have a good time. But I'm frustrated because the only reason I'm there is my "friend" told me to come and then he blows me off so I'm on edge as it is, plus my back is killing me from all the walking. And as I'm walking back I see people hanging out here and there with friends and/or significant others and I just feel like such a loser because I never seem to find friendships like that, let alone relationships. I feel like I'm the weirdo who everyone avoids. When I was married my wife was (for the most part) the same way and so at least when I stayed home I wasn't just by myself. While I like to get out once in a while most of the time I'm content to just stay in and snuggle with someone.

Then as I'm driving home I occasionally see lights and TVs on in houses so I think to myself, see, you're not the only one who doesn't like going to the festival. And then also on the way home I see people having bonfires in their backyards and I just feel like the weirdo again. Just seems like there's not much point in all this. Was I put here just to wander through life alone?

I experience this often. This whole weekend I have stayed inside at home, haven't even gone grocery shopping because I just feel sad and out of place.

The feeling will pass and then you will be ok for a while and then all of a sudden it will return. You just have to keep riding the waves.

I always feel alone. Sometimes it's just a little melancholy tune playing in the background, sometimes I feel like I'm going to implode with the pain of it. After several failed relationships, I've decided I'm meant to be on my own, which is what I've long suspected. I'm now trying to make that into a positive in my mind. I think it will always bother me from time to time, but, like Sula B says, you just keep riding the waves.

A couple updates: The "friend" who invited me to the festival was indeed there, as he "checked in" there on Facebook (though I didn't see it until after I came home.) But I'm still angry with him so I won't be talking to him anytime soon. I'm sick of putting up with this immature BS at my age.

Speaking of Facebook, I saw on there today that another "friend" of mine from out of town was at the festival today and couldn't be bothered to invite me out. This isn't the first time she's been in town and not bothered to contact me either. I don't know why I even bother. Course another out-of-town friend of mine did invite me to come out and watch the fireworks with her and her BF but I'm not interested because there is a lot of drama in their relationship and I'm not in the mood for that today.

I feel very much the same way. Sometimes holidays (especially those "party" type holidays) can make people feel pressured and miserable by trying to have a good time. And it's hard when you feel like you are one of those who doesn't have it together like everyone else you see.

The 4th is a day that I don't care for that much with all of the loud booms and bangs that go on. It seems like I should be very happy, but I don't feel that way. The 4th is a day that I feel that way and so does New Year's Eve & Christmas. I'm OK at the other holidays.

I guess it has to be a semi-annual thing that has to happen to us to make us feel miserable.

I can so relate to this, I feel like I'm some kind of ultimate freak, I feel so out of place sometimes, I always feel like I'm lurking. I don't know why some people just seem to be able to naturally form close relationships quickly while all of mine feel so forced.

I am so lonely in my life now. I used to have some friends. Not anymore. I would love to have someone in my life I feel comfortable with again. I can be so inhibited though, I wonder if it's even possible anymore. Part me has to believe it is, if we are accepting of each other.